Quiet BPD - Shock and Trauma After 23 Years

[Endtimes]

Hello, this is my first post. I have read many posts from loved ones of pwBPD and I have found few with my experience. I am truly at a loss and looking for advice.

I have been with my husband for 23 years. Our lives/marriage fell apart last year after some revelations about addiction, and he was diagnosed with BPD.

I would like to begin with what my experience was prior to last year. Him and I were best friends, inseparable, so close, great intimacy, such happiness. We had problems like anyone else, most of which I thought were normal, but on top of those problems he head what I thought was an anxiety disorder. We moved to a new city with our children (14 and 21) 3 years ago, and it has been the best years of our marriage. I thought I had a perfect life. Our family relationship and family dynamic was amazing, we all thought so, and others referred to us as a perfect family. Last year I finally got more personal time and all the crises in my life had settled (deaths, illnesses, extended family drama), and so I really focused on my relationship with my husband and noticed things were off. We were becoming more open and intimate and then I noticed weird behaviour and lies. Long story short, I found out he was a porn addict and a shopping addict. So much came out through shear force trickle truth and my life shattered. This man who made me feel like the only woman on Earth, the only woman he had eyes for (which he would say obsessively) was not only watching immense amounts of porn and masturbating at work and taking insane amounts of pills for erectile dysfunction, had also flirted with a 20 year old, thought about cheating on me multiple times, had sexual fantasies (he calls them intrusive thoughts) about his 20 year old employee, turned into a creep on Facebook, and was checking out woman (mostly young) when he would go out. He also spent tens of thousands on so many things from shoes, to fitness equipment, clothes, etc. He hid it all from me! I trusted him more than anyone I knew, I was blindsided and felt like my world would not stop spinning. I now have betrayal trauma and CPTSD. The last year we have been trying to work through things, but he has become so emotionally and psychologically abusive and has threatened to kill himself numerous times if I leave. He can't give me space - actually can't let me be by myself if we have had an argument, has traumatized me and our kids, and has gone off the deep end. I have had to call the police a few times, but he has never physically harmed me. I am shocked, devastated, and confused, and clearly not learning the gravity of my situation quickly enough.

My therapist has called his behaviour parasitic (she has experience with BPD) and our situation not sustainable. He pushes me over the edge because I am already traumatized and he won't stop lying and won't give me space and I am trapped. He is doing DBT and seeing a therapist, but his fear of abandonment is so severe that nothing is helping. I am not helping either. I am now compelled dysregulated. I go from intense rage, to sobbing, to trying to support him and be empathetic (I have loved this man half my life). I have recently realized that I am and have always been in an abusive relationship. But it was all happening so quietly and I thought I was the bad one because I would get angry at him. Manipulation, lies, gaslighting, these things have really messed me up psychologically. He wants to get better so bad, he is willing to try anything, he begs me not to give up on him, he has such shame and guilt for his behaviour, but he won't stop hurting me and lying.

Last night I snapped and kicked him out. He ended up with nowhere to go, threatened suicide, police were involved. My Mother and son live with us, and my daughter nearby. They all want me to leave him (although my son is on the fence). We cannot afford for him to move out and keep the house, so we are trying no contact for 30 days while living in the same house. We need a therapeutic separation but this is all that is available unless we sell the house and I cut my losses and leave. I am also financially dependent, which I now see was by design. I am feeling confused and trapped. I am also conflicted, but feeling like it's time to leave him. I know I trigger him with my anger and rage in response to his betrayal, lying, and my trauma. But I can bury my emotions and after a year of this I am so exhausted and spent. Advice?

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[Horselover]

Hi Endtimes,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

Can you clarify something - for 20 years none of these behaviours were present, and they all appeared last year? That is highly unusual for someone with BPD in my experience (if anyone else has a different experience, let me know). I'm just wondering if he was diagnosed correctly?

