My borderline adult daughter has worn me out.

[Foolingmyself]

I have not posted in well over a year. My daughter who last time I was posting was pregnant and engaging in very harmful behavior had come back home to live. For about ten months after she had the baby we were doing okay and I thought the worst was behind us. A few days ago I noticed a change in her behavior, she was becoming irritable with the baby, wanted to go out and left her breastfed baby with me for eight hours. The baby was beside herself wanting her mother’s breast. Of course I told my daughter to come home. She got mad and kept the baby in her room for two days. My daughter’s other response to this was to abruptly wean the baby because “summers coming and I want to be able to go out”. The baby has been crying and is pulling her hair. She indicated to me that she planned on leaving the baby with me overnight in the future because she wanted to enjoy the summer. She also said that she expected the man she dated on Saturday to be calling her soon and that she wanted to be available. This morning started off okay but ended in the splitting episode to end all splitting episodes. She called several people to complain that I am a bad mother. It ended in her calling her grandfather to come and rescue her from me. Which he did. I’m at the point where I can’t keep dealing with her. I know she is sick but she is also horrible to me. The badmouthing today was horrific. I’m not going to be a pin cushion anymore. I think this is it. Let someone else step in. I’m exhausted.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

We're so sorry to hear this update, but also it's not that surprising.  Those who have people with BPD traits (pwBPD) in their lives - including their children - are often faced with the suddenly resurgent mood changes from moment to moment.

One positive is that your daughter did nurse her baby for nearly a year.  I recall that my ex - then a spouse - only promised to breastfeed for 6 months but continued for 14 months.  Human milk is such a wonderful food source for children that it's beneficial for as long as the mother can be convinced to continue.

Just a thought... Since it seems your daughter wants to go live her lifestyle again, maybe you could feed her daughter regular milk and other healthy juices when she decides to get antsy and decamp now and then?  Maybe I'm mistaken here but isn't some breastfeeding better than none?

It may be time to ponder what choices you have before you.  Apparently your daughter isn't receptive to the idea of long term therapy (DBT is highly recommended but requires commitment) so what can you do to focus on your granddaughter's welfare?  Has it reached the point where a court would agree you assume some level of protective custody?  Would others in your family support you or would they appease your daughter instead?

[Foolingmyself]

She took her daughter and left the house to go stay with another relative who she has convinced that I am being unfair. She is very persuasive and manipulative. Let them assume responsibility for her and the baby for now since they were so keen on listening to her. Everyone tires of her eventually. I’m the only dummy that keeps believing that she will get better.

[js friend]

Hi Foolingmyself.

I have a similar story.

My udd left her 2 small children with me for an overnight stay and didnt turn up again until 2 wks later.  She turned her phone off moments after she left my home and hadnt left details with anyone about where she had gone, even the gc daycare dint know anything, so I made a missing persons  police report, but they coudnt find her.

Turns out that she had gone to spend time with the new "love of her life"  and said it was all down to  miss communication on my part and that I was overeacting. Extended family actually believed her and belived  that I was blowing it out of all porportion. Easy to say and  very invalidating at the time as they only seemed to want to hear udd's side.

Opinions of many of these family members have since  changed as a quite a few who took her in  asked her to leave shortly afterwards because of her behaviour. Unless your relative has zero rules in her home I cant see how long she will be there especially if she is making plans as to live life as a single woman for the summer with this new man. I also think it is  important to try stay on good terms with this relative for gc's sake if udd decides to suddenly take off with him.

I can imagine how overwhelmed you feel but as you say you are exhausted. we all have our limits. Just know that you have done your best and it is time to put yourself first.

[Sancho]

Hi Foolingmyself
I just want to say that I can relate to your thinking very much. When DD first grabbed baby daughter and left I was so anxious - but, yes, of course it didn't last and back home for me to deal with. So these times were my breaks.

I think by that stage I really didn't care what anyone else thought about me. My DD was/is good at painting me as the villain, but that doesn't wash any more. When someone else was there to take up the reins, it was my time to breathe and restore myself.

Take any moment you can. From what you say, your DD is moving into a different phase with possible new relationship and you need space to consider all possibilities.

