Please help

[Mountain bird]

Hello, this is my first post here and please have in mind that English is not my native language.
My daughter is 18, and we have been facing challenges since she was 12. She was selfharming, suicidal, and with time she lost motivation for many of her talents, activities and studying. We had so many horrible fights, the boundaries were always problem for her. I divorced when she was 4, and since then living aline with her. The father has no parenting capacities, and most of the time he was not of help.
Our fights or conflicts usually starts with something that I say, some request or a question, and beleive me or not I dont wven remember most of them. It just errupts. Then she used to be exhausted and depressed for days, then standing up, saying Im sorry, and then all over again. I had a feeling that she took me for granted, usually with no empathy for my being, needs or wishes. It was always about hers. With years I became more and more tired and exhausted, feeling lonely because outside she was behaving totally diffeerent. For so many times I felt like a prisoner in my own house, crying for nights in my bed. Feeling guilty, gasslighted, crazy.
It culminated just when she turned 18.
And yes, she never got a formal diagnose even though her psychiatrist told me it is BPD. I took her to so many paichologist, psychiatrists, looking for help, she was hospitalized twice.
A month ago we had a new conflict even though I had an impression things were getting better last year.
The latest conflict made me feel terrible, or I just couldnt stand it any more. I called a police just to stop it, it was too nuch for me. Was it the worst situarion so far, no. But for me it was a breakdown.
Police came and went, nothing happened.
But she cant foegive me this. She is accusing me for all the bad things in her life, she told me terrible things about me, being a mother, about how I traumatised her so deeply so our rwlationship is totally ruined and she wants to move out.
What I didnt say is that we, beside all, had an amazing relationship in between, fool of love and trust.
I am trying not to take things personally but sometimes it is so hard and it lasts so long. Now, we cant even talk, she missinterprets everything I say, she demands, requests things from me that I cant accept. My heart is broken, and bleading. Im praying and praying because I cant reach her out anymore.
She takes medications for two and a half years, skipping and changing therapists, blaming me for everything, not willing to take reponsibility for her behavior and cindition.
Thank you all for being here. Your stories make me feel less crazy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Mountain Bird and welcome
I have been thinking of your post over the past days but haven't had the time to respond. There are so many things going on, I hope to respond more fully in a day or two.

But I just wanted to welcome you here. It certainly sounds like you are on the BPD journey with your DD - so you are not alone.

Also - you did the right thing calling the police. It is hard but a necessary thing to do for both you and DD's sake. It does cause a big reaction but it opens up the situation, which has to happen at some point in time.

I have lots of questions such as what medication DD is on. You mention she has been on the for quite a while and I wonder if you have noticed whether they are effective at all? Is DD doing any study or have any routine at all?

Also is there anyone that supports you in any way?

As I say I hope to get back to you with a better response. In the meantime I hope it helps knowing that we understand completely the complexity of your situation ie journeying with a loved child with BPD

[CC43]

Welcome Mountain Bird,

Your story sounds familiar here.  You've been dealing with volatile emotions and your daughter's acting out for years now, it's no wonder you're feeling desperate.  Most of what you wrote mirrors what happened with my BPD stepdaughter, though her self-destructive behaviors emerged a little later, at around the time she went to college.  Other than the timing, I could have written the same story:  endless arguments and rage over nothing and everything, acts of self-harm, hospitalizations, the string of psychiatrists and psychologists.  Daughter says she feels traumatized so deeply, that her life has been ruined, and she wants to leave.  Most of all, everything is someone else's fault, and she refuses to take responsibility for her own toxic behavior.  According to her disordered thinking, others "compel" her act out, and others "deserve" to be treated poorly.  Once, when she was having an extremely volatile episode, her parent had to call emergency services.  From that point forward, she never forgave her parent.  Does that sound familiar?  Her thinking was so delusional at the time that she accused the parent of "assault," when the reality was that she was the one who was violent.

I wrote all that to reassure you that none of this is your fault, OK?  Your daughter will blame you, and she'll be so persistent and nasty that she'll convince you that you are abusive, that you ruined her life.  Most parents come here feeling distraught and guilty.  Here, we call that living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, which can cloud our judgment.

Here we have a mantra called the three Cs:  You didn't Cause BPD, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.  No matter how much your daughter accuses you and blames you, you need to remember the three Cs.  Since you're a mom, you desperately want to fix your daughter's problems.  Unfortunately, you just can't fix BPD.  Only your daughter can do that.  Trust me, if parents could wave a magic wand and make the pain, anguish, anxiety and fear disappear, we would have done that already.  Even if we gave our BPD kids all our money, it still wouldn't make any difference, except to bankrupt us.

