I'm annoying myself

[Me88]

It's been a year and 8 months. That's a long time. I was on Spotify sending my friend an album and the app had a list of 'people you know'. Her account popped up, and it was a picture of her, I'm assuming a recent one as she looked a bit different. I truly have not seen her in almost two years. Now I'm all sad. It's pathetic.

I've never had this sort of reaction with any ex. For some reason I miss that awful person. I'm an idiot haha That's all.

[Pook075]

It's been almost 4 years for me, and I'm remarried in a fantastic relationship.  Yet from time to time, I'll still think of my ex over general life stuff and catch my mind wandering.   I think that's completely normal and I don't know if it ever fully goes away.

But yeah, I annoyed myself about an hour ago.  I thought of the dog I had before moving here...after the divorce/separation.  It was supposed to be a Husky but I think he was more wolf than anything- massive, massive dog that was over 6 feet tall on his rear legs.  My ex decided to pop by unannounced one day, let herself inside, and she met my new dog...who quickly threw his front paws on her shoulders and sent her tumbling to the ground.  He had no clue how powerful he was and he took her falling as a cue to pounce on her and howl.

I wasn't home for this but I've heard the story from dozens of others my ex told it to, and it always brings me immense pleasure since we were both huge dog lovers and my "puppy" was just playing.

[Rowdy]

Similar here. Been split now for approaching three years. I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half and in comparison it’s great, no stress or drama. My weekly headaches I’d get living with my wife have gone. I socialise more, have picked up new hobbies and can do what I like, when I want.

I just tend to struggle with how my ex is still with the idiot she is with. How she is messing her life up and can’t see it. It’s not because I want her back, I was deleting stuff on my phone the other week and came across a video I had covertly recorded of her and how she used to speak to me and it disgusted me, and made me wonder how I ever put up with it.

The problems I have at the moment are two fold. Like Pook, our lives are similar on many levels, there are the dogs. My ex would always be looking for a dog because one was never enough to fill that void. So we got our third dog just a few months before she monkey branched. To start with when she moved into a house on her own we shared the dogs, so half the time they would stay with her which was great for my own autonomy. As she was struggling to survive on her own she moved in with her new supply. She would still come round and walk the dogs, about three times a week. Late last year, they went out and got another two dogs. He already has two. She has not been round to see the dogs or walk them for 6 months. That annoys me. They meant everything to her but now, out of sight out of mind.

The second reason is her health. She is now a grandmother to our 3 month old grandson. But that hasn’t stopped the pair of them and their drinking and I’m quite certain their drug abuse. Even on the night our grandson was being born she was off her face on what ever substances they were on, asked our youngest son to go pick them up from a pub, and then asked our son to go and get class A drugs for a friend, before creating a scene in the street at 2am calling my son a drunk driver and accusing him of being on drugs while she was off her face causing him to ring me at 2:30am in distress at his mothers behaviour, and telling me he wanted to drive off a cliff.

she has got skin cancer that she had an op on her nose about a year ago. That op failed and it has apparently spread and she is riddled with skin cancer on her head neck and shoulders, but appears to be doing nothing about it and continues to go off on holidays abroad to hot countries to, in my sons words, top up her cancer.

Why does this concern me, well, I believe that first operation on her nose the surgeon will have noticed the damage inside it due to years of cocaine abuse. They will then refuse to operate again unless she is clean, likely drug testing her to see if she is. Why has nothing happened in a year, is she failing drug tests or just avoiding the situation altogether, I don’t know.

I just can’t get out of my head how nothing makes sense. I struggle to understand how her relationship has lasted nearly three years when its foundation was built on cocaine and alcohol abuse. She was sleeping with me behind his back for a year, and he knows it. It’s a relationship built on her betraying me, followed by a year of her betraying him. She’s told our kids basically that she is with him for his money, which I knew anyway as when his marriage was breaking up he was coming round my house and discussing with us, my wife, how he can keep his money away from his ex. He was a partner in a building firm which has been dissolved and he was taking half what the business was worth, being drip fed it every month, and she was telling the kids he had plenty of money. However, he wasn’t going to work for nearly three years as that money was coming in, but has recently started going to work so that is obviously drying up. The cheap Range Rover he bought her broke down to the point of being a write off, as I told her would happen a year ago when he bought it for her, so she has been driving around in my sons old car for months, which I paid half for. His ex wants half the house, but he has their 16 year old son living with him so won’t have to give her half the house until he is 18 but when the time comes it’s going to seriously affect his finances.

