I think she doesn't actually want things to improve.

[Cipher13]

I am testing a new theory that my wife actually doesn't want anything between us to improve. I have a few examples that have lead me to this thought. Last night I went to counseling appointment. I have been going to this particular person for about 4 sessions now. I have realized after every single session (not just this particular counselor) she would get angry and upset with me for not coming out of the session completely fixed of all my "wrong doings". That alone wasn't what caused me to think she doesn't want our situation to improve. What did it was when I suggested we take some time to sit down with each other and talk about specific things both of us can do to provide better means for intimacy. We could discuss times and methods we both would like and not like. Also build on out communication. She thought it was a completely stupid idea and that I should just already know all that and that's why I am going to a counselor. I explained that primarily the main issue she has complained I lack the most in. But to sit down and talk about it is not going to happen.

So in other words I go to a counselor to work on improving our relationship and provide me with some further insight in making things better she said that is a completely idiotic idea. I'm at a loss.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cipher13, It's a one-way street, my friend.  In my view, she wants you to see a T to "fix" your issues, but is unwilling to work on her end of things because that would entail taking responsibility for her role in your r/s, which is unlikely to happen.  If she admits to her flaws, that is tantamount to painting herself black in her all-or-nothing thinking, so it's unlikely to happen.  All you can do, I suggest, is to work on regaining your confidence and self-esteem through boundaries and disengagement.  Waiting for her to participate is a lonely vigil.

LuckyJim

[sweetheart]

Hi,

It is important to be aware that in the absence of any therapy over a sustained period of time for your wife, no significant changes are likely to take place for her.
Your therapy is space for you to talk about you and explore ways of improving your life for you. A positive side effect from this is that this might help you reduce the conflict in your relationship.
Perhaps try validating your wife's frustration at how slow the process feels for her, whilst reminding her, perhaps using a SET format that therapy is a long slow process and leave it at that.

[formflier]

It is important to be aware that in the absence of any therapy over a sustained period of time for your wife, no significant changes are likely to take place for her.
 

Hey... .I generally agree with Sweetheart... .but want to offer a small tweak, that perhaps could have a big impact for Cipher and others.

With Cipher13 in therapy and bpdfamily, there is a large chance that he may be able to make big changes in his life and his "input" to the relationship.  He alone can change the "relationship" dynamic, without "fixing" or "changing" his wife one bit.  In other words... .she doesn't have to agree or be involved.

Very likely she will NOT like this process

So... while Cipher13's wife may not willingly change her outlook on life, Cipher or the relationship, Cipher CAN change his relationship for the better.

Exactly how much better will be a matter of trial and error.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

So... while Cipher13's wife may not willingly change her outlook on life, Cipher or the relationship, Cipher CAN change his relationship for the better.
Exactly how much better will be a matter of trial and error.

Agree, FF.  You could say that it gets back to the Serenity Prayer and what one has the power to change.  LJ

[Wrongturn1]

Yeah, Cipher, I would say that your assessment is likely correct.  People with BPD crave control in relationships, and if you were to actually resolve the "communication problems" that she says you have, it would be one less thing for her to hold against you, guilt trip you, and make demands about.  She would not want her sense of control over you to be eroded.

Also, if your side of the street is perfectly clean, so to speak, and you still have problems in the relationship, the only logical possibility remaining would be that your wife is the problem, which she would never want to acknowledge or even consider.

[Grey Kitty]

I wouldn't quite say she doesn't want things to improve; I think she wants things to be "better" like most people would in a relationship with a lot of conflict.

That said, what is the pattern between the two of you? She gets upset over something. She takes it out on you like you are an emotional punching bag. (What she says to you probably is distorted and not quite relevant, and not possible for you to fix, or if you did fix it, it would be very very much to your detriment!) You apologize and come back for more.

Bluntly, this "works" for her. She gets upset. She takes it out on you. She then gets over being upset.

So she has little motivation to change it. Even if it isn't particularly healthy or good for her.


The only way I've seen this kind of thing change is when you lead the change by enforcing boundaries and not letting her use you as an emotional punching bag.

And no, she won't like any of that one bit. In fact, she will turn the abuse and the crazy up to 11 in response to that kind of change on your part!