BPD estranged mother dying

[stellaris]

So, it's been about two decades since my first post here, which came very shortly after the realization that my estranged mom had BPD.  Despite some attempts at reconciliation (by me) it never got much better. Since then...

I've had twenty years of a loving, supportive marriage with my beautiful wife.  We've raised an amazing young man who will be starting university next year.  We just had dinner for the first time with his GF of about 8 months.  She's sweet.

I've managed to develop a reasonable relationship with my older son from my first relationship.  He's very angry at me, as I separated from his mom and was absent most of his childhood.  It's difficult but the love is there.

Last time I saw BPDmom, several years ago now, she was starting to lose her marbles a bit.  I got a bit of closure, but by this point there was no relationship left to save.  I felt, and feel, more sorry for her more than anything, but I drew a boundary and stuck to it.

Evidently she's now at my slightly-less estranged sisters house and defecated on the couch.  I dunno what the care options are going to be - it's really my sisters problem.  I'm just - I dunno - I first went NC thirty years ago.  I gave up trying to fix it twenty years ago.  I remember clearly coming to the conclusion back then that she was going to die before anything changed, and that I had to accept that, grieve it, move on.  So now it's here, I guess not all the grieving has been done after all.  I'm OK with that, nothing to be done.  The rain rains.

And that, my friends, is where I am.

[Pook075]

That's really tough, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  But at the same time, you have exactly two options and they're the same options you've had for the past 20 years.  Remain no contact or reach out and try to reconcile.

For end of life care, there's many options and that's a different discussion entirely.  You can have those discussions with your sister directly, without having any involvement with mom.

Again, I'm very sorry you're in this position.  Of course it brings up old feelings.  There's no rulebook on how to process them.

[stellaris]

Thanks Pook - this is exactly what I'm contemplating - either leave it as it is or make one last, doomed-to-fail attempt to reconcile with her sliding into dementia - basically checkboxing "I did the right thing".  Thing is, I checked that box twenty years ago, sooo - not much point in checking it again.  I'm sad she never got to know her younger grandson but, given my older son just had an encounter with her saying needlessly hurtful things, (he's in his thirties, his choice) I think that was the right decision.  It sucks though.  Anyway, I'm really just - I dunno - venting isn't quite the right word.  Expressing my ongoing sadness at this.

Ref end-of-life talks with my sister - I can't actually have those.  She's the enmeshed GC and refuses to talk about anything to do with family history or anything uncomfortable at all.  "I don't want to talk about it," followed by a topic shift more violent than Operation Desert Storm.  We have an OK but not close relationship, that I expect will fade once her kids and mine are off to college or whatever.  That's a couple of years out.  My other sister is lost to drugs - not in the street addict sense, just in the "numbed out on meds" sense.  I miss the original version of both of them.

And - while I'm sharing, although it's not BPD.  My older son is very deeply angry with me over my absence in his youth.  It's on me, I accept that.  I've apologized so much he now gets angry when I do.  I had to draw a boundary there too.

I think I'm getting to the point of my life where I've been there, and done that.  I can handle this fine, I've handled much worse.  I suppose its the family dynamic version of a clogged toilet - no emergency, just unpleasant and unavoidable.

On the bright side, I can write a book called "Unclogging the Family Toilet - How to deal with _____ without getting smeared."   

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like you're again "Grieving a Loss" with the recurrence of family stresses.  Don't discount the benefit of seeking out local in person counseling to assist you in Accepting that "It is what it is."  There are various stages of Grieving  a Loss. A person can bounce around back and forth but eventually one hopes to settle on Acceptance.

On the bright side, I can write a book called "Unclogging the Family Toilet - How to deal with _____ without getting smeared."   

You're not the only one who has pondered authoring one's experiences with a pwBPD spouse or relative.  Matt was a prolific poster sharing his experiences, support and advice, over 14,000 posts over the years.  Years later he was able to look back without the distress at the time both he and his then-spouse were arrested overnight, not that he did anything wrong but it was policy to arrest both persons in a family dispute...

I thought about writing a book about my experience - 16 hours of hard time.  If I did, I think I would title it based on the most memorable quote from one of my [Indian heritage] cellmates:  "Yo white man you snoring!"  Good times, good times...

[Notwendy]

On grief-- and whether or not to "try one more time" for a connection.

I was not NC with my BPD mother. However, I had to have boundaries for myself when dealing with her behavior. Although I felt I had tried all I could with the relationship, and it didn't really change things, I realized, with both parents actually- that even though realistically her part of the relationship would not change- even if that was true, and I believe it was- on my part- there still was some hope, even though it was small, and likely wishful thinking on my part. Only once they were gone could that hope be gone too.

I am not the GC but being the closest geographically to where she was, I took the role of first call, and to be the one who kept up with her medical care and well being. I don't live close to where she was- and that was a boundary I maintained for my own emotional well being. Being an adult child who has experienced this dysfunction and behavior since childhood involves walking the line between protecting our own well being and also acting ethically for the well being of the elderly parent. It didn't mean doing every thing she wanted me to do. For her, the relationship demanded 100% obedience and compliance to fulfilling her needs. Inevitably, anyone would not succeed at that. It felt more like walking a tightrope at times, sometimes falling one way or another.

So, I had to shift to the idea of whatever I did- it was based on my own need to "feel I had tried" and my own values. This is individual and also different for each person's circumstances. You have a sister who has taken on the main role and that seems to be working in your family unit. In my family, geography determined that role. I also don't have sibling dysfunction so other aspects of this were shared.

Even with this kind of relationship, there's grief. It's an odd grief, and seems very different from the kind of grief that people who have had a "normal" (for lack of a better word) relationship with their mother experience. But it does exist and so if you feel grief, let yourself feel it. It can exist.

However, condolences from people who haven't experienced this kind of relationship were kind but didn't address it, because of the assumptions, assumptions we've faced from adults since we were children, that of course our mother is normal and this is a normal relationship. I also felt that people in her circle, if they were enmeshed, would judge me based on her version as this wasn't a typical situation, but a few people who knew the whole situation understood. I mention this because, your sister, in the GC role, may need to present herself as the "good child" and you as not- as a part of the disordered dynamics in the family. It's OK to let her take this on if she's holding on to this role.

I think we all wish for some resolution of the relationship for the better, but that may or may not happen. I think for your sake, consider what you need to do to feel you did what you felt was the best ( there's no right or wrong here) for you. If you feel you have done that- then you have. If you feel you need to try one more time, even if that doesn't change anything on your mother's part, then do that. We also aren't perfect. Perfection isn't the goal here. It's to feel we tried.

As to care options for your mother- if you are in the US, there's a learning curve with that as Medicare doesn't cover a lot of options. Elder care can be costly. Medicaid can assist if the person financially qualifies. If you are in the US, most areas have a Council on Aging that can give unbiased advice on resources. If you sister is in charge of all this, let her manage it but if you are going to be involved best to consult an elder law attorney about the laws, rules, and regulations on that.

The goal here is to do what you feel you need to do, so you can have some sense of peace with this, even if it's not exact,  maintain your own well being, and your responsibilities to your family for theirs. Self care includes emotions too. I worked with a counselor after my BPD mother passed. However you feel is what you feel. It's OK to have support with that.