Advice on collecting evidence of DWI incident

[ParentingThruIt]

You could look for police blotters etc to find any evidence of the auto accident (if there was some kind of collision).

You could also call CPS and tell ask them in a theoretical sort of way. When my ex and I were still together, he had started to pass out while caring for the kids. I called CPS about it. Their reply was that they expected me to basically intervene and manage the situation to keep the kids safe, since I was the safe parent in the household, or I could seek to get the other parent removed. It was clear to me that the situation wasn't something I could manage so I got him removed.

[PeteWitsend]

You could look for police blotters etc to find any evidence of the auto accident (if there was some kind of collision).

You could also call CPS and tell ask them in a theoretical sort of way. When my ex and I were still together, he had started to pass out while caring for the kids. I called CPS about it. Their reply was that they expected me to basically intervene and manage the situation to keep the kids safe, since I was the safe parent in the household, or I could seek to get the other parent removed. It was clear to me that the situation wasn't something I could manage so I got him removed.

I checked the local PD, and they don't have a police blotter on their site, or at least one that's public.  And this being a rural area, there's no newspaper or reporting going on.  I did find a website that tracks official accident reports and didn't see anything in the area that matched the description of her vehicle or the incident on that date, or the next day, if they reported it late.

I've paid a PI to see what they can dig up about this, if anything, and any other calls to her address over the years. 

It appears to come down to whether the homeowner who's mailbox was hit would call the police and at least file a report so there's something in the system, or just replace it. 

As far as getting CPS involved, I know they've been called a couple other times on her home due to excessive noisy fighting and arguments.  They didn't do anything and closed the file each time.  In this case, I could see it going nowhere again, as there's no evidence she was drinking (other than my daughter's testimony), and even if they buy it, I could see them concluding it was an isolated incident (it was her wedding day) and wouldn't happen again.  Everytime I've had contact with school counselors, CPS, etc. it seems like they're looking for an excuse to do nothing. 

[ForeverDad]

One time my ex came to my home with an officer for a failed exchange.  Later when I tried to get the officer's record of the visit it was a simple page for the shift with columns including address and simple resolved or not resolved columns.  There was no detail about the interchanges or issues.  In that instance the records were unhelpful.

[PeteWitsend]

One time my ex came to my home with an officer for a failed exchange.  Later when I tried to get the officer's record of the visit it was a simple page for the shift with columns including address and simple resolved or not resolved columns.  There was no detail about the interchanges or issues.  In that instance the records were unhelpful.

Yeah, I'm not expecting much, but I figured if there was a police report made that day regarding the accident, it could substantiate my claim and my daughter's claim of the incident.

a simple "Homeowner reports unknown vehicle hit their mailbox and drove away" would be something at least.  And any other details, such as "white SUV" would go a long way to confirming it, as well as subpoenaing any repairs or insurance claims she's had to make during that time

[PeteWitsend]

Well, the situation there at BPDxw's home has taken a very serious turn for the worst, and so it looks like things are about to get much more complicated for a while.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it must be there somewhere.  wish me luck.  Got a long way to go right now.  Will share more when able.

[At Bay]

I'm sorry to hear that.

[ForeverDad]

If you think a volcanic eruption is simmering over in ex's home, have your lawyer be alert if/when to file emergency paperwork to remove your daughter from the impending disaster, whatever it is.  Though since courts are usually slow, if emergency services action is needed, then the paperwork comes a close second.

[kells76]

Really sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. Believe me, I get it.

Re: CPS:
It may be less of a question of "they won't do anything" and more a question of "even though they might not do anything, I may have a responsibility to report, regardless of the outcome". Does that make sense? Ask your L.

[PeteWitsend]

Really sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. Believe me, I get it.

Re: CPS:
It may be less of a question of "they won't do anything" and more a question of "even though they might not do anything, I may have a responsibility to report, regardless of the outcome". Does that make sense? Ask your L.

I did file a report.  CPS came out guns blazing, but then (somewhat predictably) went quiet.  But they are involved, FWIW (it is apparently not worth much). 

Aside from that, I won my first legal hurdle; the court is taking things more seriously & gave me everything I asked for temporarily, putting BPDxw behind the 8 Ball.  More hearings coming up if we can't settle, but I'm in the driver's seat, which is good. 

[ForeverDad]

One pattern I've seen over the years and particularly in my own family court hurdles is that courts are very passively reluctant to make major changes to custody and parenting time schedules.  Same goes for the associated professionals.

It's almost as though the court expects major fixes to be too shocking to the children, so they take a "least intervention that addresses the current situation" approach.  I recall my lawyer saying something like that and I remember thinking - or saying - "What if the child wants and needs big changes?"  My parenting in my divorce was like the markets, huge crash at the beginning and then stair stepping back up over time.

