Realizing you’ll never have a normal relationship.

[mssalty]

Somehow a conversation (one of hundreds the past several years) trying to help my PWBPD issue turned into a chance to comment on my failures.   I made the mistake of speaking honestly about how I felt and my SO took it as me blaming them for everything wrong in my life and then went on to attack me for the failures and talking about how awful I was for even including them in any comment about them. 

I realized too late, as I sometimes do that I made the fatal mistake of being open and honest, something my BWBPD can do anytime they want, but I can only do if it is about something or someone they don’t care about or share identical feelings about.   

So I’m painted black and sitting here thinking about all the hours I’ve bent over backward doing things for them that are apparently my duties as a partner but realizing I’m allowed to have no expectations.   

I’m supposed to be what they need when they need it. My existence is secondary. 

And feeling incredibly alone, that hurts.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PeteWitsend]

Somehow a conversation (one of hundreds the past several years) trying to help my PWBPD issue turned into a chance to comment on my failures.   I made the mistake of speaking honestly about how I felt and my SO took it as me blaming them for everything wrong in my life and then went on to attack me for the failures and talking about how awful I was for even including them in any comment about them. 

I realized too late, as I sometimes do that I made the fatal mistake of being open and honest, something my BWBPD can do anytime they want, but I can only do if it is about something or someone they don’t care about or share identical feelings about.   

So I’m painted black and sitting here thinking about all the hours I’ve bent over backward doing things for them that are apparently my duties as a partner but realizing I’m allowed to have no expectations.   

I’m supposed to be what they need when they need it. My existence is secondary. 

And feeling incredibly alone, that hurts.   

Sounds like you're arriving at that point in the road where there's no more hope of change or normalcy, and you need to decide how you'll handle this going forward. 

Is your PWBPD diagnosed?  It sounds like you've been aware of the fact that they had a BD for a while, but just now coming to grips with the fact that behavioral disorders are very real and very unlikely to change.

For me, I sort of came upon it the opposite way, where I had tried MC with my then-wife twice, and had tried to accommodate her requests and demands, only to be met with more demands, which were often inconsistent with what she claimed was what initially upset her.  I was really perplexed, because all the advice I read about being a good partner, and resolving conflicts within a marriage, when followed just lead me in circles.  It seemed like she was hell bent on creating conflict for its own sake, and yet when I read about things, went to counseling with her, and eventually counseling for myself, the answers I would receive were unhelpfully along the lines of "No, people don't just act like that, you must not be really listening to her."

Learning about BPD - whether or not that's what she was, or some combination of BPD, NPD, and ASPD - helped me make sense of the situation for the first time.  I had already more or less accepted the situation was hopeless, and now I could understand why. 

I think for you, some radical acceptance could help you see the path forward, namely accepting that this is what your partner is like, and this is how they will always behave.  Knowing that, what do you plan to do about it?  Consider your options, and the paths forward with each. 

For me, taking some actions, even if the went nowhere in the short term, helped me deal with the hopelessness of the situation.  In my case, I decided to end it, but it was hard because we had a kid together, and owned a home that she could not afford to keep on her own.  Just planning and thinking of how to unwind all this and separate successfully provided a mental escape and relief for  me.  As did some of the steps I took: getting my own checking account for emergency funds, getting a storage unit to start moving personal belongings into, etc.   

[Under The Bridge]

I’m supposed to be what they need when they need it.

..and there lies the true problem because they don't know what they need from one minute to the next so how can we ever be able to anticipate to try and calm the waters?. We can't. Ever. We never know what particular script is about to be played until they're well into it. Like PeteWitsend, I also had the feeling at times that they were creating drama purely for the hell of it and knw what they were doing a lot of the time.

I also found speaking honestly usually just served to confirm their beliefs that they were always in the right and everything was my problem. Any slighty admission or honest confession to a BPD is taken as you admitting every crime under the sun and perfectly feeds their 'I am always the victim' thinking.

I realised after 4 years that nothing I could ever do was going to bring about change and it came down to the simple question 'Do I want this to be the rest of my life?'  My worsening nerves and physical health said 'No'.

I should say that my exBPD would never admit anything was wrong with her and would never have gone to any sort of counselling or sought any treatment.

[ForeverDad]

Hello, dear friend. You arrived here just a few years after I did - and I've been here a long, long time, too long probably.  That you're still together after all these years is a commendable effort on your part but with few rewards.

May I ask what has kept you both together over the years?  Sometimes having children together impels us to feel we must stay together "for the sake of the children".  Is that a factor in your life?  I guess what I'm asking is why you've not chosen a better outcome.

Reminds me of old Proverbs: "A quarrelsome wife is like a constantly leaking roof on a rainy day." and "Better to dwell in the wilderness than with a quarrelsome and irritable wife." - 21:9; 21:19; 25:24; 27:15

Millennia ago we didn't have today's mental health descriptions for such patterns of behavior.  These patterns have existed over the centuries, though with the recent breakdown of societal norms, these days it seems to be much more common than before.

We're here on the Bettering board, so my question is whether you have decided you can't go on suffering like this or are considering whether to continue limping along in an unequal relationship?  It's obvious the other will not improve their disparaging and disrespectful behavior patterns otherwise you would have seen it years ago.

I'm not sure how much more we have to say as new suggestions that we haven't said before.  Please let us know if you have come to Accept there is no more you can do (reference is to the many stages of Grieving a Loss) and need to choose another path to improve your life.

Let me tell you a story... In my youth I many times visited an old man who lived a mile from my home.  Though I quoted many citations from the Scriptures, he was sunk low into feeling there was no hope for him.  By the time I left, he would have come around to feeling much better.  Sadly, on my later visits he would have reverted to the same level of hopelessness, over and over.  (I never knew what he finally did with his remaining years since I thereafter moved to Brooklyn and continued a couple decades of religious volunteer work.)  That said, dear friend, I don't want this feeling of despair to continue to be your lot in life.