Quiet BPD - need help understanding

[cravingpeace234]

My gf with quiet BPD broke up with me suddenly over text last week. She was very apologetic but cold/short with her responses. I also discovered she had blocked me on everything. I made the unfortunate mistake of chasing her, breaking a lot of no contact boundaries, nothing in person though. Unfortunately, the last communication I received from her was when I reached out letting her know I am sympathetic of her condition and here to talk if/when she needed me. Unfortunately, her response to this was not positive and that's the last I've heard from her. I've read posts and forums that seem to point towards going no contact and that it will eventually alleviate her pain and bring forgiveness. However, the more I read into more specific cases, it seems that with Quiet BPD, there is no charm. And besides, her reasoning for ending things and blocking is actually reasonable: long distance is hard.

I am now on day 9 of indefinite no contact. My question is: does no contact work on a person with quiet BPD the same way it does with regular BPD? What are the chances I ever speak to her again? I am pretty sure I am (or was) her favorite person. What are my chances that she gets in contact with me? Should I break no contact and reach out eventually? I would love some insight from someone who was dealt with Quiet BPD. Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome to the forums. We've all been through the same thing so we know exactly where youre coming from.

the last communication I received from her was when I reached out letting her know I am sympathetic of her condition and here to talk if/when she needed me. Unfortunately, her response to this was not positive and that's the last I've heard from her.

A lot of BPD's won't ever admit they have any sort of problem, always playing 'the victim' and can react badly to any accusations of being the cause. Even when breakups happen a lot they can't make the logical connection that they are the common denominator in every incident. BPD is an illness of self-denial and if the sufferer believes they aren't the problem then they'll do nothing to try it fix it. In their mind it's 'the world' that needs fixing, never them.

If you keep contacting them they can become overwhelmed and this can make them withdraw further. We're often in a no-win situation where if we ignore them they think we dont care and if we make too much fuss we're 'controlling and demanding'.  BPD can turn our well-meaning acts into ones seen as hostile.

One thing applies to all versions of BPD; you can't make them do anything they don't want to. I'd be inclined to send her a simple and sincere message that you're there for her whenever she wants to talk and then you can do no more - the ball is firmly in her court.

I used to give my exBPD g/f space to cool off and she would eventually return to the place we used to go, but she could takes weeks - and in one case 9 months - to do it. Once I'd wrote though, I didn't keep contacting her.

Hope this helps, no doubt others will be along to give help and advice too.

[cravingpeace234]

It's a tricky line to ride for me. It's been 12 days of no contact and I feel like I've already said all that I could say in that first week of chasing and it's probably best not to break the silence. My reckless chasing probably caused either a permanent split or one that will last a very very long time and that reality has been very hard to face because I feel I really loved her. Since we were long distance I doubt she'll really even be prompted to think about me after a certain amount of time since there isn't much reminding her to do so. I'm hurting badly, but thank you for the response - reading it did help quite a bit. Do you think reaching out after a few weeks with a brief message is wise?

[Under The Bridge]

Should I break no contact and reach out eventually?

If you've heard nothing from her then it might be worth messaging her - you have nothing to lose. BPD is so unpredictable, some will switch off and never look back while some may return after time, or at least try to maintain some sort of contact - like liking your FB posts or commenting where they know you'll see it -  so that you know they're still out there and so they know that you're still interested. Even if they're with someone else they still want to know they have other options should their current situation change.

I wish there was some sort of logical process but with BPD we never know what they're thinking or planning. They don't even know themselves from one minute to another.

Send a message and hope for the best. I know it's hard to do, but try to concentrate on yourself and your own mental and physical well-being. BPD actions are totally out of our control but we do have control over ourselves so be with friends, do hobbies and try and stay strong. Remember, you had a life before you met your partner.