You may need to get the services of a trusted Guardian ad Litem (GAL) to represent the legal interests of the children.  I recall William Eddy observing that experienced lawyers don't make much money in such assignments and too often newbies find themselves overextended.  But beware, even there the GAL may go along with the court's passive pace and minimalist approach.  My son's GAL was great but it took a few years and a couple order improvements to attain an order that worked.

[ForeverDad]

One pattern I've seen over the years and particularly in my own family court hurdles is that courts are very passively reluctant to make major changes to custody and parenting time schedules.  Same goes for the associated professionals.

It's almost as though the court expects major fixes to be too shocking to the children, so they take a "least intervention that addresses the current situation" approach.

To expand on this thought, I recall in my own divorce there was one exception... when we first arrived in family court... that first temporary order.  Then, sadly, the court was quick to take us who had been parenting together for years and award temp custody and temp parenting to the Mother and Father only had alternate weekends and an evening in between.  "Temporary" was the problem.  Though within two weeks CPS had stood up in court and stated they had "no concerns" about me, nothing changed.  As so often happens nothing changed until the final decree some to years later, after the court's own parenting investigation and the in-depth Custody Evaluation.  Even then - post-divorce - the court was reluctant to make big changes.

What I've seen in many cases reported here is that when some big event is brought to the courts attention, it and the associated professionals can be quick to take action and make new temp orders.  But then, rather than seeing this as a long term and ingrained pattern needing long term changes, they will seek to set goals to stair step parenting back to the way it was.

The problem is that the goals are just one sided, step to reduce the actions just taken.  Almost universally the outlined steps never include what to do when the problem parent doesn't truly follow the restorative steps and starts causing problems again.  Then when things predictably "go off the rails" nothing can happen until it goes back to court perhaps months later.  So there ought to be some mechanism clearly set in the order where an official steps in and requires some of the prior restrictions to be restored at least until a hearing date can be scheduled and held.

Whether you can get such a novel concept - I'm being a bit facetious here - included in any ordered positive goals-related schedule may be up to you and your attorney.

I also failed to mention here that if your children had previously been blocked from counseling services by the ex - except perhaps what is available in schools - then this is the time to get that started.  Years ago my lawyer told me "Courts love counseling!"  And often when parents can't agree on counselors for the children, the court will step in and agree with us.  Of course, we need to select experienced, unbiased and respected professionals.

[CC43]

Almost universally the outlined steps never include what to do when the problem parent doesn't truly follow the restorative steps and starts causing problems again.  Then when things predictably "go off the rails" nothing can happen until it goes back to court perhaps months later.  So there ought to be some mechanism clearly set in the order where an official steps in and requires some of the prior restrictions to be restored at least until a hearing date can be scheduled and held.

I agree 100% with this observation.  I think the courts generally presume that parents will be compliant with the court's instructions.  However, that doesn't reflect reality with BPD/NPD, who as we know resist boundaries, don't tend to be "rule followers," and oftentimes have difficulties following through with commitments, even simple ones.  Thus in my opinion, any parenting plan should include instructions about what happens when parents DON'T comply.  An example might be, if a parent doesn't provide 24 hours' advance notice about cancelling parenting time, that parenting time will be forfeited and not rescheduled.  Or, if a parent is more than 30 minutes late to pick up the child from school (or the exchange location), then that parent forfeits the parenting time.  Another scenario might be, if a parent cancels or otherwise forfeits more than 25% of parental time in a given calendar quarter, then it is deemed that the parenting schedule is too demanding, and an alternative, reduced schedule will come into effect (such as no overnights).  If parent can show that they can sustain the reduced schedule for two consecutive calendar quarters with less than 5% of missed parenting times or forfeits, then the regular schedule can be reinstated.

I imagine you know where your ex tends to "go off the rails," as ForeverDad wrote, when it pertains to your child's care and well-being.  You could think about the likely scenarios of non-compliance and get those factored into a parenting plan. 

[PeteWitsend]

Coming up with solutions for this is tough, given that the professionals involved (i.e. the judges and attorneys) assume the best about both parties, i.e. despite the differences between the ex-spouses, they each will comply in good faith with the court orders and put the kids' needs first.

adding BPD to the equation is like throwing a curve ball; and you can see that all the professionals are reluctant to acknowledge it because it's not something they're equipped to deal with or able to prevent. 

[ForeverDad]

If my memory serves me right, William Eddy in his handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder mentions that family courts start by presuming both parents are merely bickering and that given enough time they will calm down and come to a realization that it is better - to some extent - to work together.  It does not reflect the reality that some percentage of parents, reported to be 10-15%, have acting-out personality disorders that sabotage ever "working things out".  Combine that with court's history of (1) accepting they can't change people and thus (2) reluctance to deal with possible mental health issues.  No wonder our *PD cases take so long and are so distressing.