Sudden onset? Sister w UBPD

[Year of the Goat]

Hi everyone. I have so much to work through concerning my sister with UBPD, but one big question sticks out for me. has anyone else had someone begin displaying serious BOD traits somewhat suddenly?  My sibling had some mood and anger issues, which she mostly directed only to our mother and her spouse, and she could crack under pressure/stress a bit, but we all had decent relationships with her. I would never have described her as someone with a personality disorder.

Around a major trauma that occurred in my family about 18 months ago, she began behaving in an extreme way that meets the criteria - spasms of attacking, hateful, hostile messages and calls; blame; rejecting or twisting all efforts to reconcile; spiraling and escalating, even when no one responds. She will send a message saying "I hate you. My life is so much better without you. Do not ever contact me again," and then a day or two later, she will start calling, and when the calls are not answered, more messages:  "What kind of family abandons a loved one like this? All I want is to be part of a loving family. Instead I have nothing. My life is worthless."  Lashing out indiscriminately, including at "innocent" family members who simply decline to take sides or _____-talk other family members. Absolute refusal or inability to acknowledge the impact of her words and actions or how they lead to consequences - and certainly no recognition of how she is hurting others.  Threats to expose private personal information to "destroy" family members' reputations, careers, and relationships, which she recently acted on by contacting total strangers and young family members with this information. Meanwhile, in other areas of her life, socially and work, she appears totally normal and even thriving.

It is horrifying. And it fits the criteria.  But where did it come from?  Could this have been hiding in her all this time?  Or it is something new that was triggered by the trauma, like a narcissistic collapse?  Has anyone else's BPD family member gone from being "normal" to this level of disorder?

[wantmorepeace]

Hello. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.  I have not had the experience of this coming on suddenly.  Wishing you lots of support and grace in navigating this.

[ForeverDad]

As you wrote, there was a major trauma about the time of her sudden rise of negative behaviors and push/pull incidents.  Triggers too can raise the level of discord suddenly higher.

In my case, I had been married for over a decade with only slowly increasing "episodes" or ragefests.  I thought having a child would make her happier. I was so clueless, having a baby changes a twosome relationship forever.  I already knew she had a horrible stepfather but it took me years to conclude that she no longer saw me as a husband but a father - you can guess to whom she compared me.  By that time our marriage was toasted and the divorce was even more complicated by the custody and parenting issues.

A typical suggestion here is that therapy is highly recommended, since her emotions with the family are so elevated.  A trusted therapist can potentially work wonders if only she would listen and apply the counsel in her perceptions and life.  That is an immense task for a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) since the unstable emotions, intense blaming and blame shifting are difficult to overcome.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm very glad that you found us.

There's some major clues if what you shared; starting with the hostility towards mom and her spouse in the past.  BPDs have a tendency to see things in black or white, good or bad.  If you're viewed as good, then you don't see the hostile side of them and you might describe them as kind, loving people.  But if you're seen as bad, then you might say that same person who used to be so nice is mean, spiteful, and full of hate.

Yet it's the same person.  The difference is how they view you and their tendency to think in absolutes.

For example, if we met and talked real for an hour or so, you'd learn some great things about me and some not great things.  You'd keep all that in perspective though and then form an overall opinion of me...not taking any one thing I said as what defines me.  As people, we're complicated, so it takes some processing to see the full picture.

The BPD in your life doesn't do that though.  To them, everyone is a fantastic, loving person until one thing happens that changes their mind.  Then, they are terrible, completely evil people who deserve the absolute worst in life.  There's no middle ground, no shades of grey....only the whitest white or the blackest black.  It's the foundation of the mental illness and the havoc that follows.

I said all of that to say your sister has not changed.  You're simply seeing the mental illnes for the first time because you're on the other side of the coin.  I hope that helps.

[Year of the Goat]

I said all of that to say your sister has not changed.  You're simply seeing the mental illnes for the first time because you're on the other side of the coin.  I hope that helps.

This makes sense. It may also be that she struggled with a manageable level of the typical symptoms before, but the trauma around this family tragedy was too much for her. Her hostility to my mom and her spouse prior to this was outside the realm of "normal" but still much less pervasive and extreme, and it would pass. This feels like a constant cycle that never lets up and only gets worse.  I didn't mention in the original post, but this is ALL of our interaction with her for 18 months. There have been no family gatherings, visits, regular conversations, or even attempts at these because all she seems to be able to do is attack and threaten, and there are children and older people that don't need to be exposed to that.

[Year of the Goat]

A typical suggestion here is that therapy is highly recommended, since her emotions with the family are so elevated.  A trusted therapist can potentially work wonders if only she would listen and apply the counsel in her perceptions and life.  That is an immense task for a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) since the unstable emotions, intense blaming and blame shifting are difficult to overcome.

