Situationship?

[mn1314495]

I’ve been seeing this guy for over eight months now I’m 19 he’s 20. We met at uni he has bpd and trauma relating to SA. Recently, we had exams at uni and out of to me felt like nowhere he asked to stop talking until exams were over it ended up being three weeks. After that he invited me over said he was nervous to move into new accom and wanted me because I’m familiar. By the time his exams were completely finished I had to go home. I rang him and we got into a talk and I asked why he asked for a pause and he said I assaulted him and I didn’t really know what he meant because I’d never do that and he said I repeatedly tried to get with him while he was asleep. That never happened one time I kissed his forehead while he was sleeping before I left. This happened months before. He never tells me any of this stuff and I always ask him to talk to me and I try to not invalidate him when I disagree and I never shout or blame him, I tell him I’m not cross and I want to make sure he’s ok. It’s still not over and I’m not sure why. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome to the forums. We're all sympathetic to what you're going through now as every one of us has been through it. BPD tends to run to a very predictable script; almost like a computer program inside them and once it starts - usually after an initial wonderful period of seeming like a match made in heaven - it becomes mentally draining, as we try to work with our partner's ever-changing moods and emotions.

You say that he's just been through exams; the exams will most likely be causing him stress which none of us like but s particularly bad for a BPD sufferer, where emotions get magnified. They tend to react by extreme behaviour which to us can appear totally illogical and over-reactive.  They can simply get emotionally 'swamped' if too much is happening at once and they can withdraw, which hurts us as we want to be there for them but they don't see it like that. They react on instinct and can seem very uncaring and even nasty to us. This is their illness causing it.

From what I've read you seem to be a very caring and considerate person and I would just suggest that you continue in that way and try to be there for him, even if he's not giving you the reponse you're expecting. You need him to know you're there for him. but without being too protective or smothering, as this can trigger withdrawal. It's not easy to get the right balance, as we've all found.

Try not to take anything negative he says as personal. I know that's hard to do but BPD can make people say the most ridiculous and easily-disprovable things. They speak and act on their emotional state at the time and often their 'reality' exists only in their heads, not the real world.

Feel free to write more and keep us informed of what's happening. We're all on your side.

[ForeverDad]

I rang him and we got into a talk and I asked why he asked for a pause and he said I assaulted him and I didn’t really know what he meant because I’d never do that and he said I repeatedly tried to get with him while he was asleep. That never happened one time I kissed his forehead while he was sleeping before I left. This happened months before. He never tells me any of this stuff and I always ask him to talk to me and I try to not invalidate him when I disagree and I never shout or blame him, I tell him I’m not cross and I want to make sure he’s ok...

That he used the word "assaulted" is concerning because in the legal world of police and courts "assault" is an extremely serious allegation.  Of course, this was his perception and a highly subjective one but this should cause you to step back and reconsider the relationship.

Though you're a woman and the professionals might find it hard to picture you as being abusive, can you risk such allegations should they be made in the future?  Less than a year into the friendship and he said that.  What might he say in future years?

As already noted, we refrain from saying stay or go since that is for you to decide.  Weigh all the facts and risks and what you've learned thus far.

[Notwendy]

That he used the word "assaulted" is concerning because in the legal world of police and courts "assault" is an extremely serious allegation. 

As already noted, we refrain from saying stay or go since that is for you to decide.  Weigh all the facts and risks and what you've learned thus far.

I don't know what country you are in, or the rules in your Uni, but in the US, if a student reports assault at university - to a professor or staff, they have to report it. The university will then investigate it.

Sometimes these allegations are false- but still requires investigation and false allegations may still be damaging.

Consider why you are in university- because you have goals for your future. You can put these goals first when deciding about a relationship.

[Aubreyxx]

Kissing his forehead before you left and then months later having that become the thing he describes as assault, I want you to know that gap between what you actually did and what it turned into is something I recognize. My ex had BPD and wasn't diagnosed until after we broke up, and there were things he described later that I genuinely did not recognize as events I had been present for. You start turning it over trying to find the version where he's right, because the alternative, that the memory itself got that distorted, is its own kind of hard to sit with.

The part you said about always asking him to talk, never shouting, making sure he knows you're not cross, I did all of that too. And I don't think it's wrong to do those things, but I also spent a long time thinking that if I just communicated carefully enough, the confusion would stop. It didn't really work that way.

I can't tell you what's happening from his side, and I'm not going to. But what you're describing, knowing what you did and still finding yourself on a forum trying to work out if you're the problem, that disorientation is real. It makes sense that you're confused. Eight months in and you still don't really know what you are to each other, and now this. That's a lot to be carrying at 19.