Anxiety mounts as contact nears

[wantmorepeace]

I took some time for myself and now I’m getting ready to reconnect with my sibling (ubpd).  I can’t believe how my anxiety has shot up — and now it’s gotten into a darned if you do, darned if you don’t thing. I’m
Anxious whatever I think of doing. Thinking a lot about NotWendy’s analogy of fearing the bear in the cave. I think I’m going to text and say I’d like to check in and ask to set a time to do that. But I won’t do anything until this anxiety subsides some!

[Pook075]

I took some time for myself and now I’m getting ready to reconnect with my sibling (ubpd).  I can’t believe how my anxiety has shot up — and now it’s gotten into a darned if you do, darned if you don’t thing. I’m
Anxious whatever I think of doing. Thinking a lot about NotWendy’s analogy of fearing the bear in the cave. I think I’m going to text and say I’d like to check in and ask to set a time to do that. But I won’t do anything until this anxiety subsides some!

What specifically are you anxious about?

I understand how you feel and I've been there, but still...try to answer the question.  This helped me get rid of the anxiety.

You might say, I'm worried about what my sibling might say or do.  I'm worried about what they might tell others.  I'm worried it will all be a disaster if I go through with this.

All valid points.  But not a single one of those things are within your control.  You can't prepare for them and you'll have to make a decision once you're there- do you try to work through it or leave? 

That's what you can control and what you can prepare for.  If it gets ugly, walk away.  Then it's not ugly anymore.  If your phone blows up, turn it off and go back to temporary no-contact.  Then that's not ugly anymore either.  Prepare for and focus on the parts that you can actually control.

Again, I completely understand since I spent too many years of my life doing the exact same thing.  Once I shifted my focus though and thought about what I'm actually in control of, how I'll handle things, it put the power back in my hands to accept or reject the abusive behavior.

[wantmorepeace]

This makes a lot of sense.  I think what I"m most afraid of is that she'll be angry and I'll get a million nasty texts, calls, emails.I'll lose it and won't be able to function -- and I have a job to do and people I don't want to worry about me.

And I'm afraid that she'll cry and be sad. 

[zachira]

Reconnecting can still be low contact. How do you plan to do so? Having a third party make the initial contact and with you if you intend to see her in person, could be safer and less stressful. People with BPD tend to behave better with other people whom they are not so invested in projecting their overwhelming emotions on.

I have a disordered sibling. I have a relative who helped set up a visit and went with me. It made a world of difference.

[wantmorepeace]

Oh, Zachira!  That's such a good idea.  My sibling lives several hours away and does not accept that she has any issue.  I also can't think of anybody who could play that role. If you have any alternative thoughts, I would welcome.

I do like keeping in mind that this doesn't have to mean going back to full-strength contact.  I was thinking of just texting and saying I'd like to check in and asking her if there is a time that would work for her.  What do you think?

[zachira]

A relative who lives far away contacted my disordered sibling to see when we could meet and then when he came to town, we went to see my sibling together.

Is there any person who could contact your sister even though that person lives far away from her just to get a feel for how it might go if you contacted your sister?

[CC43]

I think I’m going to text and say I’d like to check in and ask to set a time to do that. But I won’t do anything until this anxiety subsides some!

Hi there,

I totally get where you're coming from--just thinking about interacting with your pwBPD raises your anxiety level by an order of magnitude.  That suggests to me that maybe you need a little more time for no contact.  You could give yourself an excuse--you want to enjoy the summer, maybe the first one you've enjoyed in a long time.  If your sibling complains, there's your excuse:  you had a ton of fun this summer, and it flew by, you didn't realize how long it had been since you last spoke.

However, if you're determined to resume contact, my question is, do you need to rush into a one-on-one, live conversation?  Maybe you could start with something less intense--like a low-stakes text (Saw this and thought of you . . . hope you are well).  Maybe send a snapshot of a summer activity.  The hope is that she'll give it a thumbs up, and maybe share a similar picture herself.  I do that sort of thing with my siblings all the time--texting a snapshot of the beach, a weekend event, a critter in my yard--and they'll typically reply in a similar fashion.  How your sibling responds (in kind / with approval vs. a torrent of unrelated accusations and complaints vs. no response at all / blocking) will tell you if your sibling is ready for any sort of civil contact and reconciliation.  Think of it as dipping your toe into the water; if it's too cold, you can turn around and wait until it warms up a little, and then dip your toe in again.  How does that sound?

[CC43]

P.S.

I reread your post and wasn't sure if you were contemplating a phone call or meeting in person.  Since your sibling lives several hours away, I think I'd avoid any onerous travel requiring an "investment" of your time and money, because chances are, you might be disappointed.  I was thinking more in terms of a phone call.  My feeling is that you might have better luck meeting up with your sibling at a larger family event, such as a holiday dinner, where there will be a "buffer" of other people.  That way, your "investment" in travel won't be squandered if you and your sibling don't get along, because you will have spent time with your other relatives.  In addition, given the "buffer" of other people, chances are that your sibling will be on her best behavior--unless she is totally disordered and has meltdowns in front of the entire family.

If you were to meet in person, one-on-one, my suggestion would be to meet somewhere in the middle.  Why?  You won't be "invading" your sibling on "her turf."  You both make some effort to travel half way, making the reconciliation more "even."  If you are in a public place (a cafe, park, nail bar), chances are your sibling will be on her best behavior.  And you both have an easy exit if things go awry.  Does that make sense?  Maybe I'm weird, but I might propose an activity-based meet-up, as simple as a walk in a park.  I think there's something about walking side-by-side that makes the conversation flow a little easier, and it's OK to be silent for a while, too--there are all sorts of things to look at.  If the walk goes well, you can grab lunch or a coffee at a cafe, or make a little picnic.