Here's the deal:  your daughter's problem isn't you, or her terrible childhood.  Your daughter is the problem--because she's emotionally unstable, her thinking is disordered, she perceives everything in black-and-white terms, and she lacks a clear sense of identity (except victim).  But your daughter is also the solution, because she can get treatment for BPD, provided that she is committed to therapy and decides to make some changes to feel better. 

I see some good news here.  First, you already know you're dealing with BPD.  That counts for something; knowledge is power!  Second, your daughter is very young; she can get treatment before BPD derails her entire life, before her destructive habits become too ingrained.  Third, your daughter has YOU, a supportive, loving and resourceful parent.  The proof is you found your way here, right?  Finally, BPD is treatable with therapy, while medications can help with coexisting conditions like anxiety or depression, and get her stabilized.  My stepdaughter got intensive treatment for BPD, and her life looks totally different now.  Though she still struggles, she turned her life around, and in a relatively short time, too.

And now about YOU.  We understand you're probably exhausted, sick with worry, feeling desperate, maybe angry and resentful sometimes, doubting yourself practically every day.  You beat yourself up over saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and nothing seems to be working, despite valiant efforts.  You're in numerous company here.  Alas, we're not perfect--nobody is--but we're also not the abusive villians that BPD kids believe us to be.  It sounds to me like you deserve a break, because you're no good to your daughter if you are a frazzled wreck.  Your daughter doesn't need Broken Mom, she needs Stable, Happy Mom, so that whenever there's an incident, you react as calmly and as loving as possible.  Like I wrote, you can't control your daughter's BPD, but you can control YOU.  Right now I think you need to prioritize self-care.  For me, whenever times get tough, I know that's when I have to refocus on my healthy habits, like eating right, getting exercise (preferably in nature) and getting enough rest.  I also rely on some quick, comforting routines, like stretching, breathing deeply, taking a warm bath, walking outside, tidying up or sipping some herbal tea.  You mentioned praying--that sounds like a great idea.  Given your name of Mountain Bird, it sounds to me like you enjoy the outdoors.  I'd say, you might make some time to get outdoors, soak in some mountain air, maybe listen to some local birds and say a prayer or two, to feel like your old self again, to remind yourself that that your entire life doesn't revolve around your daughter's negativity.  How does that sound?

[Mountain bird]

Dear Sancho and CC43,

I am reading what you wrote and crying, feeling such a sense of relief. No one has ever told me this. Never.

The biggest paradox is that I am a therapist, working with adolescents and their parents, but I am not specialised in working with personality disorders. I wanted to learn more about BPD, but somehow kept postponing going deeper into it. My daughter's psychiatrists and psychologists mostly kept telling me that it was just an adolescent crisis and that I had to be patient, which I tried to be. At the same time, I felt that something bigger was going on, because nothing seemed to work for her. I tried different approaches, suggested and helped her find different ways of approaching her life and behaviour, but nothing really worked. Or it worked, but only for a short time.

Even though I work with adolescents, I know that I cannot be my daughter's therapist. But that was usually the button she would push, saying things like: "What kind of therapist are you if you're ruining your own child? Throw your diploma away!" And so on.

I found out about this forum while reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. Of course, I went through another round of blaming myself, thinking: How come I didn't read this book before?!

Thank you for all your reflections, shared experiences, insights and questions. For the first time, I felt something like: Somebody else knows exactly what I am going through.

The support I receive from my friends is something completely different. It is precious, but it is also different.

I am in therapy myself, and when the last incident happened, my therapist told me something that was helpful but also terribly disappointing for me. She said: "Even when your daughter is doing okay (meaning that she is going through a relatively calm period), she is not okay. It is still BPD."

What you guys have written sounds so supportive and encouraging to me. I have never received this kind of support before, and I have been missing it so desperately.
Of course I feel like I lost myself, looking for it at therapy sessions, books, but mostly in the loneliness of my bed room. I feel like I will never ever have my own life again. I make small steps towards it, knowing I have to be well for myself and my daughter. I am going for a short trip abroad next month, and I can explain how hard was to make that decision and to buy the tickets. There is a voice inside of me, which keeps on telling ne: what if this happens, what if that, etc.
@sancho, I will answer you questions in next couple of days. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your words heal.
@cc43, thanks for your time and patience to write such a message. You will never know how much you helped me, instantly. What you described, yes, it is exactly that. Will also come back with more answers.

