Struggling to stay positive

[PlanB]

I am trying so hard to stay positive. But when a trigger button is pushed it’s so hard to activate those positive skills. My mind goes to the worst, I become very sad, waiting for the other shoe to drop and start going down the rabbit holes.
My elderly mother who has Multiple personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder and Narcissistic personality disorder, told me she has an appointment tomorrow. Now I am her caregiver and usually go with her to medical appointments.  But I’m afraid this could be a legal appointment. She has blindsided me; pulled the carpet out from me so many times, that it’s hard not to expect the worst. Another impulsive destruction without regards of the consequences could be on its way - once again. I have no leverage or safety net. I just want peace in my life. I’m 61 and going through the same things with her since I was 4, 6, 8, . . . .18, 20, 25, . . . 35, 45, 60. I moved here from a different state to take care of her. Gave up everything. I no longer have the resources to get out of this. I put all my eggs in one basket and now I’m stuck.
Struggling. And afraid to see what tomorrow brings.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

You are not legally responsible for being your mother's caregiver. While you feel stuck, and financially it would be difficult- unless you signed something like a contract to care for her or your name is on a lease, you could, hypothetically, make another arrangement. It would not be wise to just leave without a plan it but it may be something to work towards.

It sounds to me like when you decided to move to be your mother's caregiver- you weren't fully aware of what this could be like, but now that you have moved, you have seen a bigger picture.

This isn't as much about her than about your own safety. With her PD's she's going to have these behaviors. However, if it is at the point of causing you harm- financially, your security, then you need to be protective of that. If she is going to set the situation up to where you are financially trapped and have nothing- this is not a safe situation to stay in.

While you may have moved according to a goodwill agreement with your mother- that you act as caregiver, and then she would leave the house to you, you see now that she is not reliable, that she changes her will, and may even use money as a form of control. Seeing that your mother can and would do this is distressing, because we don't imagine a mother doing this. One phrase that resonates with me is Maya Angelou's - when someone shows you who they are- believe them.

I don't know what resources are available, but being on Medicaid, you may also be eligible for other assistance- possibly housing, legal, social work. While choices may be limited- it is good to know your options. Staying positive for you may be that you are working towards an alternative situation for yourself. You will feel less anxious about what your mother would do if there was another plan in place.

[CC43]

Hi PlanB,

I really feel for you.  I imagine you moved in with your mom, partly out of guilt, mostly out of a sense of responsibility for her, and partly because you thought there was no other way to help but to move in.  But now that you're living with her full-time, it's just unbearable for you.

My guess is that your mom loves to exert financial control over you, perhaps by making promises--for free housing, for an inheritance, whatever.  In my experience with BPD or NPD, any "deals" they propose have one thing in common:  the idea that YOU make sacrifices or investments up front, while their obligations are in the distant future.  Sure, in the moment they MIGHT have the intention of fulfilling their obligations, but the second that something doesn't go the way they want, bam, the deal dissolves, even if it's written down--she'll just rip the thing up.  PwBPD just aren't "reliable" in my experience; their moods are too fickle, and they twist fact patterns and try to convince you that the history (and deals) were something else entirely.  I've found that pwNPD are even trickier, because they demand that YOU follow strict rules, but they are exempt because they believe they're special.

Anyway, my general advice about making "bargains" with pwBPD (or NPD) is to avoid making any investments or sacrifices that you aren't prepared to lose; and you need to assume that the pwBPD won't follow through on their commitments.  In other words, keep your expectations low.  If they do follow through, well then that's great, icing on the cake.  Meanwhile, if you do make investments or sacrifices, you do them for YOU.  Maybe you want to help your mom because you couldn't live with yourself if you didn't.  Does that make sense?  In other words, your decisions need to put you first and foremost.

Now, about you.  You're only 61, you have many great years ahead of you.  It sounds to me that right now, you feel your mom has all the control over you, but I want to tell you, that's just because she's wearing you down, making you feel exhausted and hopeless.  It sounds to me like you need to take a break.  I'd say, you need to get out of the house a bit.  For me, that usually involves taking walks, in nature whenever possible.  But I have all sorts of little routines of self-care that made me feel good--I basically have a "menu" of self-care options from which I choose, depending on my mood or time of day.  My "menu" of simple acts of self-care generally includes exercise (walks, gym, stretching, trip to the beach), quiet time (bath, reading, sewing, cup of tea, crosswords), learning (reading, foreign language study), social connection (calling a friend or family member, setting up coffee/lunch dates) and escape (trip to the library, quick errand).   Because I'm not just a family servant, I'm not always required to put my needs last.  I mean, if I don't put my needs first, who else is going to?  Sadly, the answer is probably nobody.  I'm just trying to say that YOU deserve to put yourself first sometimes, and you have to make that happen, because you deserve it!  Sure, your mom might have a conniption fit, because she's used to you being her slave and punching bag, but you go ahead and let her have her fit, just put her in an adult time out, while you take care of you.