Seperation with Quiet BPD partner with extreme event.

[jack123aa]

I lived with a quiet BPD partner for 10 years, and about a month ago, after a major argument, we separated.

I met her 10 years ago, when I was 28 and she was 19. Not long after we started dating, she became pregnant with our first child. Because I loved her, I decided that we would have the baby and build a family together.

Before she met me, she often spoke badly about her ex-boyfriend. She said that when they broke up, he tried to take his own life, and at the time I wondered why things had gone that far. She had also had quite a few relationships for someone who was only 19, and she often said that if someone wronged her once, she would never forget it and would completely cut that person off. I thought she was still young and maybe that was just how she was at the time, but I never imagined that it would eventually lead to such a tragedy.

After our first child was born and began growing up, I saw my wife neglect our child and, at times, handle her very harshly. She would place the child on the bed almost as if throwing her down. Once, when our child was running away, she threw a toy at her, hitting her and causing a cut under her nose that bled. Another time, she pushed the child into a door and our child’s head was cut and bleeding. There were actions that felt close to abuse.

I could not understand my wife’s behaviour, so I asked her why she was acting that way. She said things I could not understand, such as that she could not understand the unconditional love of a parent, and that she could not feel a bond with her daughter.

Then one day, I saw my wife self-harming with a knife alone in the bathroom. Later, when I felt I could no longer continue and decided to separate from her, she began threatening suicide. At one point, she tried to take her own life by taking my antidepressant medication, so I took her to the emergency department. There, a doctor told us that she had BPD.

That was when I realised that my wife had borderline personality disorder. But by then, 10 years had already passed, and our second child had already been born.

After that, many pieces of the puzzle slowly began to fit together: her lack of financial awareness, impulsive and risky choices, dangerous driving, and many other signs that seemed consistent with BPD.

Because of the repeated suicide threats, the ongoing neglect and mistreatment of the children, and the constant broken promises, I became financially and mentally exhausted. During one argument, I lost control just once and used violence. I was arrested by the police, and the children left with her.

I became a family violence offender. Now I cannot see my children, and I have to rebuild my life from a completely broken place at the age of 38.

Less than one month after our separation, she is already looking for someone else to date.

I am struggling every single day, not knowing what will happen to my children, what I should do, or whether I will ever be able to care for them again in this completely broken life.

[wantmorepeace]

I am so sorry.  This is not an area in which I have any knowledge or experience to share.  But I can offer sympathy.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to BPD Family.  We do understand what you've had to deal with for so many years.  You will find excellent peer support here in the weeks, months and years to come.

My first thought is that all is not lost.  Yes, you're at a distinct disadvantage as a parent, but recovery after all this is still possible.  We've walked in your shoes, "been there, done that" and hope is not lost.

Have you sought help with local resources such as legal representation with an experienced family law attorney, or if necessary a criminal lawyer?  I recall my divorce lawyer stated his first task was to sit on his new clients... so they would not say anything without his approval so his work was not made more difficult than it already was.  He always said you have the right to remain silent, you do not have to testify against yourself.

It sounds like the separation is quite recent.  Do you have a protection or stay-away order filed against you?  If so, is it still pending without a final ruling?  You need legal guidance to minimize the risk to your parenting.

Is reconciliation a possibility?  Reconciling with your spouse and dropping the recent incident would not mean you could never separate in a future separation or divorce.

You are also encouraged to seek local therapy.  (My lawyer always said, "Courts love counseling!")  Having an expert assist in resolving the relationship issues in your family is always a good thing.

• ... for yourself
• ... for the children (surely they have been impacted by living in a dysfunctional home)
• ... for your spouse (although she is likely to reject therapy since many people with BPD have extreme levels of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting)

While we are neither lawyers nor counselors - we are peer support - we have a wealth of collective experience and are here to share however we can help.

[ForeverDad]

Let me share what happened in my case, though the genders were switched so I admit it is not an exact match to your situation.

My ex was arrested after a particularly extreme ragefest.  I had called the police and they initially asked me to "step away".  My preschooler was in my arms and refused to go to his mother.  They left and after I downloaded my recording of the incident, I made a police report and she was arrested for Threat of DV.  Yes, there was no overt violence as in your case.  But after a few months of continuance her case was dismissed.

Here's what happened when she was released... she promptly went to family court and sought protection from me for herself and our preschooler.  This was when I had just been granted a temporary protection order from her!  Unbelievably to me, family court granted her temp custody and majority parenting time.  I was stunned.  What world was I living in?  I had a temp protection order!

My point is this:  My court viewed a spouse's behavior as separate from a parent's behavior, almost as though two separate people, as nonsensical as that sounds.  All I'm saying is that once there is a review of the family dynamic, your role as parent is not as hopeless as you feel right now.