Please help

[Mountain bird]

Hello, this is my first post here and please have in mind that English is not my native language.
My daughter is 18, and we have been facing challenges since she was 12. She was selfharming, suicidal, and with time she lost motivation for many of her talents, activities and studying. We had so many horrible fights, the boundaries were always problem for her. I divorced when she was 4, and since then living aline with her. The father has no parenting capacities, and most of the time he was not of help.
Our fights or conflicts usually starts with something that I say, some request or a question, and beleive me or not I dont wven remember most of them. It just errupts. Then she used to be exhausted and depressed for days, then standing up, saying Im sorry, and then all over again. I had a feeling that she took me for granted, usually with no empathy for my being, needs or wishes. It was always about hers. With years I became more and more tired and exhausted, feeling lonely because outside she was behaving totally diffeerent. For so many times I felt like a prisoner in my own house, crying for nights in my bed. Feeling guilty, gasslighted, crazy.
It culminated just when she turned 18.
And yes, she never got a formal diagnose even though her psychiatrist told me it is BPD. I took her to so many paichologist, psychiatrists, looking for help, she was hospitalized twice.
A month ago we had a new conflict even though I had an impression things were getting better last year.
The latest conflict made me feel terrible, or I just couldnt stand it any more. I called a police just to stop it, it was too nuch for me. Was it the worst situarion so far, no. But for me it was a breakdown.
Police came and went, nothing happened.
But she cant foegive me this. She is accusing me for all the bad things in her life, she told me terrible things about me, being a mother, about how I traumatised her so deeply so our rwlationship is totally ruined and she wants to move out.
What I didnt say is that we, beside all, had an amazing relationship in between, fool of love and trust.
I am trying not to take things personally but sometimes it is so hard and it lasts so long. Now, we cant even talk, she missinterprets everything I say, she demands, requests things from me that I cant accept. My heart is broken, and bleading. Im praying and praying because I cant reach her out anymore.
She takes medications for two and a half years, skipping and changing therapists, blaming me for everything, not willing to take reponsibility for her behavior and cindition.
Thank you all for being here. Your stories make me feel less crazy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Mountain Bird and welcome
I have been thinking of your post over the past days but haven't had the time to respond. There are so many things going on, I hope to respond more fully in a day or two.

But I just wanted to welcome you here. It certainly sounds like you are on the BPD journey with your DD - so you are not alone.

Also - you did the right thing calling the police. It is hard but a necessary thing to do for both you and DD's sake. It does cause a big reaction but it opens up the situation, which has to happen at some point in time.

I have lots of questions such as what medication DD is on. You mention she has been on the for quite a while and I wonder if you have noticed whether they are effective at all? Is DD doing any study or have any routine at all?

Also is there anyone that supports you in any way?

As I say I hope to get back to you with a better response. In the meantime I hope it helps knowing that we understand completely the complexity of your situation ie journeying with a loved child with BPD

[CC43]

Welcome Mountain Bird,

Your story sounds familiar here.  You've been dealing with volatile emotions and your daughter's acting out for years now, it's no wonder you're feeling desperate.  Most of what you wrote mirrors what happened with my BPD stepdaughter, though her self-destructive behaviors emerged a little later, at around the time she went to college.  Other than the timing, I could have written the same story:  endless arguments and rage over nothing and everything, acts of self-harm, hospitalizations, the string of psychiatrists and psychologists.  Daughter says she feels traumatized so deeply, that her life has been ruined, and she wants to leave.  Most of all, everything is someone else's fault, and she refuses to take responsibility for her own toxic behavior.  According to her disordered thinking, others "compel" her act out, and others "deserve" to be treated poorly.  Once, when she was having an extremely volatile episode, her parent had to call emergency services.  From that point forward, she never forgave her parent.  Does that sound familiar?  Her thinking was so delusional at the time that she accused the parent of "assault," when the reality was that she was the one who was violent.

I wrote all that to reassure you that none of this is your fault, OK?  Your daughter will blame you, and she'll be so persistent and nasty that she'll convince you that you are abusive, that you ruined her life.  Most parents come here feeling distraught and guilty.  Here, we call that living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, which can cloud our judgment.

Here we have a mantra called the three Cs:  You didn't Cause BPD, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.  No matter how much your daughter accuses you and blames you, you need to remember the three Cs.  Since you're a mom, you desperately want to fix your daughter's problems.  Unfortunately, you just can't fix BPD.  Only your daughter can do that.  Trust me, if parents could wave a magic wand and make the pain, anguish, anxiety and fear disappear, we would have done that already.  Even if we gave our BPD kids all our money, it still wouldn't make any difference, except to bankrupt us.

Here's the deal:  your daughter's problem isn't you, or her terrible childhood.  Your daughter is the problem--because she's emotionally unstable, her thinking is disordered, she perceives everything in black-and-white terms, and she lacks a clear sense of identity (except victim).  But your daughter is also the solution, because she can get treatment for BPD, provided that she is committed to therapy and decides to make some changes to feel better. 

I see some good news here.  First, you already know you're dealing with BPD.  That counts for something; knowledge is power!  Second, your daughter is very young; she can get treatment before BPD derails her entire life, before her destructive habits become too ingrained.  Third, your daughter has YOU, a supportive, loving and resourceful parent.  The proof is you found your way here, right?  Finally, BPD is treatable with therapy, while medications can help with coexisting conditions like anxiety or depression, and get her stabilized.  My stepdaughter got intensive treatment for BPD, and her life looks totally different now.  Though she still struggles, she turned her life around, and in a relatively short time, too.

And now about YOU.  We understand you're probably exhausted, sick with worry, feeling desperate, maybe angry and resentful sometimes, doubting yourself practically every day.  You beat yourself up over saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and nothing seems to be working, despite valiant efforts.  You're in numerous company here.  Alas, we're not perfect--nobody is--but we're also not the abusive villians that BPD kids believe us to be.  It sounds to me like you deserve a break, because you're no good to your daughter if you are a frazzled wreck.  Your daughter doesn't need Broken Mom, she needs Stable, Happy Mom, so that whenever there's an incident, you react as calmly and as loving as possible.  Like I wrote, you can't control your daughter's BPD, but you can control YOU.  Right now I think you need to prioritize self-care.  For me, whenever times get tough, I know that's when I have to refocus on my healthy habits, like eating right, getting exercise (preferably in nature) and getting enough rest.  I also rely on some quick, comforting routines, like stretching, breathing deeply, taking a warm bath, walking outside, tidying up or sipping some herbal tea.  You mentioned praying--that sounds like a great idea.  Given your name of Mountain Bird, it sounds to me like you enjoy the outdoors.  I'd say, you might make some time to get outdoors, soak in some mountain air, maybe listen to some local birds and say a prayer or two, to feel like your old self again, to remind yourself that that your entire life doesn't revolve around your daughter's negativity.  How does that sound?