Exhausted

[Tired1121]

I really don't even know how to start or know what to say. I found this forum because I desperately typed into Google, "what to do when you feel like you don't like your daughter who has BPD." I'm mentally drained. I don't feel like I have it in me to continue with her but at the same time I can't imagine putting her out. Her behavior is all over the place. She's 23. We've known about her being an "alcoholic" for a couple of years now. I'm realizing now that she's an addict... it's not just alcohol. She went to rehab 3 times i think. This last time she went through with moving into Sober Living just to get kicked out not even a week later because someone heard her huffing from a can of nitrous oxide. They searched her belongings and found the cans. I paid to get her back home with her promising she would never do it again bc it caused her to hallucinate. She's been back for about 6 months. Things have been up and down with her lying about drinking and stopping meetings. She was seeing a therapist by stopped after she got a job. She rarely leaves her room despite me constantly telling her she needs social interaction. Anyway, I recently learned she's been huffing nitrous oxide again. I found cans of various sizes... there were around 15 i think. I'm scared to death that she's going to kill herself or end up on the street (I have a homeless schizophrenic brother who we believe caused his schizophrenia through drug use). I was so desperate that I told her to please stop and I would get her THC gummies if she just has to have something. You can guess she's asked for a gummy each day since I gave into that.

Anytime I ask my daughter to do anything, no matter how small, she goes on a 21 questions rant expecting me to explain why for each question asked. She always has a way of making me out to be the bad person. Then, like clockwork, she'll come apologizing within a couole hours to the next day, at which time I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing to listen to actively listen to her.

I don't know what to do. My youngest daughter is also growing tired of this. My son tries to be there to support but he lives out of state and and try not to worry him. My youngest daughter and I basically do all housework while my oldest daughter sulks around all day when not working. I'm sick of walking on eggshells but don't see any other way. I'm terrified that I'll lose her altogether.

I apologize for the stream-of-conscious writing. I'm usually much more coherent. I'm just tired... mine, body, and soul.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders