The Flying Monkeys Are At It Again!

[zachira]

I got a phone call from one of the flying monkeys from my large extended family. Summer is the time of year when the flying monkeys bother me because they want to know if I will be around. I kept my cool, practiced boundaries yet today I still feel the hurt. I am still working on accepting that the flying monkeys from the narcissistic family are hell bent on preserving the family image. I have refused to accept my role as scapegoat or the abuse of other scapegoats so I am ostracized. The flying monkeys could never take a look at how they have enabled the abuse of others.

The family does not want me to come to the celebration of life of a close relative who I was close to. The invitations were sent out months ago to everyone but me. Now I am being asked a few days in advance if I will be attending. The person who called knows I was never sent an invitation, that I live far away most of the year and would have just a few days to book a flight to be able to come if I am not actually at the summer place. She just really wanted to know if I would be at the summer place. I used to receive this kind of inquiry every summer and I did not respond. Her phony voice asking me if I was coming just turned my stomach. She made several nasty comments, talked down to me. I am still feeling grossed out by this interaction realizing I have moved so far in discovering my true self and realizing I just do not enjoy my two faced phony relatives.  Thanks for reading this. Want to just move on.

[Notwendy]

I agree- Zachira- I think at some level, it will always feel upsetting when dealing with the flying monkeys. I think a difference now is that- we recognize it and can "recover" our calm again a bit more quicker. I don't think there's one exact word for how this feels- it's like an ick feeling.

They don't change, and yet, I think these episodes also bring back some grief and disappointment - as we had wished for something better with them, but this is who they are.

You have every right to protect your peace. Inractions with family members may not be completely avoidable but acting calm, collected, non reactive keeps your power with you.

Self care is a good response to when we feel icky after contact with them. Go do something nice for yourself

[ForeverDad]

Yes, you're welcome to move on.  When invitations, call or whatever from negative-oriented people come knocking at your door, so to speak, you don't have to answer.  As the saying goes, you don't have to let them rent space in your head for free.

This reminds me of this booklet meant for youths, An Umbrella for Alex.  The message there is generic since minor children need age-appropriate language.  A simple illustration was appropriate, imagine an umbrella or shield to protect you from the harm spewing out from poorly behaving people.

[zachira]

Thank you Notwendy and Forever Dad for responding. Your input is always thoughtful and helpful.  I am finally getting what was so upsetting for me so I can move on. The way the flying monkey talked to me like I was the problem felt terrible: the contempt in her voice, the lies, putting me down while pretending to be nice at times to manipulate me into disclosing if I would be in town, likely to reassure my sister with NPD that I would not be there.

Then I started thinking about how absurd all of this is. The flying monkey and her sister are planning a complete celebration of life for their mother with church service, burial service, big dinner, numerous close family members attending who live far away who will stay in a large rented house for several days. What is so absurd is the mother has been dead for over five years. The flying monkey did not like her mother. I talked to a friend about this and felt so much better. I am not crazy; the flying monkey and her sister are.

I also realized that the flying monkey is likely a narcissist. She has always wanted to be recognized as one of the golden brilliant children in the family even though she is not gifted intellectually. I can remember how upset she was when her younger sister was chosen for the gifted program and she convinced her to drop out. The younger sister never did well in school and nearly flunked out of college. The flying monkey is recently divorced again. I made some comment about how she always seemed to be doing things alone when she was married.  She immediately got defensive saying some pretty superficial things about all that she and her ex husbands did together like in one long marriage taking three trips together.

My challenge is to limit the interactions. I only answered the phone call because it came from an area of the country where I have many relatives. I need to screen unknown calls, though I do not regret picking this one up. It really helped me to see where I stand with the family And to be more firm about setting healthier boundaries with the family and all their flying monkeys.

I have recently realized that at some level I knew that I was a scapegoat of the family at an early age. I never have really been interested in many of my relatives. My sister with NPD was one of the golden children and always has loved the narcissistic supply she receives from most of the family.