My question is: For those parents who pay for their young adults therapy, do you receive 'progress' reports from the therapist? Is your young adults therapist responsive to inquiries or parental input? Has your young adult signed a waiver giving their therapist ability to communicate? We have asked for the possibility of a joint therapy session to work on healing/repair - should that happen with their therapist or another family therapist?
Hi Redhorse,
Welcome to the group! Your story will resonate with that of many parents here, myself included. First off, I think there are some positives in your daughter's journey. She managed to hold down a job for more than two years! That's major, and it tells me she's high-functioning when she wants to be. Secondly, she has you as an extremely caring and supportive parent. My opinion is that you're probably her biggest ally in her treatment journey. Thirdly, she's getting some therapy. That's great.
Nevertheless, your daughter's situation has taken a turn for the worse. You suspect she's misusing marijuana. I'll tell you flat out that my BPD stepdaughter's dysfunction got way, way worse when she was self-medicating with marijuana. I'm pretty sure she thought it was helping her deal with her anxiety and emotional lability; but in reality, it sapped her motivation and made her scatterbrained. I'd say that marijuana noticeably reduced her verbal fluency, as well as led to deficits in executive function: trouble with starting tasks, focusing, planning, problem-solving, doing adult-level tasks. Worse, she started getting extremely paranoid. On the domestic front, her room was a mess, and she neglected her general health and hygiene. In my opinion, that was a reflection of her general mental state: chaotic, disordered, unhealthy. My advice? You do not allow any marijuana use in your home. You can't control what your daughter does outside the home, but she shouldn't use in your home in my humble opinion.
The other aspect of your story which is an orange flag is that your daughter appears to be avoiding adult life by taking refuge in your home. Let me guess, it started out as a taking a needed break, perhaps as a transitional living situation, as your daughter rested up, saved up and got back on her feet. But her daily habits quickly took a turn for the worse: sleeping most of the day, avoiding the family, not helping out, making a mess, being passive-aggressively angry, moody, negative, accusatory. Let me guess, your daughter has quit working on herself? She'll barely look for a job--only just enough so that you don't kick her out of the house? She'll put up a major fuss if you ask her to contribute, to do anything for the benefit of the family? She'll throw a conniption fit if you ask her about progress on the job/housing/financial front? She'll blame you for her problems, rehashing the same old stories from more than a decade ago? She'll have energy to do some things she wants to do from time to time, but otherwise, she's morose and unhelful? Her aura is a black cloud, and you're sick of it? She spends way, way more time rehashing the negative past than looking forward? If that sounds about right, it's because I've lived through it, multiple times in fact.
Now I'll turn to some of your questions concerning your daughter's therapy. In my adult BPD stepdaughter's case, she did permit her dad (my husband) to have access to her treatment information. I'm not sure if she did this intentionally, or whether she mistakenly assumed she'd have to share her health information with her dad because he was paying for the therapy. But setting that aside, I believe it has been a huge positive to include a supportive parent in the therapeutic process, not only for the financial support, but also to create a positive alliance with the therapist. I'm not saying my husband received regular reports from the therapist. Nevertheless, there were various critical junctures where conversations between the therapist and parent were helpful. Sometimes they'd be conversations initiated by the therapist, to get more insight into a situation (such as housing). And sometimes the conversation would be initiated by my husband, to report a major change or incident, share insights and strategize with the therapist. The point of the conversations was to have a reality check and discuss how best to support the pwBPD in coming days or weeks. Finally, there were a couple of occasions when my husband was invited to attend a therapy session or two with his daughter. I think those sessions were valuable in the treatment process.
You might wonder, when do the therapist and parent connect? An example might be when the patient skips a therapy session or two without notice or explanation. Another example might be when the patient seems to be on the brink or has a major episode. Generally, any major life change (e.g. leaving the parental home, starting a new job) might trigger a conversation.
There's a big caveat to all this. Your daughter needs to trust her therapist. If your daughter thinks you are meddling or sabotaging, then that trust could be broken. And my humble opinion is that "family" therapy probably won't help much. I'd say, if you need therapy, then you get your own therapist. As for your daughter's therapy, what has been proven to be effective is DBT or CBT, as opposed to traditional "talk" therapy.
Hope that perspective helps a little.