[Endtimes]

He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with 8 out of 9 criteria. One therapist who works nearly solely with borderlines and worked with us as a couple, told me he is one of the worst cases he has seen. He also said that my history made me somewhat of a perfect partner for someone with BPD, and that I was primed for gaslighting because of my childhood. The addictions were revealed last year - he had been hiding them for nearly our entire marriage. There were other behaviours present (avoidance of conflict, irrational fear of me cheating) which I chalked up to his severe anxiety. I thought I was helping him manage an anxiety disorder. Looking back now, I realize that there was so much psychological and emotional abuse. He made me feel like I was the problem with our conflict and I slowly started to believe him. When we had arguments, I struggled with anger and often resorted yelling - even worse, I would sometimes resort to name calling. He pointed out my behaviour and I felt so terrible. It took me awhile to see, but when I did, I worked to overcome it and get rid of any anger and try to be more empathetic and accepting. Turns out my anger was protective, on some level I was responding to the abuse I encountered as a child. I am so thankful I had that anger now, I would be an empty shel with nothing left. Looking back, I almost never started angry. I would come to him and try to talk about what he did that hurt me or bothered me. He gaslit me and manipulated me so badly. He never cared about how he hurt me, he just needed to win an argument. He talked in circles until everything became so confused I didn't know what we were arguing about anymore. He has recently admitted to doing that to end arguments and not have to face anything. He learned EVERYTHING about me and preyed on my vulnerabilities. I don't believe it was premeditated. He has controlled so much of my life and I had no idea. I have recently read other people's experiences with a quiet BPD, and what hit me the hardest is when someone said it is like coming out of a fever dream. I trusted him so fully, and he has been lying to me for 20 years. There is clearly something wrong with me - I went from one emotionally abusive relationship in childhood to another in adulthood. I am devastated. I truly thought I was choosing a safe partner, he acted in a completely opposite way to what I was raised with, which made me feel like I was choosing an entirely different life. At times he made me feel so loved and that is the narrative I kept in my head. He seemed to worship the ground I walked on. Yet, now looking back, I always ended up in arguments with him because he never supported me, never stood up for me, let his family treat me like garbage. I overlooked the basic respect that was lacking because he would then love bomb me and make me feel like he would do anything for me. He often did do anything for me. I came to believe that it was anxiety that caused those disrespectful behaviours and a dysfunctional upbringing. There is just so much here. The splitting mostly happened in his head from what I know. He has told me that he always fantasized about being with other people  imagining a perfect and unconditional loving relationship - and then there was porn and Facebook creeping. He is very socially awkward and has likely not had many opportunities if any to cheat, I imagine he would have if he did. I am still trying to find out what is true, he passed a polygraph for infidelity but who knows. I am not sure it matters anymore. He is so mentally ill and traumatizing me and our kids. He is so unstable and paranoid and acting out for any kind of attention or doing anything to stop me from leaving. I am in so much pain, and I am so scared. I built a family and a life with him for 23 years. I am heartbroken to the point I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, and I am also finically dependent on him.

[ForeverDad]

That your spouse threatened suicide yet hasn't yet attempted it is an indication that he is is not serious about suicide.  Quite likely he is using that threat as a strategy to pressure and guilt you into being manipulated to stay in the marriage.

Of course, we are remote and are only here as peer support and thus cannot determine whether he is suicidal.  Nor are you expected to assess his mental state.  Threats of suicide or abusive behavior merit calls to emergency services and let the professionals handle the rest.

There is a risk that once called, he will deny it to them, so have witnesses or a recording if possible.

If you conclude that the marriage has failed, then you can also post on our Separating & Divorcing board.  Many of us have been in your shoes and "been there, experienced that".  We've survived the distress and found new chapters in our lives.  Not easy nor simple but it does get more manageable once you are on a better path.

[Endtimes]

That is exactly what happened Friday night - when he left I called police and he denied it. We are now in a 30-day minimal contact therapeutic separation for 30 days in the same house so that he can stabilize. It has gone well for the past 48 hrs. I told him if he can make it 30 days, I will try couples therapy again afterward. We will remain separated, but review the terms of the separation by maybe adding check-ins where we actually talk. Right now we only communicate through email about the house, dogs, and kids.

My whole family is in shock. We all feel like we are living with a stranger. I think this is what is stopping me from handling things well. I can't see clearly what I am dealing with.

