Her passive aggressive behavior and my anger and resentment

[KitKat68]

I’ve posted here about my elderly mom diagnosed with BPD (diagnosed in 2008, no treatment outside of a couple appointments in 2008) before. She and her alcoholic BF are in an unhealthy relationship where he has taken it upon himself to be a flying monkey and to punish my husband and I for needing and taking space. We’ve been LC to completely estranged for the past couple of years.

Mom crashes out around holidays and other significant dates, one of which is coming up soon. They are not allowed here because of their increasingly aggressive and abusive behavior. They also physically abuse one another and I want nothing to do with the possibility they would try that approach with us.

Regarding not being allowed here, I have a FedEx account associated with my address and yesterday I receive an email that an item from the third party  “small town we will ship it however you’d like” store located a short distance away from my house. A 5lb package to arrive here today. She uses these small retailers to ship to people who’d rather not hear from her (people she’s estranged from) because of the way they ship it; she pays cash for shipping costs and the sender info is the name of the store rather than her own name. One time she shipped her former best friend she hadn’t seen in 30+ years a bunch of old items (junk from an old moving box) I’m sure her old friend couldn’t have cared less about. Did the same with one of her ex husbands she hasn’t seen since 2006. I once told my mom this is “ambush contact” and she should leave people from her past alone. Particularly those who have specifically told her to leave them alone.

I am angry and unsettled about this FedEx thing and not sure what to do with my feelings. I have another very problematic relative (also dx’d BPD) who I’ve managed to create great distance from over the last several years, it’s been helpful. I’m in my late 50’s and feel like I’ve been an adult since the third grade. I have no one reliable in my personal life other than my husband (who I’m thankful for) and the petty part of me would love to give my mom a piece of my mind. I know I shouldn’t be JADE’ing but in my mind it seems like it would be satisfying to tell her how weird and screwed up it is to use FedEx to send me something that first has to travel 150 miles before coming back to the same town it started in - she and I live in the same zip code. If confronted, she’d tragically waif and wax poetic about “just wanting to love” me and regardless of the outcome she and her BF, by the next day or week, will be swerving at us in traffic while giving us the finger.

As a kid I had no voice and now in my 50’s and by virtue of how to handle someone with a diagnosis of BPD, I still have no voice. Shouldn’t JADE, can’t have an adult conversation with someone who doesn’t function like an adult, can’t be the slightest bit harsh because she’ll split and there will be h*ll to pay for me and everyone else.

Therapy, which I’ve been to a lot of, doesn’t seem to get me past being angry. At least it hasn’t been linear progress. I hate the passive aggressive stuff like the FedEx thing (she’s sending whatever it is for herself and her frantic needs, has got nothing to do with me) and also can’t stand weepy, waify behavior. Continually taking up with abusive and disordered men who she expects we treat like family. Now I’ve fawned and tolerated her behavior for a long time and I think I burned myself out on wanting any relationship with her at all, not even low contact.

[Notwendy]

I understand your frustration, being parentified at a young age and having to walk on eggshells and tolerate these disordered people.

I don't think there's one path to how we work these issues out for ourselves. You are angry- and that is where you are at. There's no one time frame for moving past this, and we can feel what we feel.

While it feels like not JADEing or not telling your mother what you think is something we do for them, it might help to reframe this as something you do for yourself, because, you don't want to put yourself through this- because it just doesn't work. So you can choose to not do something that takes your time and energy, it won't work, and it ultimately would leave you more upset and frustrated.

We are all human and there were times I "lost it" with BPD mother. I compared this to having p*ssing into the wind and having it all come back at you. It didn't register with BPD mother- she dissociated and projected it all back even more.

If we think about why we might JADE, or get angry at someone, it's because we hope to repair the relationship. We also decide how to express our feelings. If we are annoyed at a spouse leaving socks on the floor, we don't fly off the handle at them, but we can say "please pick up your socks, it bothers me to see them on the floor". The expected response is, maybe that spouse feels a bit annoyed but they also don't fly off the handle and they remember to pick up their socks.