[Foolingmyself]

I spoke to her yesterday and she’s of course trying to frame it as all my doing. I completely understand that she is splitting but hearing the barbaric words out of her mouth was particularly excruciating this time. I can’t see myself forgetting about it. I’ve done all I can and gone into debt to help her. I’m drowning financially and now she has attacked me in such a deep, personal way that I can’t move past the cruelty of it all.

[js friend]

Hi foolingmyself

You have a right to feel hurt. Pwbpd are very impulsive and want to live in the moment with no thought for how it impacts others lives and boundaries and the word "No" is not an option to them. Your dd has made plans for the summer and probably discussed it with her new guy and you are not complying with her plans hence the dysregulation totally "forgetting" how much you have helped and supported her and gc.

I think what helps when it comes to the abuse is to remember that your dd is mentally ill and she is saying all these horrible things to you as a coping stratergy and  deflection and If she can put all the blame on you then she doesnt have to look at her own behaviour.

I also think it may helpful to let the dust settle and take some time out for yourself right now which may include limiting calls with your dd.

[CC43]

Hi Fooling,

I hear the exhaustion and resentment in your post.  My guess is that your daughter probably mistreated you before, and you wouldn't have let her back in your house if it weren't for your innocent grandchild.

It sounds to me like you deserve a break.  I've felt that way a few times with my adult BPD stepdaughter, who has rebounded back to my house several times.  For each rebound, we established house rules, and generally speaking she would start off OK, but eventually she reverted to her usual ways, sleeping the days away, not working on herself and being nasty and passive-aggressive.

Unfortunately, my BPD stepdaughter doesn't treat living in our house for free as a temporary situation to stabilize, work on herself and get back on her feet, at least not in the long term.  Rather, she treats it like a vacation.  How so?  Well, though she's a full-fledged adult, I think her brain is still functioning like a teen's most of the time, and she envisages living in the parental home as a carefree summer vacation when she was 13, with no responsibilities.  But since she's not 13, and her peers aren't either, lying around at home all day in front of screens just isn't as fun anymore.  Moreover, she takes a "vacation" in the literal sense, that of vacating her real life.  It might start out as a "transitional" period to relax and recharge, but over time, it's really a reflection of her avoidant response to adult stresses.  She basically parks herself on the sidelines of her life, avoiding work, school, volunteering, etc.  She's lying down, 22-23 hours a day.  Deep down she knows that's not an adult's life, but she just can't muster up the emotional resources to do anything about it.  Then she starts brooding and blaming:  my life sucks, it's your fault, you're horrible, you owe me.  She cycles between periods of passive-aggressiveness and outright hostility.  She's entitled, demands money, doesn't help and doesn't care.  "I don't care" is probably her most repeated sentence, followed by "Leave me alone" and "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want."  The last time she was here, she stayed with us through the entire summer but then was kicked out in late September or early October.

I don't want my BPD stepdaughter to live with me again, because I don't think it's good for her, her dad or me.  No matter what we do and what rules are in place, cohabitation doesn't seem to work.  My opinion is that it actually makes things worse to let her back in our home.  Why?  Because it entails a "vacation" from the "real world," and adults shouldn't be on vacation from the real world when it's facilitated by someone else.  Plus, I think that it's just too hard for a kid to live in a parental home and not adopt childlike habits and resurrect the usual grievances.  Living with parents is a constant reminder of childhood, and let me guess, your daughter thinks she had a terrible childhood, right?

As for the horrible things your daughter might say in angry outbursts, well, that's BPD and probably mostly projection.  My BPD stepdaughter has accused me of the most ludicrous things, which I thought sounded like calling me a poo-poo face, and I actually had to stifle laughter.  I thought, you've lived with me for years, and that's the best insult you've got?  Maybe that just goes to show that she doesn't know me at all, because she doesn't care one iota--she's too busy ruminating about her purported "traumas" and recasting history to fit her victim narrative.  On top of that, she can't come up with any valid complaints about me.  She doesn't see the sacrifices we've made for her benefit--in time, money, emotional support, physical labor, administrative support--because she hasn't really lived in the "real world" as an independent adult.  She's still so entitled, like the 13-year-old little girl attitude she has around our house.  Except she has an adult's body, pocketbook and authority to make decisions.

