A Stepmom's Dilemma: How do you rebuild trust without accountability?

[Uddermudder123]

I'm looking for some outside perspective because I'm feeling really conflicted.

A few weeks ago, my stepdaughter reached out to my stepson simply to reconnect after almost two years of little to no contact. Instead of a positive response, he lashed out at her with accusations about my husband (his father). It was completely unprovoked and incredibly hurtful. - See previous post.

Since then, though, he contacted her again and suggested they meet in person. They got together, just the two of them. According to my stepdaughter, there were no apologies, no accountability, and no discussion about why he had cut off his father, me, and even her for almost two years. It was as if none of it had happened.

She did tell him that his dad misses him, and he responded that he'd try to make more of an effort.

A few nights later, he FaceTimed my husband with both of the grandchildren. We hadn't seen the oldest—who will be three this fall—in almost two years, and it was the first time my husband had seen the newest grandson, who is about four months old.

During the call, my husband gently suggested that the two of them get together to talk, maybe over a barbecue at our house. Instead of responding to that invitation to reconnect one-on-one, my stepson said he'd bring the kids—which also means bringing his wife, who has BPD.

To me, it feels like avoidance. The real issues are still sitting there, untouched.

I know I should just be grateful that he's reached out again. I know that's what many people would say. But here's why I'm struggling.

This isn't the first time. Around this same time last year, he started reconnecting with my husband, only to ghost him again a few months later for no apparent reason. Then just recently, he made awful accusations about his dad that came completely out of nowhere.

So while everyone seems hopeful, I'm finding it very difficult to trust that this won't happen all over again.

I also know his wife struggles with BPD, and I genuinely have empathy for how difficult life at home may be for him. But empathy doesn't erase the pain that has been caused.

Watching what this has done to my husband over the last two years has been heartbreaking. The sadness, the rejection, constantly wondering what he did wrong—it has taken such a toll on him.

As for me, I don't trust my stepson anymore. I don't want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells or carefully filter every word in case his wife decides they're offended and we're cut off again. That's not a relationship to me. It feels performative and emotionally exhausting.

I've even told my husband that if they come over, I'm happy to make myself scarce. It's not because I'm trying to avoid anyone or create drama. It's because I'm not very good at pretending everything is fine when it isn't. Being fake isn't in my nature, and I'm afraid my discomfort would only make things more awkward.

Maybe that's my role as the stepmom. I'm close enough to see the damage this has done, but far enough removed that I'm looking at it differently than a biological parent might.

So I'm wondering...

Am I being too hard? Is my lack of trust unreasonable given the history? Or is it okay to protect my own emotional well-being while still supporting my husband if he chooses to rebuild a relationship with his son?  But then risk losing out on building a relationship with our grandsons?

I'd really appreciate hearing from others— How do you balance hope with protecting yourself from being hurt again?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

I totally understand why you'd want to step into the background and away from the potential disaster of a meet-up.  But it would be good to support your husband in his time of need.  Yes, if asked, he would probably say he needs you by his side even if the day doesn't go well.

I would caution you that it's very possible that his son will cancel between now and then, though of course it would actually be by his BPD wife's demands.  The impression we have here is that he's been trying to appease his wife, an impossible concept.  Let time reveal what happens.

Would your stepdaughter be there too?  She might keep things calmer or it might trigger his wife.  We're remote and can't discern how much of a good thing that might be.

If the visit does happen, whether at your home or in some neutral location (a park perhaps) do natural things families do... take photos of the kids, parents and grandparents.  Yes, even stepson's wife.  To lessen the risk of his wife's upset and/or control, let stepson use his dad's phone, or yours.  Or his sister can do so, if there too.  This way, once the day is over, the phone with many photos and clips of the grandkids will be in your hands, not locked away elsewhere as ransom at the whim of a volatile spouse.