He seems to be willing to do anything to recover and stay in this marriage. He quit porn and shopping cold turkey for 1 year now, I have accountability apps, and there were other signs that suggest that is true that I won't include here. He seems so legitimatley ashamed and disgusted. But he can only hold the shame and guilt so long. He reverts back to minimizing, denial, and lying. I think I still don't know the whole truth. He has broke down crying so many times. When I have been able to get through to him to show him how much he has hurt me, he falls apart. He had a panic attack last week when we were talking, it's like it hit him all at once. He kept saying he wants to run...over and over, screaming it at the top of his lungs, then saying he wants to run from himself, that he can't be this person. He keeps saying he is a good person, he didn't know he was sick, he doesn't understand how he could do all these things. There have been a few times where he seemed to have empathy but it is always so fleeting and ends up being about his fear and loss. He has been on and off so many types of meds, the only thing that really worked was an antipsychotic, but the side effect were too bad. This is the part that is conflicting. He seems to be facing himself, but not getting better. He keeps saying he needs solid ground to stand on (he means reassurance and safety), but I cannot give that to him anymore because I am unsafe. A year ago I was supporting, non-judgemental, and empathetic, but he never stopped lying and it crushed me.

I guess I am unsure if there is any hope, and I am looking for other to show me the light so to speak. I understand that no one can tell me what to do, or how this will go. I am just looking for clarity.

[Notwendy]

It's hard to think clearly in the midst of this kind of crisis. Growing up in a home with abuse, you learned to cope with this by being on alert all the time and disconnecting from your own feelings. This was a survival skill for you. Keep in mind that advice from posters here doesn't override what your therapist has advised. This is my own advice, having grown up with family disorder. The survival skills you learned growing up had their function in your family as a child- and now, I think it would help to take the focus off your H and on to you.

You didn't cause your H's disorder and his behavior is not your fault. Due to BPD, he may blame you, gaslight you, and be in victim perspective. You didn't cause this, and you can not fix it for him. He would have to do the work with a therapist himself but also be cautious. Real change is slow and takes time- over years, not quickly. He may make quick changes when motivated by his fear of you leaving but that isn't indicative of long term change.

His addictions are also not because of you or even about you. All addictions are a form of escape of uncomfortable feelings. Having fantasies and a fantasy woman is not due to you, it's that a real person can't live up to a fantasy, always available (on computer) one, and you are a real person. He's found that doing what he's doing is a form of temporary relief from his emotions- that is all it is, like all addictions are.

Self care is essential. With your focus on his behavior and feelings and crisis, it's possible to lose connection with yourself. You need some time to yourself where you feel safe and your nervous system isn't on high alert around him- this can be something like taking a walk in a park, going for coffee and sitting by yourself, go to a movie- do things where you can be alone with your thoughts, to help you calm down and sort things out.

IMHO, I'd stop discussing the relationship, leaving, or what he has done with him. It's understandable to want to talk things out, to get some resolution, to get accountability. For someone with BPD, they may not be able to process this much shame, and they may dissociate or act out. This isn't because they aren't accountable, or that you can't want to be able to talk this out- it's that it doesn't work, it's not good use of your time or mental energy to do so. That is better spent on self care.

Your feelings are valid- the feeling of betrayal, anger, all are real. It's just that directing them at a pwBPD, they may just reflect them back (projection) and it doesn't help to feel better. Speaking to your therapist, someone who can be of support to you, is more helpful.

One resource that may help you in addition to therapy is ACA, CODA. These groups have helped me to understand the dynamics in families as well as addictions. It's for you only- not for him. They are not designed to treat BPD. The dynamics where there's a disordered person in a family are similar to that with a person with addiction, and sometimes both coexist as you see here. ACA is especially helpful to adult children who grew up with this.

I think when you are able to turn your focus on to your thoughts, do some self care, and get support as you are doing (and consider ACA too) you may find some moments of calm for yourself.

[Endtimes]

This is wonderful advice. Thank you so much.

[ForeverDad]

You didn't cause your H's disorder and his behavior is not your fault. Due to BPD, he may blame you, gaslight you, and be in victim perspective. You didn't cause this, and you can not fix it for him. He would have to do the work with a therapist himself but also be cautious. Real change is slow and takes time- over years, not quickly. He may make quick changes when motivated by his fear of you leaving but that isn't indicative of long term change...

Others have arrived here thinking couples counseling might work.  And it may.  But understand the purpose of couples counseling... to repair the failing relationship.  Two aspects to keep in mind:

• Both parties, especially the pwBPD, need to continue their individual therapy.
• The counselor may continue the group counseling overlong since the goal is to bring the relationship toward a healthy and functional state.  You would be wise to periodically review the progress to determine whether to continue.  (A broken clock may tell the correct time twice a day but that doesn't mean it is functional.)

It's understandable to want to talk things out, to get some resolution, to get accountability...

