Struggling with some of the advice being offered

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I am ready to look at myself honestly. I am ready to accept my responsibility. If there is something I am missing, o truly believe it is because I cannot see it, not because I am not willing to.

My spouse is quite BPD. We have been together 15 years 3 kids.
Quiet BPD is so different for classic BPD based on the experiences I have read. That is not to say that issues were not obvious early on, just that the issues I thought I was accepting were not the ones I was actually accepting. So much is hidden with quiet BPD, but I find myself questioning how different. My level of shock about things that have been revealed in my relationship, and how sick my spouse really is, seems to be so different from everything I read. This makes it very difficult to find support or understand my experience. I am trying to make a decision about divorce, or at the very least understand how I feel and if I can move forward.

I recently read the following on this website:

“ BPD is a real mental illness and a person with this disorder will have a history of failed relationships.   However, an emotionally mature and grounded person does not get into such relationships and even if they accidentally fell into one, they would reassess their decision process and values, make changes - not get caught up in extended makeup/breakup cycles and come back time and time again.”


This is not my experience. Never have my wife an I broken up or even been close to breaking up. I believe neither of us have considered it, but quiet BPD so who knows. I don’t think she had any failed relationships, just a few standards one with standard breakups, no drama. I thought she was stable, smart, and had her life together more than I did. It actually always appeared like that to our friends and family. Is the advice for quite BPD partners the same as above or different? I feel like I knew there were problems, so I want to be honest with myself, but we just never had drama like what is suggested in the advice above. Maybe I just need to rearrange it to fit my situation? Maybe a mature person would not have put up with some of the things I did (it doesn’t have to be drama).

I guess what I’m asking is quiet BPD a different beast all together? For me and for my wife?

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[ForeverDad]

You're right.  Blanket statements don't fit every circumstance.  That's because we all have different traits to different extents.  We're not identical robots on an assembly line.

However, there are often common behavior patterns, not universal but generally frequent enough to be identifiable.  As an example, autism is often described as being on a spectrum, from moderate to severe.  Similarly, Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, etc all exit exist more or less on a spectrum as well.

Some here report infidelity, others report none or only emotional affairs.  Many report report periodic rants and rages, virtual ragefests.  Some seem to be co-morbid with traits of multiple disorders, such as BPD with NPD traits.  So it is wise to listen, ponder and then determine what fits your experiences.

Another consideration is that those who come here may not reflect the full scope of BPD experiences.  We don't know how many are not motivated to figure out what might be wrong with their loved ones.  They may see more mild behaviors and not be as desperate to seek out information.  The experts (as I recall William Eddy mentioning)p estimate that 10% to 15% of divorces involve a disordered spouse.

You will find quite an array of books over on our Book Club board.  Each author seems to have found certain aspects to highlight.  One I recall was Christine Ann Lawson's Understanding the Borderline Mother where she describes various personality types such as Waif, Hermit, Queen or Witch.  There is quite a variety of behaviors we witness and also quite a variety of strategies, tools and skills we can use depending upon our specific needs.

[Pook075]

My experiences are kind of unique since I have a BPD daughter (traditional) and a BPD ex wife (quiet).  On the surface, they're nothing alike.  One explodes daily, the other keeps everything hidden inside.  Both are very kind when they want to be, and both see things in absolutes when they're disordered (you always say this, you never do that).  My kid picked fights daily with people she was close to.  My wife suffered silently and fell deeper and deeper into depression.

They were nothing alike at a glance, but ultimately they were the same.

How?  Why?  I don't want to get too deep into my story right now because this is about you.  When my ex wife ultimately turned on me though and got to the discard phase, she said and did things that I didn't think she was capable of.  There were decades of built up frustration and it came out with complete hatred just like my kid does daily.  There was zero chance to save my marriage.

Now, you're wondering where your spouse fits in all of that.  She could be exactly like my ex...or nothing like her.  We tend to see patterns here but there's not a one-size-fits-all experience that rings true for all of us.  There's levels of sickness/disorder and there's life expeirences that makes everyone unique.  My ex was a very good, moral person.  My daughter often means well, but her illness pulls her off track so easily.

The illness part is often the same in terms of feelings.  But think about it.  You and I can be together somewhere, something happens, and we both get angry over what happens right in front of us.  Maybe I stay silent or say we need to leave immediately.  Maybe you want to confront the situation and give them a piece of your mind.  Our life experiences are going to play a huge factor in how we each react...even though we both agree on this particular right/wrong.  We could be 100% aligned in our thinking yet do two completely different things, because you and I are individuals with unique morals and experiences.

BPDs are the same way.  Like I said earlier, my ex and my kid are exactly the same at their core due to mental illness.  But their daily life, their actions, their personalities, those are completely different.  The BPD part only refers to how they react when they're disordered.

One last thing.  My kid explodes often, will resort to violence if she feels it's necessary, and will carry a grudge to the ends of the earth.  My ex will stay silent and let things build, which makes her hopelessly depressed with tons of anxiety.  My ex is a good person on paper, my kid is not.

Yet, I would say that my kid is "healthier" mentally.  And I know that sounds crazy at first, but hear me out.  My kid reacts in the moment and gets out all that negative, explosive energy.  Sometimes she cries after or stays anrgy for awhile, but it eventually allows her to reset and go about her day.  My ex, on the other hand, just lets it build internally and feels like she's dying inside.  She can't react because "she's a good person", so the guilt and shame eat away at her 24/7 until she can't stand it anymore.  There is no "reset" because she never takes action or stands up for herself.  Each day is worse than the last.

I love both of them and I have compassion for both of them.  But my heart breaks for my ex because I had a small glimpse into her psyche when she left me several years ago.  She's just like my kid, a volcano ready to explode, yet she hadn't exploded in decades.  And that let her mental illness consume her until there was no other option than suddenly destroying our marriage in spectacular ways.

You may relate to that or you may not.  Hopefully that showed the differences a little bit between the two clasifications.  My wife and my kid are identical at their core, but they're completely different in almost every recognisible way.  They both have hearts of gold that simply get pulled off track by mental illness.