As you can see, some advance strategy is quite helpful.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm a stepmom too, and I've felt many of the same feelings you're grappling with.  My situation is a little different, as the pwBPD in my life is my adult stepdaughter, and I married her dad after she had graduated from high school.  As a result, I probably feel as you do:  "Close enough to see the damage that has been done, but far enough removed that I'm looking at it differently than a biological parent might."  Just like you, I can't help but feel angry and resentful for the extensive relationship and financial damage my pwBPD has wrought in my family.  Basically, she has treated my husband and other stepkids like crap, and I think it's not right, let alone warranted.  I can't help but think that just because she has BPD, it's not an excuse to be so mean and spiteful.  It's complicated because at its core, the classic BPD coping mechanism is to blame others and refuse to take any responsibility.  It can be very difficult to maintain a loving relationship with someone like that, in my opinion.

Granted, I think my husband has enabled many of his daughter's dysfunctional behaviors, by shielding her from consequences, bailing her out countless times and giving her second, third, fourth and fifth chances at great financial and emotional costs.  And yes, in the past she has shown she can be nice for short periods, typically when she needs something from him, like money, co-signing or administrative or logistical support.  He's so desperate to have a relationship with her that he gives her almost everything she asks for, in the hopes that she'll be happy and grateful.  I think you know that his hopes are quickly dashed.  The second she gets the money or favor from him, she neglects to thank him, and instead cuts him out of her life again, typically after saying or writing something awful.

OK, I'm going to be blunt here.  There have been times I've hated and resented my BPD stepdaughter for what she has done--to herself, her dad, to me, to the family dynamic, to our finances.  She has never, ever, ever taken any accountability.  She hasn't talked to her siblings for YEARS, and you know how that can make holidays complicated.  Her sister's wedding is coming up, and it looks like she won't attend, further fracturing the family.  She hasn't talked to me or her dad for several months now.  Worse, she blames us for her messing up her life!  She has twisted facts and rewritten history into a convoluted victim narrative that is hard to fathom.  I get that that is a feature of BPD, but it's extremely hard to take.  I have been empathetic at times:  she's emotionally immature, she's overwhelmed, she's doing the best she can with the mental resources she has, she's living the life which she chooses, she can't control herself, she really doesn't mean what she says, etc. etc. but man, I've gotten tired of it.  It has been nearly a decade of dysfunction.  Oftentimes I've said to myself, ENOUGH.  She's not worth all the time I'm spending thinking about her.  If she doesn't attend the wedding, fine.  Less drama.  But I know her dad and sister will be crushed nonetheless.

But here's a lingering issue:  can my spouse love me if I don't love his kid exactly as she is?  I think that if he had to make a choice, he'd always put his kid first, no matter what, even if she hates his guts.  I guess I love him for that, and if I'm honest, I think his devotion is amazing, after all that's happened.  But that means he's basically putting me second, when I'm the one who's nice to him!  And if I try to enforce any boundaries, such as, I won't let her live with me in our house again, I think that would mean divorce for me.  Because he will always choose his kid over me.  I think he knows this, and so he does not seek my input about any parenting decision, not really.  And so, I'm stuck.  I don't want to get a divorce because of a BPD adult kid's behavior.  Ergo, the feelings of anger and resentment.

How does that leave things?  So far, I've tried to support my husband as much as possible.  Though I disagree with some of the parenting decisions (mostly around enablement of dysfunctional behaviors and sending her tons of money), I realize, it's his kid.  While I will give him some ideas from time to time, he generally doesn't welcome my input, because the topic of his BPD daughter is very upsetting to him, as he's living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  I have to be extremely careful and judicious about how I make suggestions, and always in a positive light, or he will completely shut down.  (Anything remotely negative or neutral/factual, and he assumes I'm criticizing his kid).  Nevertheless, eventually, my advice sometimes sinks in, and he'll practically regurgitate my words, believing that he thought of them himself.  In the scenario you describe, I might say:

"Your son is probably feeling overwhelmed right now, and like he doesn't measure up, which could be why he's avoiding you," or
"He can't apologize because he feels too ashamed.  Pretending like nothing happened is better than not having a relationship at all," or
"It would be wonderful if they came to visit, how can I help?"  Then I listen to what HE wants.

