I just need to vent, to think things out loud away from family members. It's long, don't feel you need to read or respond. I have to vent to the "void".
The end of this month will be 1 year since my family lost my nephew to suicide, he was 17. Apart from the grief, it has thrown my family (which was
not doing well to begin with) into even more extreme turmoil.
My sister(I believe is undiagnosed BPD )
She lost a child. My sister had to be there when he died- twice. He was found, revived, spent a week in ICU then taken off life support. I cannot imagine her pain! I love her, I truly do. We were close. But I do not want a relationship with her at this time. I live in another state.
I went low contact after my nephew died- gradually kind of. I chose the absolute
worst time to what feels like abandon my sister. Logically I know it is best for me. I was not doing well at all, her messages (emotional venting/a couple angry attacks)made me nauseous and spiral for days on end. I was messing up at work, stressing out my spouse, dealing with grief. My guilt is intense but not enough to make me reach out. I feel frozen and afraid of her possible reactions.
But she (and others, not 100% blaming her at all) created such a chaotic, emotionally abusive & neglectful household that I believe it played a huge role in the mental health of my nephew. I learned a lot from his siblings after he passed about what went on in the house. We all failed him. We failed all the kids. I will point out they are all safe and not living there any longer, most are in therapy and doing well processing their grief. I am very proud of them. But- I wish I saw it before, I wish I was bolder. I am super avoidant when it comes to confrontation, anything to avoid a fight. Feels so stupid now.
My sister always gave me what I see now as a self-serving narrative that she believed to be true. I
always believed her, always validated her feelings, always said I was always there when she needed me. She texted me recently that she doesn't do any of this, it is all things people do to her. My whole family did what they could to help (I am sure you all can imagine all the chaos and us trying to help emotionally, financially, logistically, etc. to no avail) but it is never enough. We are simply not equipped.
So I have gone low contact, I can count on 2 hands how many times we have communicated via text in the last 12 months. She sees it as "tough love" attempt or something, and of course cruel. Understandably, I would be so confused if my sister suddenly stopped talking to me, stopped asking about me. A few times she texted to lash out and say hurtful things. Got one today- did not open it, archived it.
Maybe 2 times we spoke on the phone, each time being about 3-4 hours long.
Call #1 I felt I needed to support her through the grief, helped her think of funeral flowers, I paid for them (happily). That made me fall apart for a week at least.
Call #2, was manipulated for not reaching out for 2 weeks after funeral, felt forced to call, was hysterically crying and only told "I'm sorry you're not doing well"- then spent hours being talked at, made to feel awful by her and spouse, was interrogated on what everyone was saying, if cops were "out for them". It was a whole thing- nothing was actually happening, just standard CPS inquiry. Traumatic to say the least. Worst year of my life- I've had some doozies. Life is complicated, that is ok. I am optimistic and I persist.
I saw her 3 times- at his funeral (a blur), at his memorial (was awkward but we kept it calm), and last month at our father's birthday (more awkward, she got into a small argument with my other sibling and left after I spoke to her). I hugged her and said I was sorry for not reaching out, for isolating but I felt I needed to isolate. She glazed over it and starting talking about her issues with my other sibling, I guess I caught her at a bad time. I just stood there, scared to upset her further. Scared to make a scene at my Dad's party. She made a relatively small scene and left. Upsetting my Dad. He said never again to family dinners, he was so sad inside.
Sister/ex-spouse/kids were about to lose their home right before he passed. No one had a job, no one was looking. Now my sister is separated from her husband (for the best), with a new boyfriend, was living in an RV. At the same time my mother (who had a heart attack a few months ago from the stress/grief) was kicked out of her brother's home and she found a small apartment and let my sister and her boyfriend move in. I don't know him, he seems kind.
Now my mother has been calling me crying how she is depressed, sometimes suicidal and feels abused by my sister. You can imagine the chaos I am sure. My sister and her bf say they plan on moving out but it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon. I am afraid my mom will have another heart attack and die. She has limited income, no friends, no significant other (she has her own issues but she is not cruel or anything- just flighty and makes jump decisions that end not well for her). She can be emotionally manipulative when she's feeling a way but not on purpose- seems unintentional. I think bipolar 2 but not diagnosed. I try to lift her spirits, she is easy to talk to for me, I just sent her things for her bedroom for her birthday since she has nothing (her brother kept everything, except some clothes). I gave a few thousand loan to help her ( and I guess my sister too now). My mom always pays me back, I have no issue there.
-My other sibling (bipolar 1 diagnosed) is also very mentally unwell and in a manic phase, currently avoiding the whole family really. She is never cruel to me, she admits her less then favorable choices and mental illness issues.
-My dad is spent, totally and utterly spent. He gives money to both of them constantly, he has been sick for years, almost died 2 years ago, just had hip replacement, skin cancer, etc. He puts on a brave face- but I see his brokenness. Both my parents- broken, exhausted.
- The kids, doing so well considering. So incredibly proud of them. But so sad for them. I try to be positive, set a good example and reach out so often to check in and say I am thinking of them.
So, I am afraid for my mom, afraid of my sister, afraid for my other sibling, sad for my parents, sad for the children and
exhausted. Often on an emotional cliff and always worse after family contact. Most days I am ok, my life is pretty good. I work hard, have a great spouse, have a great work family, loving friends, everything I need. Today is a bad day. I apologize for the chaotic typing.
Why can't I fall apart, why can't I cause chaos, why can't I be the one who needs support?!
Of course, I am proud of how stable I am, I want to remain stable. But jeez, can't I mess up sometimes too? The expectations are too much, even if they are not much, I do not have the energy anymore. I have a decent relationship with everyone else. They seem to understand, they are all exhausted too.
I am
plagued with guilt and questions. "Should I try to reach out, should I apologize and validate her, (I know my act is seen by her as cruel- and honestly it is to some degree- absolutely!), should I "tell her how I feel"- I always stay silent, don't respond. Should I reach out on his death anniversary, will that be good or bad, cruel or kind? Should I reach out on birthdays, holidays? Should I cut all ties (impossible with family stuff though)? Should I try to tell her she has BPD and needs treatment, needs to stop drinking, etc"
I miss the family I had. I miss the people they were. I barely know them now. I dread “going home to visit”(love seeing the kids though). I want the best for everyone, I want them to enjoy their lives, to prosper, to feel safe and loved.
I love them so much.
I am praying for peace and comfort for everyone.