For someone with BPD if we say this, they might fly off the handle and still leave the socks on the floor, so speaking to them is useless.

I know this is a trite example but if there's no way to communicate that is effective, then it's frustrating.

However, there ar other ways to relate and that is by actions. One can let the socks stay where they are, pile up, and then the person has no clean socks and may get the message.

Not reacting is an action.  To not JADE is to not react and that decreases the drama. Not engaging in circular discussions, not reacting- because if you do get angry, it shows they can still get a response from you. If they engage through drama, it doesn't give them any.

I think it will help you to reframe not JADEing as something done for you. You do have a voice but that voice is reserved for the people and situations you care about most, and this isn't one of them.

We can't control what someone else does. Anyone can mail a package to someone else. Yes, this is aggravating but you can't control what your mother decides to do. If it were me, I'd treat this like a mail ad or solicitation. We can't control those either. I'd open the package, on the chance there's something in there I might want. If not, depending on what it is, I might donate it, or if it's junk, toss it. Then, not respond at all, or if there's still a relationship- text a "thank you" and then don't engage more than is necessary.

[zachira]

It is understandable that you are frustrated and angry with all the antics of your mother with BPD. I have a sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) who never stops enlisting flying monkeys. It seems that when we have a disordered person in our lives who refuses to let go and respect our boundaries despite our being low contact or no contact, that are only choice is to limit how much this person rents space in our head. It is just insane that your mother would go to the lengths she does to get a package to you and others who do not want contact with her. The reality is we will likely never understand very well the behaviors of disordered people because the behaviors are so irrational, the actions of a crazy person.

[KitKat68]

I understand your frustration, being parentified at a young age and having to walk on eggshells and tolerate these disordered people.

I don't think there's one path to how we work these issues out for ourselves. You are angry- and that is where you are at. There's no one time frame for moving past this, and we can feel what we feel.

While it feels like not JADEing or not telling your mother what you think is something we do for them, it might help to reframe this as something you do for yourself, because, you don't want to put yourself through this- because it just doesn't work. So you can choose to not do something that takes your time and energy, it won't work, and it ultimately would leave you more upset and frustrated.

We are all human and there were times I "lost it" with BPD mother. I compared this to having p*ssing into the wind and having it all come back at you. It didn't register with BPD mother- she dissociated and projected it all back even more.

If we think about why we might JADE, or get angry at someone, it's because we hope to repair the relationship. We also decide how to express our feelings. If we are annoyed at a spouse leaving socks on the floor, we don't fly off the handle at them, but we can say "please pick up your socks, it bothers me to see them on the floor". The expected response is, maybe that spouse feels a bit annoyed but they also don't fly off the handle and they remember to pick up their socks.

For someone with BPD if we say this, they might fly off the handle and still leave the socks on the floor, so speaking to them is useless.

I know this is a trite example but if there's no way to communicate that is effective, then it's frustrating.

However, there ar other ways to relate and that is by actions. One can let the socks stay where they are, pile up, and then the person has no clean socks and may get the message.

Not reacting is an action.  To not JADE is to not react and that decreases the drama. Not engaging in circular discussions, not reacting- because if you do get angry, it shows they can still get a response from you. If they engage through drama, it doesn't give them any.

I think it will help you to reframe not JADEing as something done for you. You do have a voice but that voice is reserved for the people and situations you care about most, and this isn't one of them.

We can't control what someone else does. Anyone can mail a package to someone else. Yes, this is aggravating but you can't control what your mother decides to do. If it were me, I'd treat this like a mail ad or solicitation. We can't control those either. I'd open the package, on the chance there's something in there I might want. If not, depending on what it is, I might donate it, or if it's junk, toss it. Then, not respond at all, or if there's still a relationship- text a "thank you" and then don't engage more than is necessary.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, it’s very helpful.

