BPD sister in law - relationship with niece and what to tell daughter

[Ros1580]

It’s my first time posting here.
Over 10 years ago, my sister posted in this group asking for advice about our brother and what she suspected was his wife’s undiagnosed BPD. Before he met his wife, my sister, my parents, and I had a very close and loving relationship with him. We had always been a close family, and there had never been any real conflict like what followed after he met his wife. My sister has since passed away from a horrible accident and I’ve been trying to piece together some of the knowledge she gathered on the situation.

My brother met his wife and they married very quickly (5 months). Things changed remarkably quickly after they got together. Their faith also became an increasingly dominant part of their lives, and all six of their children have been homeschooled, so they have grown up in a very insulated family environment.

Some of the most noticeable changes in my brother were:

* He began accusing my parents of owing them extremely large amounts of money, which was not true.
* He became obsessed with the fact that he was not respected as the eldest son and that as a result he should also inherit everything (were not a wealthy family)
* He became increasingly hostile toward my parents and eventually stopped calling my mom “Mom,” saying she no longer deserved to be called his mother.
* We started being accused of rejecting his wife when we welcomed her with open arms
* He began repeatedly accusing me of being rude, disrespectful, selfish, and of not loving him or his wife, despite my trying to maintain a calm relationship.
* Many of the hobbies and interests he had always loved, including skiing, sports, and outdoor activities, disappeared.l because all of the sudden they were dangerous and evil
* Almost all of his friendships disappeared as well. He had many close friends before the relationship and eventually became estranged from virtually all of them.
* Blaming me for spending lots of time with my sisters young children after she passed away instead of his girls (this one blew my mind)
* Moving cities without telling us, changing phone numbers, not telling us about new daughters being born
* In summary they would only reach out when they needed something. Another example I was asked to not go to university so that I could take care of their children. When I said school was important to me they stopped speaking to me

Over the years, the relationship became emotionally abusive and increasingly centered around blame and impossible-to-meet expectations. We were repeatedly told that we didn’t do enough for them, didn’t visit enough, didn’t babysit enough, didn’t help enough, or didn’t care enough about the children. Yet there were also periods when our calls and emails went unanswered, or we were prevented from seeing the children. When we did try to visit, we were sometimes aggressively kicked out and subjected to more accusations, only to later be blamed for not making an effort.

We went through about 15 years of an on and off relationship where our whole family was trying hard to retain some level of contact. I have now been no-contact with my brother for over six years. This wasn’t because I stopped caring about him or his children. I eventually reached a point where the emotional abuse, constant accusations, and conflict were affecting my emotional wellbeing to the point that I couldn’t continue participating in the relationship.

I have accepted that I cannot have a relationship with my brother and his wife. And I stand by that. The part I am struggling with now is his oldest daughter, who has just turned 19 and what I will eventually tell my own young daughter about this family dynamic.


My first question is about a potential relationship with my niece.
A few weeks ago, I happened to see my niece for the first time in 7 years. I had always hoped that once she was an adult and was able to form her own opinions there would be a way for us to build a relationship. She’s the only one from my nieces I really got to know before things got too intense with my brother.
I could tell pretty quickly that her opinion of me was the same as my brothers and her moms she was just being very polite. And with the strong faith element, I could see she was not exposing herself to new world views and opinions even now that she’s in university. And for the first time I thought maybe trying to build a relationship with her given she loves her parents as she should and I have cut them out of my life may not be possible.

I sent her a thoughtful email afterward (I didn’t have an independent way of contacting her before) but I haven’t heard back. I don’t know whether she received it, whether her parents have seen it, or whether she simply doesn’t want contact. Her parents have historically been  known to read all emails and letters.
I am considering sending one more very low-pressure email in a few weeks simply to make sure she received the first one. If I don’t hear back, I may eventually send one final message acknowledging that I eventually chose no contact with her parents and that I am sorry that this also meant losing contact with her. I want her to know that I love her, that I never stopped caring about her, and that if she ever wants a relationship with me,l or needs something the door is open. Does this sound like a reasonable way to try to communicate with her? Anything I’m missing? Or is it basically unreasonable to try to build a relationship unless she reached out to me?


My second question and concern is my daughter. I recently had a baby, and I find myself thinking about what I will eventually tell her about all of this. She has cousins she will likely never meet and I don’t know how to explain the severity of the situation without going down to my brothers level and telling her horrible things about them.
But I also worry about the future. What happens if she meets these cousins when they are all adults and they have been taught that our family abandoned them, didn’t love them, or didn’t do enough for them? What if they program her against us? I secretly want them to never meet but I know that’s not fair. But I want to make sure she understands enough that she won’t get sucked into their twisted version of events if they meet one day.
Appreciate any perspectives so much!

[mendingway26]

Welcome, and I am sorry about everything this family has carried, especially losing your sister, who clearly tried to hold this together with a lot of wisdom.

On the niece, one more low pressure email sounds right. Keep it short, warm, and ask nothing, no reply needed, just a door left open. Something like a memory you shared with her, a simple wish for her studies, and your contact details. If her parents do screen her mail, a message that carries no accusations and no asks is the safest kind for her to receive. Then the timing and the choice stay hers, which is really all you can give an adult child in that environment.