I'm also thinking of the word Closure.  We want to review and put everything in order.  We've found that we can't count on the pwBPD to grant us closure or resolution.  If that is the case then you can always Gift yourself closure.

[Endtimes]

Something that I have realized and need to come to terms with is that he is not who I thought he was and I need to stop treating him that way. I always thought he was my rock - a very stable and predictable person. He took over his family business and has provided a very comfortable living for our family. He was my emotional support, he was there for me through all of my family issues and made me feel so supported and secure. I used to feel so thankful that I had someone in my life like him to provide such stability. I was so open and so vulnerable with him. I haven't worked in years because our son was sick for a long time and needed extra support, and I pushed and went back to school and he was finally supportive. It was as if everything was falling into place. I had such bad underlying anxiety that seemed to make no sense to me. He kept telling me that I didn't have to work, but I wanted to and have missed my career. I am finishing a fourth year of a degree so I can go to grad school finally after so many years for a second career (in psychology believe it or not). I just kept feeling like I needed to be financially independent even though we lived so well and he made so much money and I felt so safe with him. My brain has not been able to come around quick enough for me to realize that he is not my rock or my person the way I thought. We lived more comfortably than we should have. He spent so recklessly that his business is at risk. He is actually terrible with finances and has just been winging it. I had to talk to his business accountant directly because he owes $30,000 in taxes and was going to take it from our RRSP's. It's so much all at once, and he would have been the person I looked to for support. He would have been my rock. Now I literally have no one. No friends. No family aside from my Mother who is an alcoholic. My children depend on me. I just need to accept I am alone. I just never imagined I would be here. We were best friends, we have made it through everything together. Radical acceptance is not as easy as it seems. My brain is confused by the fact that my safest person is now a stranger and a danger to me.

[Endtimes]

Wow, thank you ForeverDad. Closure is a big one. I wonder if that is what I am seeking. I haven't figured it out yet. (This is my first post and I apologize if I am not replying to individual replies properly)

The couples counselling is something he has been begging for, and I have said we are not ready. I agreed to couples counselling after 30 days as a compromise. He stipulated couples counselling as part of agreeing to limited contact this month. It was very difficult for him to agree to that. He tracks me on all my devices (location) and has cameras at the front and back of our home so he can see when I leave. His paranoia is through the roof. Unfortunately I have contributed to this during arguments. I have been clear that I would never cheat, that I am not seeking out anyone else. The porn and checking out women has been so hurtful - he used to convince me that he never looked at or thought about other women that way, even though I never asked. He used to insult other men for being that way. Anyway, he minimized the behaviour and so I talked about how he would feel if I behaved like him. I did act like him to a very small extent, checking out other men and thinking about leaving him or what it would be like to be with someone else. I was very honest about everything when he demanded it. I also gave context and reassurance. Told him that's not what I want but that I felt so duped and controlled and betrayed. That I have never ever done that in the past, but I don't feel safe anymore. I ahem reassured him again and again now that I was just lost hurt and angry and that I would never ever pursue anyone as long as we are still together. Obviously this was the worst thing I could have done. It actually really worked for understanding and empathy initially. He started to fully understand how much he hurt me and how to rebuild trust. But when things are not good paranoia is king. He is so triggered by other men now and comparing himself. I have also got in really good shape recently and so that is triggering for him too. It's all out of control, which is so apparent as I write this. In trying to make him understand my pain, he is now both the victim and the perpetrator in his mind. I accept responsibility for not dealing with this well, but early on I had no idea what I was dealing with. Putting him in my shoes hypothetically was the only thing that ever broke through the barrier of his understanding.

[Notwendy]

Your kids are older now- from your post, it seems your youngest is about 17.  This means that soon this child will be 18- not a custody consideration and also possibly starting out on their own- college, job.

Should the marriage end, this is going to make the situation a lot simpler if custody is not an issue. If the child needs to live at home still, they will decide which parent to live with- likely you if your H is that unstable.

Being financially dependent and a 23 year marriage- it's likely there will be some form of alimony for a while which allows you to get back on your feet financially- enter the workplace, more schooling, and your counselor can help direct you to resources that might assist with that- job training, scholarships,etc.

Your mother is living with you- (I hope she isn't the abusive parent)- if this works for the two of you, it can be a continued situation. The house could be sold and the proceeds split according to the courts.