I have a daughter in her 30’s whose alcoholic dad (my ex who passed several years ago) who alienated her from me post divorce. I’d also say she and I have other issues aside from the major issues he caused and she’s also BPD. Over the years I’ve learned how to greatly temper my reactions to her (she’s a lot like my mom but always far more ready for an argument with me or anyone else) and I’ve learned that sometimes no reaction is for the best. That situation and therapy is where I learned about not JADEing and other things which have been helpful dealing with her AND my mom. That being said,  I would love to tell her (mom) what I think but I know it would do no good. Like you mentioned, p*ssing in the wind.

I don’t think I’m up for repairing the relationship so likely no sense in saying much to her. Mom is in her 70’s and while I think people of all ages can change, I don’t think SHE can or even wants to. It’s always everyone else’s fault, she won’t get help, and she will become physically abusive if she, as she says, feels pushed and finally loses it. Again, never her fault. There have been 5-10 instances over only the last few years where both she and her BF should live been in jail and for her it’s always assault. For him it’s both that and alcohol issues. She will eventually get angry enough and boom, off she goes, then eventually go back to waify and weepy and blame her physical violence on whoever. Even her dead mother. Never herself. I am convinced she will never change or even attempt to. She hasn’t been to therapy in 18 years and the only time she goes is because of “someone else.”

[CC43]

Hi KitKat,

I think you're right to feel angry and resentful.  And yet the tone of your overall message is one of calm resignation.  As I wrote that, it occurred to me that a synonym for calm resignation would be quiet quitting.  Maybe right now, the best thing for you is to quietly quit the relationship.  In the workplace, that term describes doing the bare minimum for the job description.  In your case, it could mean doing the bare minimum for daughterhood, in the name of protecting yourself first and foremost.  You deserve that.

You're right, at this point your mom isn't going to change for the better.  Chances are that she gets worse as she ages.  You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and if your mom isn't treating you right, then you can go ahead and minimize contact with her.  I'd say, try not to let her ruin your day.  Try not to let her take up more of your mental bandwidth than she deserves!

As for the FedEx pacakges and mean, waify messages, my approach would be to consider them as spam, because that's exactly what they are--an everyday nuissance.  Like Notwendy wrote, you can't get rid of spam, but you also shouldn't let it irritate you too much either.  Spam goes directly into the trash, after the most cursory glance.  Nevertheless, sometimes you might feel indignation that you're still getting spam, after all these years, and that's normal too!  When that happens to me--when I notice that little things are bothering me more than usual--I typically take a time out and do a little tidying, to simplify my life.  Sometimes that means blocking messages.  I clean out the piles of paper mail, my electronic inbox, my voicemails--all those little negative reminders nagging at me.  Maybe I'm weird, but taking out the trash (literally and electronically) is a satisfying chore to me.  Out of sight, out of mind (more or less).  Give yourself some grace and let the spam go.  That way, "dealing with Mom" and "dealing with FedEx package" can come right off your to-do list today.  OK?

[Notwendy]

That being said,  I would love to tell her (mom) what I think but I know it would do no good. Like you mentioned, p*ssing in the wind.

I don’t think I’m up for repairing the relationship so likely no sense in saying much to her. Mom is in her 70’s and while I think people of all ages can change, I don’t think SHE can or even wants to. It’s always everyone else’s fault, she won’t get help, and she will become physically abusive if she, as she says, feels pushed and finally loses it. Again, never her fault. There have been 5-10 instances over only the last few years where both she and her BF should live been in jail and for her it’s always assault. For him it’s both that and alcohol issues. She will eventually get angry enough and boom, off she goes, then eventually go back to waify and weepy and blame her physical violence on whoever. Even her dead mother. Never herself. I am convinced she will never change or even attempt to. She hasn’t been to therapy in 18 years and the only time she goes is because of “someone else.”

My BPD mother couldn't see the connection between her behavior and how others reacted to it. She did attend therapy at times but didn't have the insight to respond to it.

I did once "let it all out" with her. It was a difficult time for our family. Dad was in his last days. We were all stressed, and distraught- she had escalated her BPD behavior. In my own emotional state, I couldn't tolerate it. The family pattern had been that we all did- were compliant with her and walking on eggshells but this time I just said what I thought, I yelled at her.