Having said that, I think my stepdaughter does better when she's living in the "real world."  I think by now she's actually learned that she has to work for some money, and she can't go around blowing her top and expecting to keep any friends.  She can't live like a slob with roommates, and she can't be *itchy to them either, because they'll ask her to leave.  She's been evicted enough times to have learned that lesson (or so I hope).  Her main issue right now is probably realizing that adulting is so HARD, requiring so much work and "fake" niceness.  She still has considerable difficulties with interpersonal relationships (per her long-time therapist).  But in my opinion, she has been doing better, because she's had stable employment and a stable living situation for several months now.  I think that part of the reason is that the "real world" doesn't condone the outrageous BPD behaviors that might be tolerated, even rewarded, in the parental home.  Sometimes I think that pwBPD treat parents worse than anyone else in the world, because only parents are willing to put up with so much, out of love.  Spouses and partners might love a pwBPD, yet separation and divorce are options if behavior is out of control.  But there's no divorcing a kid.

I know this might be hard to hear, but in my home, the worse my BPD stepdaughter acted, the more money, help and concessions she got.  For a long time, it was a bizarro world of mixed-up incentives.  Maybe these mixed-up incentives are partly at play in your home.  And I think that is precisely when resentment starts to build.  Resentment is the feeling of unjust treatment, indignation from injury.  If you are feeling resentment, I think it's time to pull back from over-functioning for your daughter and focus more on yourself.

[Foolingmyself]

In my situation, my daughter who is adopted, truly did have a bad childhood which is how she ended up borderline. She was in the service and has a substantial disability pension. She spends her money on weed, her nails and door dash. She seems to be resentful of her baby lately which is disturbing.

She is not competent and has poor executive functioning. She doesn’t keep her psychiatric appointments and tends to lay around watching television much of the time. This recent episode was precipitated by her going out and leaving the baby with me. She has been breastfeeding and the baby could not be comforted. I told her to come home. Her response was to lock herself in her room with her baby for two days. Then she abruptly weaned her baby in one day. The baby was inconsolable. I was livid that she weaned the baby so fast but she informed me that summer was coming and that she intended to leave the baby with me so she could go out.

Wednesday morning I told her that we needed to discuss her contribution to the house. I asked her to give me half the utilities.She told me I could earn the money by watching my granddaughter. I told her that I don’t want to be paid to watch my granddaughter and that her contribution should not be tied to that. She went from zero to one hundred and headfirst into a splitting episode. She made call after call complaining about me to the point that I got busy cleaning to some music. Finally I heard her talking about me to her birth father who lost custody of her for abuse. She was planning to have him watch the baby so she could go on a date. I heard her tell him not to call her unless it was an emergency. Meaning if the baby fussed that he would have to deal with it. Things just escalated from there until my husband got angry with her. She called her birth mother’s father to come and get her and off she went. As a parting gift she left me two bags full of poopy diapers in her room which stunk up the house once her AC was no longer on. I just don’t want her back anymore. I know I’m done this time.

[ForeverDad]

I spoke to her yesterday and she’s of course trying to frame it as all my doing. I completely understand that she is splitting but hearing the barbaric words out of her mouth was particularly excruciating this time. I can’t see myself forgetting about it. I’ve done all I can and gone into debt to help her. I’m drowning financially and now she has attacked me in such a deep, personal way that I can’t move past the cruelty of it all.

I have two observations.

• You cannot risk yourself by overextending yourself financially.  You can't stop her from squandering her disability income, but it's time for you to stop squandering your finances too.
• She's not really listening to you, not in a positive way, so it's probably best to set Boundaries, as described in a couple Boundaries topics on the Tools and Skills Workshops board.  For example, if she goes onn a tirade you can choose to exit and do something else rather than to continue to be her venting target.

[Foolingmyself]

Thank you. I am reading the material now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

She called her birth mother’s father to come and get her and off she went. As a parting gift she left me two bags full of poopy diapers in her room which stunk up the house once her AC was no longer on. I just don’t want her back anymore. I know I’m done this time.

If your BPD daughter has other people to lean on- then let them deal with it and let them figure it out on their own. For now, you have some self care and recovery to do. It's important to recover your financial security.

At about your grandchild's age- which seems to be almost a year- she will also be eating some solid food, table food, finger feeding, and learning to use a sippy cup. The nutritional need for breast milk is less than before, and the nursing is also a comfort, but having nursed for almost a year, your grandbaby got most of the benefit from that. From that perspective, your grandbaby will be OK.