Then there is the fact she has been on the phone a couple of times to our son crying about my new girlfriend. Assaulted me when I went on a date 3 months after we split up. Would text me first thing every morning for the first year we split up. Bumped into my girlfriend in a supermarket and knew it was her even though has never met her, but she keeps cropping up on my girlfriends Facebook page and I’m not on Facebook so she has clearly been stalking my girlfriend. None of that makes sense, tells me she is actually over me or with the man she is with because she is in love with him. It just smacks of her being desperate when she was in a situation of financial debt and saw what she thought was an easy way out of it. It also synchronised with the timing of me pleading with her to stop buying coke, and giving her the choice of getting clean or running off with the guy that was selling it to her. So yes, I do still think about her and it makes me sad, because to me it seems she has just impulsively jumped into a situation that is destroying her life and will likely kill her, which will affect our children and grandchild.

[PeteWitsend]

It's been a year and 8 months. That's a long time. I was on Spotify sending my friend an album and the app had a list of 'people you know'. Her account popped up, and it was a picture of her, I'm assuming a recent one as she looked a bit different. I truly have not seen her in almost two years. Now I'm all sad. It's pathetic.

I've never had this sort of reaction with any ex. For some reason I miss that awful person. I'm an idiot haha That's all.

Do you have any bad memories of her?  Recordings of fights?  Texts or emails of her behavior?  Keep those around.  Whenever you feel nostalgic, and feel yourself slipping, look at the bad things and remind yourself how lucky you are to be free and away from that nonsense. 

[Me88]

Do you have any bad memories of her?  Recordings of fights?  Texts or emails of her behavior?  Keep those around.  Whenever you feel nostalgic, and feel yourself slipping, look at the bad things and remind yourself how lucky you are to be free and away from that nonsense. 

I do not. I was never one to record our fights. That's what she did, only my reactions of course. I would even tell her, 'why do I want to capture my partner at their worst?'. I deleted every single thing associated with her. I can see how it would help though. I know that I'm lucky, but it's been long enough to where I'm like 'was it that bad? maybe I was an aszhole. Did I really mess this up?'.....and I know that is a giant lie, but I'm so far removed from the craziness it doesn't seem 'that bad' anymore. Then to see a random picture of her looking happy and smiling, hair curled, nice outfit, her blue eyes. It crushed me for a bit yesterday. Truly don't know why she has that effect on me. I feel like such a loser hahaha

[wantmorepeace]

ITruly don't know why she has that effect on me. I feel like such a loser hahaha

If you're a loser, then so are a whole lot of us.  There is something about this condition that makes family and romantic partners put up with a whole lot of crap and still feel like we could have done better.  I'm not sure what it is.  I think in part it's that the stuff that happens is so unreal that we ourselves can't quite process it.  And I also think it's that it's not like this all the time.  Plus we know that they are sad and we feel for them.

[hotchip]

Maybe a helpful thing to explore is what are you grieving? Something I've learned is that these relationships, while deeply manipulative and unreal, have the potential to unlock something real in yourself - unrecognised needs, narratives, wants. Detaching from the awful behaviour of the Borderline is one thing, detaching from these narratives for another.

For eg, as I've posted before, part of the hook for me was a desire to feel special, and part of the struggle for detachment is accepting that I was not special in the relationship, but a placeholder used to temporarily fill the Borderline's bottomless needs. But also, the positive qualities latched onto are real, and they are a good way to identify what I see as loveable in myself.

[Me88]

Maybe a helpful thing to explore is what are you grieving? Something I've learned is that these relationships, while deeply manipulative and unreal, have the potential to unlock something real in yourself - unrecognised needs, narratives, wants. Detaching from the awful behaviour of the Borderline is one thing, detaching from these narratives for another.

For eg, as I've posted before, part of the hook for me was a desire to feel special, and part of the struggle for detachment is accepting that I was not special in the relationship, but a placeholder used to temporarily fill the Borderline's bottomless needs. But also, the positive qualities latched onto are real, and they are a good way to identify what I see as loveable in myself.

I’m not even actively grieving. Today was fine. Maybe I’m so far removed from any semblance of her existence, that when I see she’s still real, I go into “flight” mode. If anything, a need to be appreciated, wanted and useful? But then again I get that cup filled with work and family. I truly know if I didn’t exist a couple of people, my parents, possibly wouldn’t be alive still given their health issues, and my knowledge of healthcare given my job.

That my work service wouldn’t be as functional, have bad findings with the federal government. Everyone is replaceable but dang it if I’m not very valuable and leveraged to other hospitals across the nation. I’m “special” in that way.

With therapy, I think, given my mindset and personal goals…I’ve lived life in reverse. Most people look to build toward a home, job, cars, security, health, etc. but they usually end up starting a family and achieve those things a bit later in life.