It felt good in the moment to have this angry outburst, then she reacted- in anger, and the reaction was also escalated. Sometimes we have to learn from experience and this wasn't a lesson I ever wanted. After that, I just knew to not do it- for my own self.

I know I mention 12 steps ACA (also includes family dysfunction- not only alcohol) and CODA a lot but for me, it helped, in addition to therapy. It works better if you do the whole thing- work with a sponsor, as well as attend groups. Groups alone, I don't think would be as effective.

It's a lay led group and the sponsor has to be experienced and a good match, and I got lucky with mine. I suggest attending a few sessions, groups if there are more- and seeing who is there. In time, it's possible to tell who is a seasoned group member willing to sponsor people. Working with the sponsor was "tough love"- she turned the mirror on me, not to be mean, but because, the only person we can work on is ourselves. There is a process for looking at resentments and when we can see how it affects us, we are more willing to work at letting them go. It's not about the other person or if they deserve it but that we are worth not holding on to them. If you feel you want to go past your resentments and therapy isn't getting you there- you may want to look into this, but also it's a process and we feel what we feel at the time, so no need to be judging yourself. It's also not a one and done process- we can still feel anger and resentment- but it's another "tool" to deal with this when we do.

[KitKat68]

It is understandable that you are frustrated and angry with all the antics of your mother with BPD. I have a sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) who never stops enlisting flying monkeys. It seems that when we have a disordered person in our lives who refuses to let go and respect our boundaries despite our being low contact or no contact, that are only choice is to limit how much this person rents space in our head. It is just insane that your mother would go to the lengths she does to get a package to you and others who do not want contact with her. The reality is we will likely never understand very well the behaviors of disordered people because the behaviors are so irrational, the actions of a crazy person.

It seems my mom totally operates in this bubble where she orchestrates her behavior and actions which on the surface seem nice but they really aren’t. This thing with the FedEx package that finally showed up this morning made me realize she hasn’t truly bothered to know my grown kids and my husband and me. Not really. Bear in mind there was no one preventing her and our kids are in their early 30’s with kids of their own so she’s had plenty of time. It’s like she just buys these material items at least loosely related to our interests and casts them in our direction. That makes her feel like she’s done enough but to me doesn’t feel like connection.

I’m nearing my 60’s and I don’t need anyone to buy me anything nor go to ridiculous lengths (FedEx) to send me something she could’ve just mailed or just not done at all. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’m not a stuff person and I also don’t expect anything from anyone and won’t be offended if I don’t receive anything. If she actually knew me she’d know that travel with my husband is one of my main interests and we just got back from an international trip only days ago. I think she just passes it all off as me getting drinks by a pool somewhere in a place with better weather than here. She doesn’t even know me well enough to know that isn’t even what we’re doing on our trips. No offense to those who do vacation that way because that’s all fun too. My point is more that she doesn’t even bother to find out who I am and just assumes she knows me and what I do.

I don’t know if any of that makes any sense but it’s just frustrating to me that whatever goes on in her bubble tells her she can throw some stuff at me, no different than giving a toddler a pile of toys, and what’s worse is she only does it to quell her anxiety or somehow to make herself feel better or look better to others. If she actually ever listened when I speak she’d know I don’t need or want any of that material stuff and whatever items I do want I can just buy myself. I would much rather have a nice back and forth conversation with someone than have a bunch of trinkets shipped to me.

The “interesting” part will come when I don’t give her the reaction she’s looking for regarding the FedEx delivery of stuff. Undying gratefulness for gifts I’ll likely donate, some huge overture of love I don’t actually feel and won’t be doing, or whatever. Don’t give her what she’s been wanting and her BF will go back to the rude gestures and swerving at us in traffic.