You mentioned the idea of making yourself scarce if your stepson and daughter-in-law came to visit.  I think I'd advise not to approach it that way, because it could sound like you don't want to see your stepson/DIL, which while true, could be interpreted as unsupportive of your husband.  I'd suggest flipping the script and making things about your husband.  Ask him how you can best support him.  You might say, "It's been a while since son has visited, how can I help?  Would you like some one-on-one time with him?  Would you like me to make a big dinner?  Would you like me to look after the kids while you go fishing?"  In other words, you help facilitate.  (I mention the one-on-one time because my husband has liked that, especially in a "reconnecting" moment, as opposed to a long visit or a family event, such as a birthday dinner.  In addition, if you make yourself busy with meal preparation or tending to grandkids, then you have less one-on-one time yourself with your stepson and DIL!)

I know, you feel like you're being fake, I've felt the same way sometimes too.  You fear that your son or DIL will find fault with you, something you do or say, and make baseless accusations.  But here's the thing:  you can't control their reactions.  All you can control is what you do.  In my opinion, if you support your husband, then that's what he'll see.  Even if he's upset by his son's rejection, he'll remember you tried your best to make him feel welcome and facilitate a visit.  After all, it's just a visit.  They aren't moving in, right?  If they asked to move in, then I'd have to think about that one.  Like I wrote earlier, I'm almost at the point where I wouldn't tolerate my BPD stepdaughter living with us again.  But I can handle a short visit, for my husband's benefit.  And I can tolerate whatever negative words his daughter invents, because I know exactly what she's doing:  inventing.  I can handle her criticisms because they are ridiculous, and I don't feel any guilt, as I have bent over backwards for her.  But her dad, in a FOG, can't handle her criticisms, which is what makes me mad . . .

[Uddermudder123]

Thank you both so much for sharing your experiences and advice.  We have since done a FaceTime with my stepson and grandsons. I was there to support my husband and remained cordial throughout.

Nothing was said or discussed about the cutoff or the past two years. It was almost as though everyone simply picked up where things had left off before the cut off—as if nothing had happened. There was this strange sense of performative normalcy, with a huge elephant in the room that everyone seemed to know was there, but no one acknowledged. I wouldn’t necessarily call it avoidance, because the conversation itself happened, but the major issue remained completely unspoken and unresolved.

What also struck me was that my daughter-in-law remained in the background, out of camera view, throughout the entire FaceTime and never said a word. Given everything that has happened over the past two years, that added another layer of awkwardness to the whole experience. It was almost as though we were being allowed this small window of contact with the boys, while the larger family situation remained completely untouched.

It was wonderful to see our almost-three-year-old grandson after two years, and to finally meet our new three-month-old grandson. But at the same time, it was heartbreaking. We always knew we had been missing out on milestones, birthdays, everyday moments, and the birth and first few months of our second grandson. But actually seeing them—seeing how much they’ve grown and realizing just how much time has passed—made that loss feel very real.

I honestly thought I would walk away from that FaceTime feeling better because we had finally seen them. Instead, I felt more sad than anything afterward. I think the reality of how much we have missed, and can never get back, really hit me.

For now, I have resolved to follow my husband’s lead and, as you have suggested, simply be there for him in whatever way I can. I don't want to make this about me or put additional pressure on him. But I also have to acknowledge that this situation takes its toll on me too even if I am just the step mom.

There is happiness in finally having some contact again, but there is also a tremendous amount of sadness and unresolved hurt underneath it all. I suppose both things can be true at the same time.

[CC43]

There is happiness in finally having some contact again, but there is also a tremendous amount of sadness and unresolved hurt underneath it all. I suppose both things can be true at the same time.

