After 12 Baffling Years of Marriage, Could This Be the Answer?

[GrumpyHusband]

I love my wife.  She is sweet, intelligent, beautiful, and loyal.  We have been married for 12 years, and have been in counseling for about 9, on and off.  But the last year in particular has been a living hell for both of us.  Last week our therapist recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells to me (alone) and it has blown my mind.  My confusion has lessened, but it's not gone.

1)  When I go through the diagnostic checklist as dispassionately as possible, she scores about 8 or 9 hits.  12 is cause for concern, 16 is grave.
2)  Some of the symptoms are spot on (sudden violent anger).  But some seem to be the exact opposite (doesn't seem to be afraid to walk away, potential divorce has been brought up many times recently).
3)  How can I know if she really has a problem?  Maybe it really is me, like she says?  Or both of us?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to learning more.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GrumpyHusband]

To elaborate a little more on what has been going on:  My wife constantly accuses me of psychological abuse.  She has a number of interconnected themes that she dwells on that make up a rather complex and oftentimes totally irrational story about how I marginalize her, insult her, fail to support her, hate her, etc.  One of the overarching themes is her employment.  Since we have been married she has had at least 12 jobs, never for more than a year, always quitting because of various slights against her at work.  Now, my wife did not grow up in the U.S. and speaks English with an accent (she also has several professional degrees and certifications, and she is very good at what she does).  I believe her that she has experienced some very unpleasant and toxic coworkers.  My suggestion has always been to learn how to coexist with these people, since you will find them in any job and they cannot always be avoided.  In short, this has led to her belief that my sense of her worth is tied to her employment:  if she has a job, I love her and treat her well, if she is unemployed I mistreat her.  This is an article of faith for her now, and nothing I do or say can seem to overcome it.  In fact, she has repeated this so much I almost believe it myself.  Is it true that subconsciously I really don't value or love her?  Can she see my feelings better than I can myself?  It is a source of confusion for me.

...more to come...

[CC43]

Hi Grumpy,

Welcome to the group, I'm glad you found us.  That your therapist and you suspect BPD is likely for a very good reason.  Though BPD is on a spectrum, many of its themes are predictable:  the erratic emotions, seeing things in black or white, feeling slighted at every turn, the seemingly endless traumas, the fear of abandonment, the low self-esteem and plaguing self-doubt.  Some associated behaviors are typical here:  sudden, angry outbursts that seem unwarranted and/or over-the-top, impulsive quitting (jobs, relationships), volatile relationships (estrangement from family, loss of close friends, interpersonal conflict at the workplace), and assuming ill intent in others, bordering on paranoia.  Sometimes I think it comes down to having very thin skin (figuratively of course), which means she feels everything intensely, and she also has trouble healing from her wounds.  She has a tendency to dredge up ancient grievances, picking at her scabs over and over again, rather than deal with the present.  She has difficulty controling her emotions, which really shows up in important relationships, and often in her work.  I think that's because she experiences life as an endless series of traumas, and so she has a trauma-based, fight-or-flight response to ordinary situations.  Does all that ring any bells?  I think it's classic BPD, even if your wife is probably high functioning, given her certifications and professional stature.

One thing that stands out in your post is your mention of things getting worse in the last year, making your life a living hell.  I'm wondering, what do you think might have changed?  In my experience, big changes and/or increased stress in general can be a BPD trigger.  Granted, a period of unemployment can be stressful for anyone, if only for the uncertainty and lack of a structured routine, not to mention the loss of income and lack of "purpose."  By the same token, jobs can be stressful, too.  Maybe your wife's job was too demanding, and she felt incapable and insecure?  Or maybe there were other changes, such as a sibling having a first child, and she feels insanely jealous?  Or maybe a sickness or death of someone close to her?  Or a move; maybe her parents sold her childhood home, and she feels "abandoned," even if you or I wouldn't bat an eyelash over that?

Anyway, one thing I've noticed with BPD is that oftentimes, accusations--especially baseless accusations--are really projections about their own insecurities.  That's because they are ruminating so much about something, that it's always top of mind, and so that theme emerges as projection when they engage with you when emotions are running high.  If you listen for the feelings behind what your wife is saying, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of what is really bothering her.  I can't help but notice that she's accusing you of not loving her and being "abusive" when she doesn't have a job.  To me, that might be code for, "I feel worthless when I'm not working, I'm useless and a failure, I don't even know who I am anymore, I'm unloveable."  What I see are themes of deep insecurity.  What you could do is reassure her.

It may be that your wife's job or hours are just too stressful, because she spends so much mental energy thinking about supposedly "toxic" coworkers instead of focusing on doing her job.  I agree with you that there are difficult coworkers everywhere, but unless they report to you, there's probably little you can do about them, and the best course of action is to focus and be professional at all times.  Yet your wife just might not be able to handle this.  Maybe she needs fewer hours, or to work on smaller teams, or maybe as an individual contributor?  I find that pwBPD typically need extra downtime, because the stress (and insecurity) they feel in a work situation is super-sized.

Having written that, no matter how much you want to help, you can't control or cure BPD.  That's in your wife's hands.  The only person you control is you, and how you respond to your wife's behavior.  I'd say, if your wife's meanness and accusations are stressing you out and riling you up, you need to take a break.  You can say as much, "This is stressing me out, I need to get some air."  That way, you give yourself a break to calm down, while at the same time, you give your wife extra time and space to get control of her emotions.  In addition, here we recommend not to JADE, short for justify, argue, defend and explain, when your wife is in a state of emotional distress.  That's because JADEing deals with facts, while your wife's currency is emotions.  When she's raging mad, she can't process anything you have to say anyway.  You wait until she's calm to bring up any facts, OK?

Again, welcome, there are many members here with experience and ideas.