[zachira]

My mother had BPD; buying and doing things was her way of supposedly connecting to her children and being a good mother. It is so rewarding to be around a person who listens with empathy; is able to show that he/she cares. When a mother cannot be  empathetic and have genuine interest in knowing her children; it is a life long sorrow.

Choosing to donate what your mother sends you to other people who might be able to use the things, is a real positive way to deal with the frustration of how she tries to somehow acknowledge your existence.

[wantmorepeace]

Something helpful my therapist told me is to think about your values and your goals.  You can't get the BPD person to change, but you can choose what you do based on your values and on what you hope will be the outcome.  That's a realistic outcome of course (not the fantasy outcomes of the BPD person changing that I've had so many of ) and you can't be sure under any circumstances what the outcome will be. But you can ask yourself whether what you're considering doing aligns with what you want.   

[CC43]

This thing with the FedEx package that finally showed up this morning made me realize she hasn’t truly bothered to know my grown kids and my husband and me. . . . That makes her feel like she’s done enough but to me doesn’t feel like connection.

I get where you're coming from and have seen a similar issue in my extended family.  My disordered uNPD ex-brother-in-law seems to think he's an amazing father.  Yet he's chronically delinquent on child support.  He has missed more than half of his parenting time, without providing notice or any valid excuse--he's simply a no-show.  It's not as if he's busy earning a living, because he's long-term unemployed, by choice.  By not showing up for parenting time, it's as if he's saying to his kids that his time is more important than theirs, and he doesn't really want to see them.  Anyway, recently, my triplet nieces and nephew turned thirteen.  My ex-BIL made a huge deal about getting them birthday presents, and he asked each of them what they wanted.  But he neglected to send any of the gifts (let alone deliver them himself) by the date of their birthday.  When the gifts arrived by mail a couple of weeks late, he sent a message congratulating them on their birthday, but he got their age wrong (he thought they were turning twelve).  And even though the kids had sent him links online to the things they wanted, he ordered them something similar, but invariably a cheaper version.  One niece wanted a bike.  Well, her dad ordered her a bike, but it was sized for a a five-year-old.  My nephew wanted a life vest for water sports.  His uNPD dad got him one, but sized men's XXXL (since it was half price or something), and it doesn't fit my 120 lb nephew.  Then as a supposed joke(?), my ex-BIL sent his 13-year-old son a patch with the word "penis" spelled out in Greek letters, as if he's supposed to sew the patch onto his Boy Scouts uniform or something.  Anyway, my point is, though the kids received gifts, they are totally inappropriate, and possibly even passive-aggressively MEAN.  Then dad gets upset if the kids don't gush, send prolific thanks, and call their dad the most wonderful dad in the world.  Instead, the kids feel misunderstood, unloved, torn.  I mean, can you imagine a 13-year-old young woman trying to ride the teeny bike her dad got her?  Meanwhile, their mom is livid, because she has to deal with their disappointment, explain once again that their dad loves them, but he doesn't know how to show it, while having to figure out how to donate the gifts or throw them right in the trash.  On top of that, she's fuming because, if given the choice, the kids would skip the gifts entirely and just take the child support, which would mean they could afford their activities, like Boy Scouts trips, and music and ballet lessons over summer vacation.

As you've probably experienced, this sort of thing isn't a one-time mistake of poor judgment, but a recurring pattern of passive-aggressive control and back-handed insults disguised as "generosity."  I think you're right, your Mom doesn't know you at all.  What she's trying to do is convince herself that she's a "good" mom, while looking for "fake" confirmation from you in the form of effusive thanks and praise; in the absence of that, it will be your fault you're an unappreciative daughter.  Does that sound about right?

Alas, I doubt your mom will ever change, not at this late stage in the game.  I know it hurts not to have a close and loving relationship with your own mom.  But in a way, I imagine it makes you cherish the close relationships you do have in your life today, perhaps even more than ever.  I hope you found a wonderful husband who does love you, get you, support you and appreciate you.  And you can break the cycle by loving your kids in the way you wish your mom loved you.  My guess is that your kids think they have a great mom, and that's everything, isn't it?

All my best to you.