Trying to Steady for What’s Next

[GreyRock]

I’m really struggling. Not for the now which is just bad because of my udxBPDH.  The after is not so bad but I have immense fear of unknown.  It is the through I am terrified of.

We have been married 30+ years, 4 kids. One at college, one in high school, other two have ft jobs, but one is still at home. My H has always been difficult, and mean on occasion, needs attention but as the years have progressed, he just seems to go more and more off the rails.

He is a legal professional which is some of the fear of the through (from married to divorced is what I call the through).

He makes a lot of money, I do not about 1/3 of what he does maybe a bit less.    He likes vacations a lot like 3-4 a year.  He buys nice cars (they look nicer than they are bc he buys used and gets a better deal but it has to be high end), etc.  Our bills are high bc he runs up CCs but never remembers and it’s hard to pay down. There are other large expenses and debts.  It causes me a great deal of stress.

I am responsible for the admin of paying the bills.  My check is always assigned some duty — right now college.  He often withholds his paycheck. He’ll hold it for the weekend and then come Monday or Tuesday it’s a pretend, hey did I forget?  Once or twice maybe, but multiple times in a row? 

He won’t talk about it. The last time I asked him via text about it so I could pay bills, he rage texted me back. We were dropping my son at college the next day and I just ignored and went to sleep and let all the bills be late.

There are some things going on at his office that have caused some delay so I understand but the expectation that I am responsible but not entitled to the information. He won’t discuss on the weekend but I told him that’s fine, but the weekend is when I have time and energy to pay bills so just lmk what’s going on so I can plan accordingly.

I’ve told him finances cause me stress.  Everything he knows he know weaponizes against me.

So about 10 days ago, he left some dishes in our family room. I don’t love it but I usually do a sweep in the morning to load the dishwasher of anything left before I run it. I didn’t this morning for some reason. TBH I might have been annoyed bc he leaves apple cores and fruit stickers and I find that particularly disrespectful that he feels someone else (me) should clean that up. But it may have been the day I had an appointment out of the house (I work from home) and just didn’t get to it.

Anyway, usually collapse after work so didn’t grab and he stays up hours later than I do so I expected (idk why) that the next morning he would have at least moved it to the kitchen (a lot of weaponized incompetence that can’t tell if dw is clean or dirty).  Instead it was still there but he had added to it.  I stuck to it and would not pick up. We would generally chat at night but just ignore the mess.  I want to avoid a fight and don’t want to play into his game. I simply do not have it in me anymore.

This goes on for over a week to the point he amassed something like 14 moldy glasses, 6 moldy coffee mugs, bowls with food remnants, open tin cans, garbage on the floor.

My oldest was coming for the weekend so I thought he would pick it up. Nope he instead tore apart my daughter’s room to replace the carpet and only half put things back and left the rest blocking the stairs and into the kitchen.

We spent the weekend walking around and with smelly dishes.

I feel absolutely absurd, childish and ridiculous typing this.

Come work week and he is off and I cleaned everything up til the house was pristine and bought some flowers for myself and split in a few rooms.

While I cleaned, I threw out some that was not salvageable, but the rest is thrown out as far as he knows bc I did not put any back.

He didn’t say a word last night but did not make a mess. 

He’s withholding his paycheck since last week and the general account is in arrears.  He used some money from my son’s college account to buy gas.  The check is dated last week and he will neither give to me (usual) or deposit.

It’s not even a joke as we have major expenses coming up and not even covering basics.

10 days of smelly dishes.  I videoed each day to show the increase and disgust really.

I feel completely off my rocker, it is distracting at work and I feel like I’m going to explode (physically implode really). If I didn’t still have kids to consider I would walk years ago.

He rages mostly at me and I’ve been afraid that if I wasn’t there, he would turn on kids. I’m so close but feel so uncertain and yet just can’t continue.

I don’t know my next step and I’m really afraid of taking it. Oh and like most BPD, I am completely isolated from family and have zero support system.

How can I get to through?  Why do I worry about his response and if he’ll be okay?  Especially when I don’t know if I will.

I’d like to get him to file first (I think he won’t and tries to push me so I’ll be the bad guy and the kids will blame me) but I’d like to really just offer a fair settlement and try to leverage his ego, his desire to keep our mess private, not open the firm books especially as they are tying to merge with another firm. But I’m afraid of walking away with nothing but a huge fight and a big bill.

I would really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.

[PeteWitsend]

...

I feel completely off my rocker, it is distracting at work and I feel like I’m going to explode (physically implode really). If I didn’t still have kids to consider I would walk years ago.

He rages mostly at me and I’ve been afraid that if I wasn’t there, he would turn on kids. I’m so close but feel so uncertain and yet just can’t continue.

I was in your shoes once upon a time.  It's awful.  It may also seem overwhelming to try to think of a way out, or even just a path forward, but if you start to break things down into smaller tasks, it gets easier. 

And just thinking and planning can provide mental relief from the situation.  I found that planning my way out, and doing small things helped me cope with the situation better and not get so emotionally wrapped up in the fights my now ex-wife would pick.

First of all, see if you can get into therapy.  Just having someone to talk to helps clear your head and make sense of the chaos.  BPDers love to muddy the waters around who is right, who said what, who is justified in being angry, who was wronged, etc. and if you're struggling to make sense of this stuff it can help to talk it out.

Second of all, see if you can scrape together $500 or so and visit an attorney for a private, confidential consultation on what the divorce process looks like and what the likely outcomes would be for you.  I did this, and I maintain it was the best money I ever spent. 

Once you have a legal roadmap of the path forward, you can identify other tasks and information you should start gathering.

Of course, you may also decide you don't want to leave, in which case that can also be helpful to underscore in your own mind that you need to find ways to co-exist with teh pwBPD better, instead of looking for a way out. 

I don’t know my next step and I’m really afraid of taking it. Oh and like most BPD, I am completely isolated from family and have zero support system.

How isolated are you?  Can you at least call and talk to them?  If you had to leave and go long distance, could you at least do that?

How can I get to through?  Why do I worry about his response and if he’ll be okay?  Especially when I don’t know if I will.

I’d like to get him to file first (I think he won’t and tries to push me so I’ll be the bad guy and the kids will blame me) but I’d like to really just offer a fair settlement and try to leverage his ego, his desire to keep our mess private, not open the firm books especially as they are tying to merge with another firm. But I’m afraid of walking away with nothing but a huge fight and a big bill.

I would really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.

Filing first often provides some legal advantages.  This is why you need to speak with an attorney.

Also, as an aside, his behavior with money is REALLY suspicious.  I think you also need to know what he's spending his money on and where it's going.  Speaking to an attorney could open the door to recommendations for a private investigator (although they are not cheap) who could collect evidence you could use in court. 

LASTLY: Keep all your preparations and notes on this confidential.  If you can have things sent to your work address, rather than home address, do that.  Or get a P.O. Box or something like that.