Dissolution after 20-years to BPD spouse and feeling devastated

[Tiger72]

I have never done anything like this before but am really struggling and hoping someone out there maybe understands. Going through a dissolution after 20-year marriage to high functioning BPD spouse. I invested everything that I had - emotionally, financially, mentally and he was ready to move on after a three-month separation - just didn't want the broken relationship and family he created. Have a teenage son that we are co-parenting, so no-contact is not an option. It is amicable but the emotional pain is brutal and just feeling hopeless, angry, and just devastated. Can anyone out there relate and want to share?

[ForeverDad]

Yes, we can relate.  We've walked in your shoes... and come out the other side.

When BPD exists in a marriage, whether short or lengthy, the dysfunction puts immense stress on a relationship.  So many arriving here are hurt and are perplexed why all their efforts over so many years couldn't save the marriage.

Sometimes too we notice how quickly the other shifts into "moving on".  It is mystifying and feels unnatural to us but it is called Object Constancy and often associated with BPD perceptions.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder

[Tiger72]

Thank you so much. It helps to know that I am not alone and that there is at least sort of an "explanation" for why this can happen. It has been challenging just to talk about it in terms of a break-up or ending a long-term relationship/marriage because it is so much more than that with a BDP person. It is comforting to know that there are people out there who understand that, and have been through it <3

[ForeverDad]

I recall when I divorced years ago when our child was a preschooler that my lawyer told me "Courts love counseling!"  So not only do we encourage our members to take advantage of sessions with local counselors, such resources are invaluable for the kids too.

As much as you were impacted with a problematic spouse, your teenager surely was too, though perhaps in different ways.  Without having a normal home environment, he may not truly know what "normal" can and should be.  Even if counseling services are not easy to arrange - sometimes the other parent objects to giving permission* - at the least schools have counselors and they too can listen and provide guidance and helpful ideas.

* If your spouse does object to a minor seeing a counselor, courts will generally side with the parent seeking such services for the children.  As my lawyer said, "Courts love counseling!"

[brixton_b]

It has been challenging just to talk about it in terms of a break-up or ending a long-term relationship/marriage because it is so much more than that with a BDP person.

I relate to this so much. Finalized divorce from BPD spouse earlier this year after nearly 17 years of marriage, with a son who's now 10. It's coming up on 2 years since we separated, though that was the second (and final) time we separated. The last several years have been such a whirlwind/rollercoaster/whathaveyou, and it feels like so much more than the more typical divorce stories of just growing apart, or things getting stale, or no longer getting along. And now I'm forced to continue financially supporting someone who never supported me in any way, financially or emotionally, and it feels terrible.

I could write a book about my journey, but in many ways I've continued to enjoy a much better life since I've been able to name my experience as the abusive relationship that it was, and piece things back together to move forward in a much healthier direction.