What you may also be seeing with the baby is the emotional effect of having an inconsistent bond with her mother. It is possible that her mother isn't emotionally mature or stable enough to actually be a parent, but there's no way to make someone who is like this into a mature parent. For now, if she's with her birth parent's family- let them do their part. I realize this is heartbreaking for you as a grandparent, but you have done what you can do and now, it's important that you take care of yourself. If it ever comes to where your D loses custody- she would have to have parenting classes and supervised visits to gain that back. That isn't a bad outcome and it also may be a motivator for her. For now- you can take this space to take care of you.

[Foolingmyself]

Thank you for your advice. It is helpful to read these supportive comments.

[Foolingmyself]

My adopted daughter typically boomerangs back to me after a splitting episode. Now I have normally welcomed her back with open arms but I truly don’t feel compelled to do so at the moment. I know she is ill but the things she said this time and I overheard were so denigrating that I feel that I need to protect myself from her this time. I can’t be the pin cushion all the time.

I have reviewed the boundaries section here but I am considering severing the relationship for good. If I am honest, I don’t want to harm myself by becoming attached to a grandchild that she will use as a weapon. I’m kind of over her and her bull_____. I had to hide my grandchild’s photos because I don’t want to break down emotionally over them. I didn’t get rid of them but just put them away for safekeeping.

I strongly feel my adopted daughter is not going to make it through her daughter’s childhood. Her own mother died when she was seven from effects of drug abuse. I see her following her birth mother’s path. She’s also wanted for a felony in another state which will probably catch up to her. I feel relieved that she’s gone but prior to this blowout, I was supporting her. Things are up in the air.

[Notwendy]

I have reviewed the boundaries section here but I am considering severing the relationship for good.

You can do that. Your adopted D is an adult, she has a source of income, and you don't have any responsibilities for her as a parent.

This is my own personal advice but one way to do this is to do it quietly rather than to make a statement to her. I found that speaking about a boundary to my BPD mother - she perceived herself in victim perspective- and so to her, it seemed she was being attacked and she escalated.

Another way is quiet action- if you don't wish to speak to her when she calls, then don't answer the phone. If she persists, say you are "taking a break " rather than say you are severing the relationship. If she asks to move back in, tell her "no- this isn't an option".

The severing is emotional work on your part. Saying you are going to do it doesn't address the feelings you have. This is something to do with a therapist, and you will need the emotional support to help you work this out. Right now, you feel anger but these relationships involve grief, regret, and relief, sometimes at the same time.

I didn't go NC with my BPD mother but I did have to work on my own emotional feelings. The work was on my part- with a therapist, not an action to anounce to her, but emotional work for me. I have seen from posters who went NC with the BPD family member that this may give them the emotional space and safety for their own well being- but there's still emotional work to do on their part.

You have no obligation to support or be responsible at all to an adult who is accountable for her own behavior. You don't have to tolerate being mistreated or exploited. However, it's an internal and personal process for you to disconnect emotionally, not something that needs to be announced to your D, especially when you are feeling angry. Best to let yourself feel more settled and do emotional work with a T.

[ForeverDad]

There is a less final or total aspect of No Contact (NC) and that is Low/Limited Contact (LC) less often termed Medium Chill (MC).  All it means is that you control how much or how little contact you have with your adult adopted daughter.  The downside of LC is that there will continue to be some level of push/pull cycles that will keep resurfacing.

Decades ago one of my siblings briefly fostered an unadoptable child.  They were told that up front but they still proceeded with the adoption.  After the spouse died a few years later, the child started acting out uncontrollably and had to be returned to state care.  I think there is still some contact now and then but it is very minimal, their lives are separate and honestly it's better that way.

[CC43]

She spends her money on weed, her nails and door dash. . .
She is not competent and has poor executive functioning. She doesn’t keep her psychiatric appointments and tends to lay around watching television much of the time. . . . This recent episode was precipitated by her going out . . . Her response was to lock herself in her room . . . I told her that we needed to discuss her contribution to the house. . . . She went from zero to one hundred and headfirst into a splitting episode. As a parting gift she left me (crap).. . .

OK, excluding the the baby and abusive childhood, I could have written the exact same thing about my adult BPD stepdaughter, when she wasn't getting treatment.  Correction:  when she was skipping her psychiatric appointments but we were billed for them anyway.