Thanks. She has a therapist, and some family members have interacted with the therapist, but the therapist seems (almost bewilderingly) oblivious to how serious and abusive and concerning her behavior has been. She seems to approach her like a "regular" client.  It is incredibly frustrating.

[CC43]

My sibling had some mood and anger issues, which she mostly directed only to our mother and her spouse, and she could crack under pressure/stress a bit, but we all had decent relationships with her. . . . Around a major trauma that occurred in my family about 18 months ago, she began behaving in an extreme way.

Hi there,

Your post generates a couple of questions for me.  May I ask, how old is your sister?  Many people here see "full blown" BPD behaviors emerge in early adulthood.  I have some theories about why that might happen, but the main one is, in early adulthood, people start to face adult-level pressures and relationships, but if they don't have the emotional maturity to handle it, they struggle mightily with the transition.  My theory is that when pwBPD start to feel like they are "failing" at adulting, they really lash out.  Worse, if their outbursts are "rewarded," such as with attention, help, free housing, money, etc. from well-meaning family members or significant others, then basically the family system is set up to perpetuate this sort of dysfunctional behavior.  She learns that if she makes a huge fuss, she gets what she wants, and so she continues.  This actually becomes part of her "identity" as an emerging adult:  that she's the victim of endless slights and "traumas," and she lashes out with furious anger to remind you.  Further, it's like she never got the memo that adulthood is about being responsible for oneself.  She's convinced that everyone else is responsible for ruining her life.  Even if she's doing OK on paper, she's furious and extremely jealous of others, while at the same time being extremely demanding and needy.  Does that sound about right?

The other elements of your post that sound like BPD are (i) a history of moodiness and anger issues, (ii) intense preoccupation with feelings of "abandonment," and (iii) apparent lack of empathy for how others are hurt by the things she has said or done.

My other question is, what was the trauma that was supposedly the trigger?  I'm asking because the pwBPD in my life would describe all sorts of ordinary life events as "trauma."  By the way, I'm not the only one who put "trauma" in quotation marks--her therapist did the same exact thing!  That's because she would experience some ordinary things much more intensely than others:  the stress of moving, going away to college, having a fight with a family member or roommates, etc.  She characterized normal disagreements as "bullying."  Someone taking half a day to respond to her text was "abandonment."  And I think her telling of events was highly suspect.  At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but over time, I'd usually learn some details and discover that the fact patterns didn't line up.  Anyway, after reading these boards for a few months, I noticed that it's very common for pwBPD to describe several past relationships as "abusive," and yet many posters here wonder if that is really true, because the "abusive" person is typically the pwBPD herself.  Now, I'm not saying that I don't sympathize, because the pwBPD experience life as a seemingly unending series of traumas, even real-life traumas, which would be devastating.  And it would be self-protective to develop a fight-or-flight response as a result.  I guess I'm saying that if your sister feels traumatized, that's unfortunate, and she's probably having a fight-or-flight response right now.  "Flight" might be cutting you out or blocking you.  Fight is lashing out and accusing you of things, sometimes things that never even happened.

One other possibility came to mind here.  If your sibling did experience a significant trauma a while back, she might be self-medicating with illicit substances.  The pwBPD in my life did that, to get some respite from the pressure of early adulthood.  However, in her case, I think the substance use disorder made her BPD behaviors much, much worse.  If she had trouble with motivation and tolerating discomfort in the past, when using, that became a whole lot more difficult.  If she had trouble focusing because of intrusive thoughts in the past, with substance use disorder, her ability to focus was flushed down the toilet.  Accordingly, her young adult "functioning" became severely compromised, feeding her sense of inferiority and incompetence.  It became a pernicious, negative spiral.  I'm wondering if your sister might be experiencing something similar.

In sum, in the case of the pwBPD in my life, the BPD was "hiding" within her and started to emerge as she struggled to make the transition to adulthood.  A couple of negative experiences at college--not getting along with roommates, struggling academically, not really fitting in, trouble figuring out a major, not finding a boyfriend--drove her to use marijuana daily.  With that, she went down a very negative spiral.

[Year of the Goat]

CC43 - She is early 40s. She had some stumbling blocks and mild failure to launch earlier on, but at this point she is basically a functioning adult with a stable professional job.

The trauma was real and involved the sudden death of a family member.  It was an in-law who had a spouse and kids, so she was not the "center" of the impact, but she was heavily involved with this person, and it definitely traumatized her. Her behavior has been ever more confusing, egregious and hurtful because it is directed at the spouse and other family who were most affected by the loss, and who clearly need to prioritize the deceased's children and their own mental health. No regard for this, rather more rage that she is being "ostracized," when in fact her behavior has extended and amplified the pain, broken up the family, and stolen attention from the children who need it (who of course, she claims to love and is also enraged at being cut off from them due to her behavior).

I am not aware of any substance abuse issues.   

