Moved out and divorcing - doubting my version of reality

[Pluie]

Hi all,

As always, thanks for all the support I am receiving from the members of this board. I have a few updates since my last post.

I have contacted a different therapist, one specialised in cognitive-behavioural therapy. There is a waiting list, but I am eager to start.

I have accepted my friend's offer to stay longer at her place (at least until I find some stability). It is hard, as I feel extremely depleted and unable to focus on finding a better job. Two days ago, I packed and moved all my stuff away from the apartment my BPD/NPD husband and I used to share.

Something happened. Although I am a bit reluctant to share, I think it is better to just be open about it. I am not proud of this. While packing my stuff, I came across a journal he had started to write since my departure. I know it's not ethical, and I hope to explore this further once I start therapy...but I read it. What I found was way beyond what I could imagine. He referred to me as 'the burden he had to carry for 12 years'. He wrote that he didn't even know why he married me and stayed in the relationship for so long, as there is nothing good about me and I am an abuser. He wrote that he is looking forward to having sex with other people, falling in love again, moving to this new place, and finally being allowed to follow his dreams and ideals.

I was in shock and could do little more than cry and hyperventilate the whole day (luckily, I had taken a day off to focus on moving). How could he truly feel this way? Have I loved someone who has never loved me, who has never even been sure about why he asked me to marry him? Has all been a very long lie? I have my flaws, but god...'nothing good about me', for real?

I have spent the last weeks talking about this divorce, expressing my grief, my pain, the fact that I didn't want the divorce and that, even though his behaviour had taken a huge toll on my life, I still care, and I am even worried for him. I am heartbroken, but I thought I could at least cling to the idea that the love we shared was real, independently of the end of the marriage. Knowing that all this time all he could feel was happiness and relief to have me out of his life just...hurts like hell. I feel like I have lived in a different reality, and I cannot trust my own perceptions and feelings.

I know I have to make an effort, glue together what remains of my life, ask for help and go on, but it is such a devastating thing to know.   

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're having to handle so much change in a short time.  The rupture of a long-term relationship/marriage, moving homes/housing instability and unemployment are really stressful.  Any one of those events is a top-ten life stressor.  Dealing with them all at once is really, really tough.

I'm glad you're taking a little time to get your head straight.  Clearly you're overwhelmed by all this.  I think it would be a good idea to try to regain some sense of calm before plotting your next move.  Baby steps.  You don't have to figure out your entire life right now, just focus on the next few days or weeks.  One thing at a time.

As for what your ex wrote, that sounds an awful lot like BPD.  PwBPD tend to see things in terms of all black or all white.  In his mind, you probably went from the best person in the world to the most horrible person in the universe.  He's wanting to jump into a new relationship again, probably to find that favorite person again.  That he's not reflecting, not comfortable being with himself, not taking some time to recover from a ruptured relationship, but instead rushing towards the next shiny thing--it sounds impulsive, black-and-white to me.  It's as if he has to find someone else to make him happy, instead of finding happiness within himself.  It's like he has to make you a villian in order to make himself feel better.  In other words, BPD.  Though it's really tough, try not to take it too personally.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about violating you're former partner's privacy.  He's not your partner anymore, and he doesn't have to know about it.