On your own daughter, age appropriate honesty usually beats a big reveal later. At a young age it can be as simple as some grown ups in families stop talking for a while, and it is never a child's job to fix it. As she grows you can add layers, including that you kept the door open and protected the family peace at the same time.

The part where you accepted what you cannot change while still caring about them, that is the hard won part. Six years of no contact plus this much compassion for their children says you have not closed your heart, you have just stopped standing in the fire.

Wishing you steadiness.

[CC43]

Hi Ros,

That all sounds tragic and really hard to deal with.  I'm sorry about the loss of your dear sister, as well as the loss of a normal relationship with your brother.  That's a heavy burden to carry, even if you're not responsible.

It seems to me like you have a pretty good read into your brother's situation, even if you are currently estranged.  I suspect that your brother's BPD spouse is behind everything.  You see, it's a fairly typical for a pwBPD to try to isolate a spouse from other people, including family.  Why do they do this?  It's impossible to know for sure, but I think it's oftentimes rooted in deep insecurity about the relationship and extreme jealousy.  The pwBPD considers any outside friends or family as "stealing" attention, time, resources, etc. away from the pwBPD.  Basically, unless family members are providing tons of money, praise and/or free babysitting, they are considered rivals, potentially evil.  And the pwBPD will punish a spouse any time he talks about, contacts or fraternizes with other family members.

Your poor brother probably feels trapped--he has to isolate himself, in order to prevent backlash from his BPD wife and keep his home life together.  Over time, he might feel so isolated that he starts to loose his sense of self.  And his BPD wife is relentless, weaving narratives of how the family is abusive and won't give her the money and resources she thinks she's entitled to.  You see, entitlement and unrealistic expectations are typical of BPD.  When her needs aren't being met, she lashes out in intense anger.  A common BPD tactic is to punish others with estrangement, as well as by withholding access to children.  Meanwhile, she surveils your brother and controls his every move.  Eventually, he might actually start to believe her skewed narrative.  He's so beaten down by stress and strife that he can't even think straight.  On top of that, his BPD wife might have hijacked his computer or phone.  She might force him to send messages he doesn't really want to.  She might forbid him from seeing family.  It's possible your brother is subject to "house arrest," not allowed to leave the home unless it's to do his job.  He loses friends, hobbies, time for exercise, etc.  He doesn't have any healthy outlets, and his life becomes overwhelming.  He's probably not his usual self at all.

As for your niece, my guess is that's she's been hearing her mom's stories about how horrible you are for years now.  She's grown up thinking that her relatives are psycho, selfish, disrespectful and unloving.  She might be a little paranoid, wondering why on earth you are contacting her now.  I agree with the other poster, that if you do reach out, do not include any "ask" at first (not even confirmation of receipt), and do not be surprised if she doesn't respond.  I think if I were in your shoes, I'd start by reaching out with short, upbeat messages on key dates, such as a birthday or major holiday--nothing too frequent that might be considered harrassment.  One thing I do sometimes for younger relatives is send a little video clip by text which I think they could relate to (e.g. a happy birthday video clip featuring a dog or preferred hobby like skiing).  I've discovered that I tend to get a heart or thumbs up when I send a video clip, vs. nil response if I send plain text.  I guess I'm saying, I try to adapt to the preferred communication style of the person I'm trying to reach.

Over time, your niece might have a change of heart, seeing that you care enough to remember her and send her well wishes.  It's possible that the more distance she gets from her chaotic childhood home life, the more she'll consider reconnecting with other relatives.  I guess I'm impressed that your niece acted polite when she met you.  That indicates that she's not fully "committed" to estrangement from you.

As for your own daughter, I'd say it will be a long time before you have to worry about what to tell her about family.  While it might be sad not to know her uncle and cousins, think of the alternative:  that she has to spend a lot of time with them when they are so disordered.  A lot can happen between now and the time when she'll be old enough to hear about extended family.  I think you don't worry about that yet.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  The dynamic you're sharing does sound like BPD since there are many familiar patterns.  I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

For the neice, I would advise not to send another letter/email.  Why?  Becuase if mom and dad read it, they could wonder why she talked to you in the first place and she could suddenly find herself in your position.  With mental illness, there's always some forms of abuse (mental, verbal, physical) and the neice would know that mom or dad would react very badly to any form of contact with you.  

You're the enemy in their minds.  Their kid goes off to college and suddenly she just happens to run into the enemy and talk long enough to where you'd send her an email?  They're going to think, what did she really say to you, why is she doing this to their family, etc.  For the ugly stuff you've seen on the outside looking in, the nuclear family in that home has seen far worse, far more often.  The neice will be smart enough not to engage with you...not because she hates you, but out of fear of what's waiting at home once mom and dad find out.

For your daughter, the simple answer is the most honest.  You grew apart from your brother, their family keeps to themselves.  There's no need to get into anything else because it doesn't matter.  Lots of us have cousins that we've never actually met or only talked to a handful of times.  I've never even thought about why, and maybe your daughter won't either.