[CC43]

Hi there,

Thanks for the additional insights.  I am less familiar with later-stage "onset" of BPD behaviors.  However, I can attest that major events such as a death in the family can trigger outbursts.  If you read these boards on the topic, it becomes apparent that it is a theme.

Of course, everyone is different.  Some may internalize the reality of death and start to harbor negative thoughts about their own demise.  PwBPD tend to be emotionally intense, and thinking about death can trigger big feelings.  If your pwBPD was close to the deceased, then she might think she was abandoned, literally.  Yet in my family, the recent passing of a close family member triggered some BPD-like behaviors, but I think it was for a completely different reason.  In my family, I think it happened because attention was temporarily diverted away from the pwBPD traits.  There was some acting out, in a misguided attempt to reclaim attention, which was the opposite of what should have happened (i.e. show calm and loving support in a time of loss and struggle).  I think it was a poorly executed message of, "My needs aren't being met!  Attention needs to be on me!  You're not servicing me like I'm accustomed to!  How dare you profess to love someone else, I'm the one who deserves all your love!"  A death triggers in them their own feelings of abandonment, not necessarily by the deceased, but by the family mourning the deceased.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[ForeverDad]

Meanwhile, in other areas of her life, socially and work, she appears totally normal and even thriving.

It is typical the majority of the pwBPD's poor behaviors are in private scenarios such as behind closed doors, with close family, where they can let their hair down and let it all out to vent.

This is where Boundaries are invaluable.  Unfortunately, effective boundaries are not intuitive.  We naturally think, "You shouldn't do or say that" yet the pwBPD are known to resist normal boundaries.  So, instead, boundaries are for us.  For example, we focus on ourselves and our own reactions.  A very simplistic phrase is, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  In practice, that may be "If you rant or rage at me, I will hang up or leave."

Another skill to develop is to avoid logical approaches (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) when the other is being illogical, moody or dissociated.  Some logic may be effective later when the other is calmer and more rational.

These concepts and many others can be found on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

[Notwendy]

The trauma was real and involved the sudden death of a family member.  Her behavior has been ever more confusing, egregious and hurtful because it is directed at the spouse and other family who were most affected by the loss, and who clearly need to prioritize the deceased's children and their own mental health. No regard for this, rather more rage that she is being "ostracized," when in fact her behavior has extended and amplified the pain, broken up the family, and stolen attention from the children who need it (who of course, she claims to love and is also enraged at being cut off from them due to her behavior).

I am sorry for your loss of this family member.

My BPD mother's behaviors were extreme- but in context of my family of origin, and minimized, normalized. Also, she was enabled and my father did a lot of emotional caretaking and we kids did later as adults. She also was able to "hold it together" in social context.

My parents were in their elder years when father got ill and eventually passed away. BPD mother's behavior escalated and like your sister's it was the opposite of what we would have expected, what we think as "normal". While what we experienced in our FOO growing up may not have been "normal" behavior, we didn't know another example. As adults, we have seen the "normal" as people responding to such a situation by being empathetic and supportive.

Why is this apparent now?

As CC43 posted, the pwBPD is so overwhelmed by their own feelings, they don't see the situation from other people's perspective.

Karpman triange dynamics helped me to explain this better. This doesn't make the behavior acceptable, but it helped to understand why it is happening. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle.

My mother (and I think most people with BPD) see relationships from victim perspective. Other people are either rescuers or persecutors. A person can take on any role in the triangle.

The usual family dynamics had BPD mother in Victim position. Dad mostly in rescuer. Us kids as his co-enablers. When Dad got ill,the focus shifted to him, he was the one who needed help and caretaking.

BPD mother, also stressed by the situation (understandable) perceived this response as "taking away" the usual caretaking and attention from her. Her own emotional distress increased with the situation and less caretaking. PwBPD project their own emotional discomfort as coming from someone or something else. It isn't factual but in the moment, to a pwBPD feelings appear as facts. Dad - and also us kids- to her, were in persecutor position now, hurting her on purpose.

So, she lashed out. Instead of being supportive and empathetic, she lashed out. It was destructive.

For other people, having seen "normal" and expecting "normal", this behavior is shocking, confusing. It would be understandable that people pull away from the pwBPD for their own emotional protection. The pwBPD may see this as abandoning them. For you, it's seeing your family dynamics from an adult perspective.

This doesn't excuse the behavior. At these times, other people are quite emotionally distraught, and may need to have boundaries with it. You may need to do this too. However, I think if you can see this as a behavioral pattern, rather than personal, it may help you and your feelings.

Sadly, this is a hard situation for affected family members to reconcile, and it's too soon to know if that is even possible. At the moment, the affected family has more going on than anyone can manage. They are the ones dealing with a huge loss. Your sister isn't capable of being empathetic to them. This is going to go the way it possibly can and that may take some time.