Indeed, right now I'm in a similar place.  Recently my husband approached me and asked if I thought he should reach out to his estranged BPD daughter, as it's been months since seeing her last (when he sold her car for her).  I suggested that he send a very short message along the lines of, "Hope you're enjoying the summer, thinking of you."  I cautioned not to expect any reply, but that sending a short message from time to time might help keep the lines of communication open.  He needs to be patient and wait until she's ready in my opinion.

Unsurprisingly, she didn't reply.  I'm sure he's hurt by that.  And yet, if she's not "ready" to reconnect, it's probably better if she keeps her distance, because a forced encounter would probably kindle the usual ill feelings.  By the same token, if she's able to survive independently, that represents some progress.  Like you stated, there are conflicting feelings all around.

What do I do here?  I try to be as upbeat as possible for my husband:  "It's nice you reached out; she can't accuse you of not communicating or not caring.  We figured she wouldn't reply, but the fact that she doesn't need you as much anymore, that's remarkable progress.  She's making a life for herself and having some success.  I know you're hurt, but this is about her journey.  This situation is just for now."

I think that when it comes to BPD, it can help to think in terms of baby steps.  A FaceTime is a baby step in my opinion.

[Pook075]

Nothing was said or discussed about the cutoff or the past two years.

I think the major underlying problem was the daughter in law lurking in the background, hearing what was said on both sides and waiting for "shots to be fired".  If your husband's son said something like, "I'm sorry we haven't talked, my wife didn't want me to reach out..."  Then he'd be in for major arguments over the next few days and arrive to the same conclusion he had before- it's easier if I just don't talk to my parents to make my wife happy.

Just know that he probably couldn't say anything about the situation because he was forbidden from it.

Where does that leave you?  Well, contact has been resumed.  Getting together has been discussed.  Those are very positive steps.

There's a BPD term which I personally hate, but its "flying monkeys".  These are the people in a BPDs life that get caught up in the daily drama and get told so much delusion over and over again, they believe it completely even though it makes zero sense.  This is especially true for spouses of BPDs because they want to keep the peace, raise the kids, etc...they just want to avoid the chaos and endless arguments.  So if she's said over and over that your husband was abusive, eventually his own son would believe it.  It's brainwashing basically and it's incredibly toxic.

If you ask for an apology, things are going to get ugly in a hurry because you're seen as the "bad people".  I know that's not fair and it's probably not true, but you essentially have two options here.  You can insist on being right and asking for an apology (which will lead to abusive responses and more no contact), or you can build on what happened on the recent calls and try to build a new relationship.

If this was about a distant cousin, I'd say to tell them off and be done with them.  But this isn't that simple with kids and grandkids.  So you have to decide what's more important- being proven right, or having a relationship.  You literally can't have both in this situation unless you build the relationship and opinions change over time.

[ForeverDad]

I think the major underlying problem was the daughter in law lurking in the background, hearing what was said on both sides and waiting for "shots to be fired".  If your husband's son said something like, "I'm sorry we haven't talked, my wife didn't want me to reach out..."  Then he'd be in for major arguments over the next few days and arrive to the same conclusion he had before- it's easier if I just don't talk to my parents to make my wife happy.

Just know that he probably couldn't say anything about the situation because he was forbidden from it.

Where does that leave you?  Well, contact has been resumed.  Getting together has been discussed.  Those are very positive steps.

That's my assessment too.  I had the impression the visit would be in person.  That it was only online says a lot.  But something is better than nothing.  Maybe next time...

If you ask for an apology, things are going to get ugly in a hurry because you're seen as the "bad people".  I know that's not fair and it's probably not true, but you essentially have two options here.  You can insist on being right and asking for an apology (which will lead to abusive responses and more no contact), or you can build on what happened on the recent calls and try to build a new relationship.

PwBPD are quick to demand repeated apologies but almost never grant them.  So it's best not to go there, so to speak.  Getting an apology might be a measure of Closure but Closure is generally only something you can Gift to yourself.