My observation is that weed consumption turned her my stepdaughter's already questionable executive functioning into total dysfunction.  When she was using daily, it seemed she couldn't think straight, let alone plan, let alone do simple things such as remember to pack a bag for a weekend trip.  She had bouts of paranoia when under stress.  I think weed turned her occasional procrastination into total avoidance of life, and completely sapped her already low motivation.  Between weed and TV, she made herself comfortable retreating from the world and any adult responsibilities.  She was able to do this because she was living in my house for free, with no contributions or responsibilities, either.  Her dad gave her money (out of guilt) so she wouldn't go without.  Yet without the necessity of working for money (not even a simple household chore to earn an allowance), she basically locked herself in her room and stayed entertained with weed and screens.  At the same time, she was seething mad and took out her frustrations on anyone who would listen.  Since friends wouldn't put up with her hostile behavior, she lost every last one of them.  She became estranged from her entire family--siblings, her mom, her aunts and uncles, cousins, grandma, etc.  She'd only talk to her dad and me because she needed free housing, money and other support.  There was no love or concern there, it felt like a purely transactional relationship.

I felt that my stepdaughter was compelled to say the nastiest things about her parents to convince herself that she was victimized and traumatized.  That way, she could embrace the identity of victim and escape the deep, looming shame she felt for sabotaging her own life.  She is the one who made bad decision after bad decision:  quitting school multiple times, quitting work multiple times, getting herself evicted multiple times, getting herself in dangerous situations, losing all her friends, quitting therapy, committing various acts of self-sabotage.  She blames her family, even though they had absolutely nothing to do with any of that.  Deep down, what she was doing was trying to shift the blame for her own dysfunction to family.  The barrage of accusations seemed cruel, constant and yet also delusional.  What I saw was that the barrage was mostly a deflection, a distraction, a sure sign that my stepdaughter had made yet another poor decision.  She'd lash out and rewrite history in an attempt to blame-shift and avoid responsibility.

At the end of the day, I think it's really hard to have a loving relationship with someone who won't take any responsibility for their own decisions and blames you instead.  Like you wrote, it's not fun being a pin cushion.  Maybe you can take it for a while, out of feelings of love, fear, obligation or guilt, in the hopes that she'll stabilize and get the help she needs.  But that's not a foundation for a normal adult relationship, because there are two adults involved, and both need to try in a relationship.  If you feel that all you have done is tried and tried, and yet your daughter won't acknowledge any of your efforts--rather, she RESENTS you for having tried so hard and still BLAMES you for her horrible life--then it's OK to protect yourself.  My guess is that you want her to get therapy more than she does.  You want her to have a stable life more than she does.  You want her to love and protect her child more than she does.  But it seems to me she doesn't want your help.  She wants to do whatever she wants whenever she wants it; she doesn't care if she's being cruel to you or even to her own baby.  So it's OK if you take a break from that negativity.  Let your daughter do what she wants, as long as she bears the consequences, not you.  It doesn't have to be forever.  How about, just start with today.  Give yourself some space and grace.  See how that goes.  I sincerely hope it makes you feel better, if only for today.

[Foolingmyself]

I think that because this is not my first time having her split and then physically split, I’m just not as shocked or shook as a I normally will be. I feel relieved and I don’t seem to be ruminating over it. I think that over the years I made a very strong effort to improve my own self care and build my own identity outside of being her mother. The first time she did this I was a mess for six months straight. I didn’t know who I was outside of being her mom and I felt very lost. I’m not going to say I wasn’t shaken but the borderline behavior resurfacing after about a year or so of relative peace and quiet.

Something happened and I’m not sure what to trigger this. I happened to check my Progressive snapshot report for my car which she was using and I saw that she was speeding the same night the initial problem occurred. Something got switched in her brain and it was only a matter of days before she went full split and demonized me. I’m feeling very peaceful but occasionally I think of my beautiful grandbaby and I miss her sweet little smile. I have her blocked because I just don’t want to deal with any back and forth. I feel like she will just be blaming me and trying to engage me in an argument to bolster her lies. I’m staying low key. I haven’t cried, I’m sleeping okay. I’m honestly too calm about it all but that must just be from the fatigue of dealing with being on the receiving end of her borderline personality.