[ForeverDad]

The biggest paradox is that I am a therapist, working with adolescents and their parents, but I am not specialised in working with personality disorders...

Even though I work with adolescents, I know that I cannot be my daughter's therapist. But that was usually the button she would push, saying things like: "What kind of therapist are you if you're ruining your own child? Throw your diploma away!" And so on.

The reason you can't be her therapist is this:
You are too emotionally close to her.  There is too much history of emotional baggage over the years for her to truly listen to you.  That's why she - potentially, if only she were receptive - would do better with a therapist who has no emotional relationship with her.

This makes sense since people on the periphery of her life, with just minimal or occasional contact, may notice something "off" about her but there is no crushing impact due to the brief contact from an emotional distance.  You, on the other hand, are in the middle of her life and past.

There was a book written years ago "get me out of here" by Rachel Reiland where the wife & mother had a therapist who had a literal hands off policy... no touching at all.  Years of therapy.  At the end of their very last session, they had a hug, just the once.  The therapist knew he must maintain a strict no emotional connection with the patient.

The verbal attacks by people with BPD traits are very, very hurtful.  Of course, she knows just how to hurt you the most.  Would it help to imagine what she says is as though it were ridiculous?  What if she said you were a pink elephant?  Yes, it still would hurt, but surely not quite as much.

Thank you for all your reflections, shared experiences, insights and questions. For the first time, I felt something like: Somebody else knows exactly what I am going through.

The support I receive from my friends is something completely different. It is precious, but it is also different.

I am in therapy myself, and when the last incident happened, my therapist told me something that was helpful but also terribly disappointing for me. She said: "Even when your daughter is doing okay (meaning that she is going through a relatively calm period), she is not okay. It is still BPD."

What you guys have written sounds so supportive and encouraging to me. I have never received this kind of support before, and I have been missing it so desperately.

In past years I often read the comment, "Even the therapists who have their own BPD patients have to have therapists for themselves."  That's how impacting this acting-out (harming others more than self) disorder is.

We encourage a three-legged support stool... (1) trusted family & friends, (2) local in-person therapists or counselors and (3) peer support.

[CC43]

Hi again Mountain Bird,

I'm glad you're seeing you're not alone in this.  Many parents here have faced similar struggles.  While BPD is on a spectrum, with behaviors and daily functioning abilities that can vary widely, the general themes are remarkably consistent, at least based on my readings here.

If I may impart a little advice, I'd say, you go on your trip abroad and have a wonderful time, because you deserve it.  You are not "abandoning" your adult daughter; what you are doing is showing her what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes making some trips and doing some fun stuff from time to time.  I know you're worried about what might happen, but you have no control over that.  If your daughter is like a lot of other adult BPD daughters, chances are that she'll have some sort of meltdown or incident and try to sabotage your trip.  My advice?  You go on your trip anyway.

Look, I've given up many vacations and fun outings because of BPD meltdowns, and looking back, I regret that, every time.  I'll tell you, I think there is no coincidence that my BPD stepdaughter always seemed to have meltdowns or manufactured crises, precisely when her dad and I were out of town, or on our way out the door.  Our last trip a few weeks ago was no exception.  There could be multiple factors at play here:  daughter feels jealous about not going on a trip herself; she feels entitled to the money you're spending on yourself; she feels "abandoned" because you're temporarily unavailable to cater to her needs; she's acting out to reclaim your undivided attention; she's vindictive and aims to "spoil" the one fun thing you had planned to enjoy; she's fearful because she's left to care for herself, all by herself, and she can't handle it; her emotions are running wild, conflating a weekend away with feelings of lifelong abandonment, whatever.  We may never know what triggers her, but in my experience, anything which disrupts a routine and is emotionally charged--things like vacations, holidays, sickness, moving homes, visitors, etc.--are tinderboxes for pwBPD.  I'd almost EXPECT your daughter to have some sort of incident.  My advice would be to go on your trip no matter what.  Your daughter is an adult, not a newborn baby, and if she really has an emergency, she can take care of it, or she can call emergency services.  She could try to guilt you into turning around.  But I'd say, don't let her.  You can deal with her when you return.  Now, it may be that your daughter is truly "handicapped" and can't be left alone as an adult.  If that's the case, then I'd seriously consider getting a guardian to look after her in your absence.  Typical candidates would be an aunt or grandma, or some other kind of babysitter.  But based on what you wrote, it sounds to me like your daughter is high functioning.  That means you should be able to go away for a few days and have a wonderful time.