How do you know?

[flannel]

I'm new. Not too sure how this message board thing works... .

I've read much, but how in the world can I determine what my spouse has? Bipolar? Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)? BPD? All the symptoms are so similar!

So many questions, so few answers... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi flannel and

a good place to start would be here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

you ask an important question. truthfully, without a formal diagnosis from a professional, none of us can know for sure (and most of us do not have a formal diagnosis). having said that, what we can do is discuss traits and behaviors that we are struggling with in our relationships.

i encourage you to share more of your story with us as you are comfortable. what brought you here, and how can we best support you?

keep posting, flannel. theres a lot to be learned here, and we are here to help.

[flannel]

thank you.

my story... .in brief... .

I am remarried, 3 1/2 years now. My wife (also her second marriage) is suffering from all the typical symptoms associated with BPD. Her family (parents and one sister) all struggle with their own [separate] problems, so I don't engage them. However, her older sister is stable in her life and marriage and she recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to me because she feels strongly that her sister (my wife) has BPD. After reading the book (with much emotion because it describes my situation quite well!), I landed here.

I will say, thankfully, my wife does not seem to be one who is in denial. But our communication is a one-way street (I must listen and agree). She has been to her OBGYN and a hormone doctor and she is being treated for PMDD. Frankly, I haven't got a clue (thus my original question, how do you know what the REAL problem is?). Maybe I should just shut up and accept what the current path and treatment is... .all I know is that I definitely live with Jekyll and Hyde and find myself (at times) feeling as if I'M the one about to go nuts. 

[once removed]

But our communication is a one-way street

... .

Maybe I should just shut up and accept what the current path and treatment is... .all I know is that I definitely live with Jekyll and Hyde and find myself (at times) feeling as if I'M the one about to go nuts. 

there is a great deal you can do to reduce stress for yourself. directly to the right -------> are the lessons. there you can learn more about BPD, communication skills to reduce conflict and stress, learn how to set boundaries (critical in a relationship with someone with BPD, but any relationship, really) and get a better understanding/feel for the dynamics in your relationship.

especially important: what do you do for self care?

[isilme]

how do you know what the REAL problem is?

Honestly, the name of the issue does not matter all that much to me.  It's caused by a combination of nature versus nurture, where one person in a family can come out with this emotional handicap, and others can come out able to cope with the world.  With my parents it was called manic depression, then bi polar disorder, and now, reading it seems my father has Antisocial personality/narcissistic personality disorder (sociopath) and my mother BPD.  The name means less than what they did and continue to do. 

A big part of this message board is not so much to "fix" our partners.  You can't do that, and a big first step is recognizing that and letting go of that as a motivation.  Most of us have tendencies and instincts about what will help our partners that actually make the situations worse, and set them off.  The kind of reasoning you'd try with a person with more emotional maturity just won't work.  Logic to solve an emotional problem just does not work.  And BPD and its "cousins" see the world via an emotional lens.  So we come on here to talk in a safe place with other people who have seen the same kinds of behavior and who can share what has helped them in their lives.  I've spent a lot of time trying for "Radical acceptance" of what this life I choose to stay in means, what H can and cannot give me, and how to not let the irrational behavior hurt me irreparably. 

That's not to say don't look for medical solutions to some of the "symptoms".   H has blood sugar issues and I can tell you that he is more likely to go into a terrible rage if he is hungry than if he's eaten.  So if your W is looking for help regulating hormones, continue with that - hormones are horrible at affecting moods.  Also, some on here have posted about supplements that can help stabilize moods.  So there is a good chance adjusting body chemistry can help - but the programming that irrational behavior is acceptable and the only way to deal with their emotions will always be there.  We can't "fix" it, "cure" it, only learn how to live in the best way we can with it.

[flannel]

Honestly, the name of the issue does not matter all that much to me... .  The name means less than what they did and continue to do. 

A big part of this message board is not so much to "fix" our partners... .  The kind of reasoning you'd try with a person with more emotional maturity just won't work.  Logic to solve an emotional problem just does not work.   

So if your W is looking for help regulating hormones, continue with that - hormones are horrible at affecting moods... .We can't "fix" it, "cure" it, only learn how to live in the best way we can with it.