For me, I wanted a wife and family first. Then to evolve into a full fledged adult. My ex was the only person I’ve dated in 38 years that made me feel like that was actually going to happen. Obviously not, given mirroring and all the nonsense. So maybe, the reminder of her just reminds me that I’m not where I want to be. That the main things that matter are out of reach, and the material things that were easy to achieve didn’t mean a thing as far as my personal happiness.

Plus my own personal weakness in realizing that when I see even a photo of her, that I just melt. As much as I “hate” her, I’m just like…I hope that lady is doing ok, actually taking therapy serious, off drugs, and respecting herself. She has so many good qualities that surface at times, but she’s so awful and broken. Which tricks me into thinking I could have “saved her” so, so, so dumb of me.

The more time that goes on, it seems I’m forgetting my education on this illness. I’ll never ever reach out to her. If she does, I’ll avoid at all costs. But I’ll still be sad. I don’t want to be sad, even if it’s very rarely.

Maybe I just need a big life change, a positive one. I’m on autopilot just living what everyone considers to be a wonderful existence.

[Under The Bridge]

Now I'm all sad. It's pathetic.  I've never had this sort of reaction with any ex. For some reason I miss that awful person. I'm an idiot haha That's all.

If missing her after nearly 2 years makes you an idiot then I dread to think what I am, as I still miss and think about my BPDex from 38 years ago

I didn't think about her that much for most of my life since our final breakup, but this past 5 year she really has come back into my mind big time. Maybe it's because I'm a lot older now and am thinking the 'what might have been' part of my past life. The fact she lives only 2 miles from me doesn't help either.

We'll never truly forget them because our relationship with them was unlike any other. The good times we did have with them can come back and trigger us at any time.. a memory, a song, etc.

Sadly, the human brain has no 'delete' option, just a 'file right at the back of the cabinet and try not to open the cabinet' option. It's the best we're going to get.

[PeteWitsend]

... Then to see a random picture of her looking happy and smiling, hair curled, nice outfit, her blue eyes. It crushed me for a bit yesterday. Truly don't know why she has that effect on me. I feel like such a loser hahaha

It's okay to feel physical desire for someone (it sounds like that's all this was for you, since you're talking about her appearance).  Just keep some mental perspective on why it wouldn't be what you're expecting it could be again.  Use your brain to keep your body in check, and don't beat yourself up about your feelings; consider why you're having them and realize we're all human, and you're not a loser for having them.

[wantmorepeace]

But I’ll still be sad. I don’t want to be sad, even if it’s very rarely.

Recently, I found myself despairing about how sad I was and a friend told me, "It's ok to be sad."  It got me thinking about all the awful realities people have to carry around with them.  I wish it wasn't that way but it is.  And it seems that just "accepting" that fact took some of the sadness away from me.  I'm less sad overall and I'm less sad about being sad.  I also know that grief doesn't leave you, but it does get less frequent (and sometimes less intense), and that's improvement, I'd say.

I sympathize and empathize and hope you can find a path forward.

[hotchip]

I truly know if I didn’t exist a couple of people, my parents, possibly wouldn’t be alive still given their health issues, and my knowledge of healthcare given my job.
...
I’m on autopilot just living what everyone considers to be a wonderful existence.

Me88, it sounds to me like you get a lot of your sense of self and validation from being wanted or needed or seen positively by other people. That's wonderful, because it's right to want to help other people and make their lives brighter, but it also creates a vulnerability. Borderlines are expert at telling us how acutely, truly, madly, deeply they "need" us, and then yanking this affirmation away in the most abrupt and violent fashion, leaving us traumatised and lost.

When you imagine a big positive life change, what comes to mind?

[Me88]

Me88, it sounds to me like you get a lot of your sense of self and validation from being wanted or needed or seen positively by other people. That's wonderful, because it's right to want to help other people and make their lives brighter, but it also creates a vulnerability. Borderlines are expert at telling us how acutely, truly, madly, deeply they "need" us, and then yanking this affirmation away in the most abrupt and violent fashion, leaving us traumatised and lost.

When you imagine a big positive life change, what comes to mind?

I don't care what strangers think of me, but I do like having a partner who likes and respects me. During the love bombing phase I couldn't do anything wrong, and the things she suddenly hated she 'liked' in the beginning.

The weird part is I've seen my ex before her out in public, didn't really have an impact other than 'ugh go the other way'. Two gfs ago, that one came by my house to see how I was doing and that was really weird but I just moved on and shook my head.

No clue what it is about this one. Maybe I'm just in a place in my life where I was wanting marriage and a family, and aside from her psychotic behavior, we really were great 'friends' who had tons in common (or it was mirroring). Who knows, I'm doing better now. I just hate how that just shocked my system like that from a freaken picture.

And a big change, I don't know. I truly have a wonderful and fulfilling life.