How do you live life not solely focus on the pwbpd - yet still care & love them?

[JsMom]

As background. At the time being I'm not being contacted by my swubpd in a crisis. In fact he will even call just to say hi which is wonderful.  His life is stable and he's managing ok as far as I know. I don't pry like I used to. He's a single Dad and at 45 the big dramas have so far been more spaced out than the daily drama through his teen years and 20's. In his life there has been suicide attempts, physical violence with knives, hospital stays, running away, homelessness, police calls... Thankfully, it seems for quite a long while those worst days are behind him. He's had success in his work and puts effort into being the best dad he can be. .
Still - I have struggled with not living in fear daily, waiting for the next crisis. I'm doing better than a month ago on managing my anxiety and even doing hobbies that I enjoy yet abandoned years ago.
Initially I thought to ask you all - how do you prepare yourself for the next wave. Now I wonder if it's not about looking and waiting for it. Instead, being solid in what my boundaries are, getting the therapy that's supporting me, checking in here on the board and practicing living a my life not focused on one person.
I know my thoughts to prepare myself were to protect my heart from hurting. I believe that  if/when I'm faced with not rescuing my son, my heart will hurt. It'll be painful.  I will survive and get stronger and by the grace of God he will too.
I think about all the families here that are going through such horribly difficult times. I hope you're taking advantage of support available, this disease is brutal. And I hope you see improvements as they come, even if small.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

What helped me the most was realizing that my daughter has a mental illness that I'm powerless to cure.  She has made major strides in therapy and like your son, she's much better at coping than her teens and early 20's.  She's 27 now.

Like you, my contact is limited because I can't be in the middle of the highs and lows of her everyday life.  When things are good, she rushes into things care-free without thinking about consequences.  When things are bad, she hates everyone and the world is against her.  I honestly don't know which is worse, the manic or the depressive.  Her worst decisions by far have been when she was on top of the world, and that always leads to a major crash when reality catches up.

So I've stepped way back to exit that cycle, and it gives me so much clarity that I didn't have before.  When she's in crisis, I can remain calm and supportive.  When she's hyper and excited, I can warn her that her actions could be harmful and be okay regardless if she listens or not.  I've realized that it's her life and she has to live it.

If I don't have any control, and I have very little influence on how she lives life, then I'm not going to focus on it anymore.  She can call or visit and I'll be supportive...but I won't be in the middle of anything.  I'll listen, calm her down, and give short, basic advice.  The rest is up to her though and I accept that.

[JsMom]

If I don't have any control, and I have very little influence on how she lives life, then I'm not going to focus on it anymore.  She can call or visit and I'll be supportive...but I won't be in the middle of anything.  I'll listen, calm her down, and give short, basic advice.  The rest is up to her though and I accept that.
[/quote]

[JsMom]

Pook,
Thank you for sharing. For me, it's about being clear about the reality of the issues my son deals with. This has been his life long struggle. I'd love nothing more than to see him healed from this illness. As that's not the case - I need to not be thrown off or discouraged when he choices and actions reflect otherwise. I agree, that for my peace of mind I need to have limited knowledge about his life. That's sad for a parent who loves their child. But as you said I have no control and I'm not willing to ride on that emotional roller-coaster anymore. It hasn't helped him (I have tried for decades) and it sure doesn't help me.
Besides the letting go, I need to grieve I suppose and choose acceptance of what is our reality.  I truly appreciate the support

[JsMom]

I am so technically challenged. I thought your comment I highlighted would be connected to my message. Maybe next time.

[wantmorepeace]

I've had problems with that too, JsMom.  What seems to be is that you click reply to the post, then the empty reply box comes up and the prior entries into the thread are below with directions at top right about "quotebox."

[JsMom]

Thanks I'll try that !

[JsMom]

Another question.  I want to handle the panic, desperate, emotional phone calls differently. I try to validate, and reason. But logic isn't operating at these times. So I eventually cave to help him calm down. Money, make a call, or whatever. 
Pook, you mentioned that you try to help your daughter calm down.  Any advice in how to do that?  I understand that I may need to end the call (for my peace). I guess I wish there were some suggestions that work for people who are disregulated to talk them down.