Thank you so much. You said so many good and encouraging things. I guess you're right, the label doesn't necessarily matter I suppose, except for treatment and drug purposes. But ultimately, if I'm focusing on me, the label doesn't matter. I hadn't really considered this. I've been so focused on finding a solution.

And that's another thing you've mentioned. It's so hard being in a new relationship (just over 3 years) and she seems to have only gotten worse. I do think about getting out, but it isn't really who I am. I made a promise.

Sadly, I've done much wrong I think. During her fits of rage, I would also get angry. And I've tried the reason thing too. Now I simply try not to engage at all. But I get so aggravated with her smart mouth. Just five minutes ago, she walked through the room and had to make a smart comment about what I was watching. Frankly, her mouth irritates me to no end - and it never ends. She has damaged relationships with her parents, siblings, and her children - and now my family and children. I feel so stuck.

[flannel]

Wow. I am so frustrated. I can feel my heart beating faster in my chest. I cannot stand her mouth. She just walked through the room a second time complaining, as I sit watching TV with my daughter.

I am so sick of her behaviour. So sick of her griping, hateful comments, and attacks directed at my daughter.

[flannel]

I understand that I can only control me. I understand that I need to work on my responses - and I am. I am thankful for this site and the incredible amount of good info. I can't read and digest it all fast enough! I've also found some other blogs too. It is all helpful.

But at what point do we STOP blaming a disease and take responsibility for the hateful and harmful things that come out of your [her] mouth? Ok, these impulses come upon her and may be uncontrolled. But why is there no responsibility taken? Why are no apologies given? I am NOT the one causing the problems in this home.

Wish I had a disease in which I could blame all my bad behaviour.

Frustrated.

[once removed]

your frustration is apparent and understandable flannel. i could go from 0-10 with my ex myself, when she said certain things.

learning about the disorder will go a long way toward depersonalizing this kind of behavior, to the point that it will roll right off your back. that wont be over night of course, and i am sure you have your share of built up resentment(s). not responding or taking the bait (which you avoided) is smart, as doing otherwise would make things even more stressful for you.

have you spoken about this issue with her? have you responded differently before?

[flannel]

I have "taken the bait" before, and I've learned from several past mistakes, that is not the thing to do. Still, it takes everything within me not to respond, especially when she directs her attacks at my daughter. (remember, we're a step family).

Have I talked to her about this? I have tried, but it never works. She gets upset (often angry) and says things like, "don't you know i have a disease? I have an excuse!" Recently we went to counseling together. I thought it would be safe to speak there. But when I disagreed with her and stated, "your bad days come all the time and any time, not just at THAT time of the month", she called me a liar and walked out of the session. All talk is a one-way street.

I don't feel I have anywhere to go. I don't feel like there are any answers either. I can read all I can and do what is recommended (letting things roll off back), but will it ever truly change? Will I lose me in the process? - because I have put so much of my life on hold because its a danged-if-you-do, danged-if-you-don't situation.

[flannel]

I assume I can participate in other messages by clicking on them? I know I can't be the only one out there feeling this stuff. It would be nice to find someone who knows what exactly I'm going through and has traveled the road before me. I made a commitment, a promise. I don't want another divorce. I'm looking for some way - any way - to avoid it. But I can't breathe.

[once removed]

I can read all I can and do what is recommended (letting things roll off back), but will it ever truly change? Will I lose me in the process? - because I have put so much of my life on hold because its a danged-if-you-do, danged-if-you-don't situation.

things are not going to change over night. there are things you can do short term, and there are things that you can do long term. its a relationship, and will take time to rebuild.

i dont mean to give you the impression that the only solution is to let hurtful or angering remarks roll off your back. far from it. thats more of a long term thing. its a conflict style of hers, its about her, and over time you will be able to see it that way, and therefore be effected less by it (ideally).

have you had the opportunity to read through the lessons to the right of the screen yet? its going to give you a much bigger picture.

I assume I can participate in other messages by clicking on them?

yes, and i encourage you to do so. youll see that many members are or have struggled with similar dynamics and challenges, feel less alone, and you can participate in any of them