2nd Breakup and I'm Completely Destroyed

[hashbrown111822]

Hi everyone,

It feels surreal to be posting here again. These forums were a deep sense of comfort for me (30 F) two years ago, when I suffered my first breakup with my pwBPD (31 M). He initiated it that time. We spent two months apart before beginning to repair and go on dates again. I learned so much in that time, and we truly came back together stronger and more stable than before.

For context -- he is diagnosed and has been in therapy for 4 years. He's also an alcoholic in recovery and has been sober for 5 years. I met him sober. He does care about his recovery but often doesn't take it as seriously as (I feel) he should. For example, he hasn't worked the steps in years, and doesn't practice DBT anymore with his individual therapist.

Almost two months ago now, I ended things with him. I had just bought my first home, and to make a very long story short, he deeply took away from the joy of that experience. From raging insecurities, accusing me of just buying a house to "have power and authority over others," constant comparisons, tainting joyous occasions, complaints over "how far behind he is in his life" .... Each time he hurt me, I'd attempt to communicate my hurt and express my experience. I was told I was being overly critical and that he "couldn't do anything right." Finally, he texted me "I hate you." Never once since I met him 4+ years ago had he said that to me. I ended it.

The ensuing ~2 months has been nothing short of devastating. My body feels on fire with regret and pain. I've turned so many old moments over in my mind, recognizing my own contributions to the relationship (co-dependence, and realizing the extent to which my behavior mirrors that of my emotionally abusive mother) with an indescribably searing shame... causing this breakup to be significantly worse than the first. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've lost interest in all the things that make me happy, and I don't want to take care of myself. I'm emotionally exhausted, and the contrast of now having this house -- something that should be a proud achievement -- but no one to share it with, makes my entire life feel empty and pointless. I wish I was exaggerating, but this is the lowest I've felt since I was suicidal and depressed ~10 years ago. I am typically a very strong and driven person with a good sense of self/self-esteem/self respect. Now, I feel like I am utterly weak with no sense of self-respect at all. And I miss him more than I can say.

Add to that that my BPD ex and I have been speaking, but are in constant limbo. After a brief initial week of NC, I went to his place and we spoke briefly. He said he deeply regretted saying "I hate you," and that the ball is in my court, that he feels terrible I'm not his gf anymore. He asked if we could talk more in another week once he returned from a business trip. I said yes. He then suffered a serious relapse scare on his business trip, and was intensely dysregulated/in episodes for ~3 weeks. I saw him a few times but we didn't speak much in between and he didn't emotionally dump on me during that time. He's been feeling more normal now for the last ~2 weeks. We weren't able to have any conversations about our relationship until very recently, last Thursday. I apologized for much of my behavior and described new tools I'd found to work on myself, should he want to repair as I wanted to. He said that he hasn't had enough time to think about things, is still very confused, and doesn't know what to do.

Of the times we've seen each other during the breakup, he has always told me he loves me, he misses me, he misses our family (no kids, just pets). He misses being my best friend and laughing with me, he misses all the good things. He's maintained that he feels lonely and craves love and comfort. He says he's confused because he doesn't know if he can handle being in a relationship at this time (especially since he is very career focused), and he isn't trusting that anything could be different if we were to try again.

I saw him most recently on Monday, when we determined it was too difficult for us to see each other while he was still unsure of what he wanted. We agreed to take a week of space and check in this coming Monday.

I know I want repair, and I so desperately wish for another opportunity to do better. I'm also so in the throes of this limbo period that I don't know what's best for me, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle the potential different outcomes Monday could bring. I feel so devastated and barely able to function, yet (similar to last time) I see him happy to jump into his career and he seems, from a distance, totally fine now that he's regulated. He's even told me he's happy, aside from missing me.

I don't know how to manage how I'm feeling, or pour into myself at this time. Any advice would be so, so helpful. Thank you in advance.

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