These are not decisions to make immediately and in your state of shock, it may not be possible to feel clear enough to make them. For now- self care- emotional support and space to think clearly are primary steps. I mapped these out to show that it may not be a complete disaster if you choose this route. Your kids will be OK, you and your mother can be OK too.

With your extra time, you focused on your relationship with your H. Now, you can turn that focus to your own emotional recovery- from childhood abuse and then marital abuse. This will be helpful to you however the direction of your marriage goes. It's also not dependent on whether or not your H pursues his own therapy.  This is you doing the work for you.

It's expected that your H is escalating now that his fears of you leaving have escalated. These are his feelings- let him sit with them. He may be badgering you at home- this is why you need some alone space as suggested. It's also another reason to not keep discussing this with him, as it only escalates his fears. If and when you decide, it's best advice to not discuss your plans until they are actually in place and with the advice of an attorney and therapist, as this can be a time where his behavior escalates. Since it's not happening now, there's no need to discuss the topic.

Rather than to base the decision to stay or leave on whether or not your H changes or recovers, consider your own feelings. Basing that decision on your H's moods and behaviors- it could change constantly- he may be in a good mood one day, a bad one the next. Also if you make it about him, you don't own it. It needs to be your decision to make, when you are ready and it seems that emotionally you aren't in a place to decide right now.

[Endtimes]

Thank you so much Notwendy. I will reread your reply again and again. When I think of leaving I usually begin to have panic attacks, and your reply should ground me.

My Mother was unfortunatley the abusive one. I cut her off for a year, went to therapy and learned to deal with our relationship in a more healthy way. My Father died years ago and I did not want her to live alone. She has been very kind and supportive since this all happened. She is also dependent on me now so that changes things. She is also crazy about her grandchildren (my children) and protecting me is also protecting them.

My children are 21 and 14. My son would never live with his Father. He is struggling badly with this and has said he will never forgive him for what he has done to our family. My husband acted out in front of our kids now numerous times and they have had it with him. There shock is like mine though. They didn't see this coming and can't understand. None of us have ever seen this behaviour from him.

[Notwendy]

With an alcoholic mother- you are a good match for ACA groups if you wish to check them out.

I understand the trusting in someone who feels safe to you and you had every reason to think your H was that safe person.  It's great that you are on your way to a degree and grad school. You are in a good position to establish financial independence. It's tempting to blame yourself for trusting and depending on him but you did what every mother would do if possible- devote yourself to your child's care. You had no way to know otherwise.

You aren't alone- I know a couple of smart, independent, and capable women who have found themselves trusting someone who turned out to be different. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You have learned some coping behaviors that aren't working for you now- and since you learned them, you can work on "unlearning" them in therapy.

In a parellel situation, while I knew my BPD mother had something going on with her (I didn't know it was BPD at the time), I still thought that if she said something to me, it must be true. The first time I realized she had lied to me, I felt shocked and betrayed. I had trusted the relationship, the idea "mothers don't lie to their children (adult at the time). Why she lied, I don't know all the reasons, maybe her BPD, maybe to get what she wanted, maybe to avoid shame but once I saw that she continued to lie, I couldn't trust anything she said to me. Some of it may be true, some may not be, but there wasn't any way to know for sure.

Regaining trust is not the same as forgiveness. One can forgive if we choose but if trust is broken, it needs to be restored if it is possible. If this is to happen, it will take some serious work - with a counselor- for the two of you, if this is ever possible. It can't be decided now.

I see why you put so much trust in your H. If someone actually liked me for me, it felt so different in contrast to what I was experiencing in my family of origin. It isn't only with romantic relationships but with friendships and extended family too. However, if that trust is violated, it's crushing. I had this happen recently with someone who I thought was a friend. She got angry at someone else who is an aquaintance, and she  dropped everyone connected to this other person. One day she just blocked me, ghosted me, out of the blue. I was crushed and upset for a while ,but looking back, she wasn't that nice of a person anyway, no real loss, but the experience of believing someone was different than who they are is hard. This is so much less traumatic than a husband, but I think when we assume we have a safe relationship with someone it means a lot.

[Notwendy]

My Mother was unfortunatley the abusive one. I cut her off for a year, went to therapy and learned to deal with our relationship in a more healthy way. My Father died years ago and I did not want her to live alone. She has been very kind and supportive since this all happened. She is also dependent on me now so that changes things. She is also crazy about her grandchildren (my children) and protecting me is also protecting them.

I think it's amazing that you have been able to work this out with your mother.