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Author Topic: You mean nothing to me  (Read 657 times)
jo19854
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 143



« on: February 16, 2017, 01:46:35 PM »

Hi all, the subject name is exactly the phrase that came up in my mind today.
I am not going to into all kind of details of my past with my wife. In my profile I described it in detail.
After 3 years alone, suddenly deserted by wife while i was at work in February 2014 and knowing her for about 11 years I still pick up the pieces every day. I am not a saint but I was good for her, not me but my love for her saved her life more then once. I did put my heart over my mind, that's who I am and I pay the price.
Every day she is in my mind and how hard I try, I still love her.
In the last year's I was able to return (to USA) her valuables, all clothing and even pension plan papers from a pension plan I bought for her in Holland.  I have never ever heard from her, never got any explanation. No adress, no closure. No response after receiving over 150 pounds of personal belongings.
Still lots of tears, missing her every day and treatment for trauma.
But today I realised that I am not only in shock because of her abandoning me.

It's also because her zero response tells me " You mean nothing to me" .
That really hurts , and I can imagine that is how many of us feel

Jo
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noideaforname
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« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 02:05:59 PM »

well i can say that the times she actually responded me... .she said those words... ."you don't mean nothing to me anymore"

so as hard as it is... .and from what she told me... .she met a new person that has more things in commmon with her and she has seen the light of what she really wants

amazing
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kentavr3
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« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2017, 02:28:48 PM »

It is not her response is telling you. It is your imagination is telling you. Same happened with me. You  need to understand , that we all are heavily codependent. You are playing a victim role now. Do you have a chance to see a therapist?
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Mutt
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2017, 09:01:12 PM »

Hi jo19854,

Welcome

Excerpt
Every day she is in my mind and how hard I try, I still love her.
In the last year's I was able to return (to USA) her valuables, all clothing and even pension plan papers from a pension plan I bought for her in Holland.  I have never ever heard from her, never got any explanation. No adress, no closure. No response after receiving over 150 pounds of personal belongings.


I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, many of us on the board can relate with the void that our partners create when they don't give us closure, unfortunately it's not something that many of our exes can provide, we can and have to give closure to ourselves. It helps to share our feelings with fellow members so that we can go through a post mortem of the r/s, everybody's healing is different but it helps to talk about it and not avoid with substance abuse, gambling, self destructive behaviors.

Your ex is avoiding because if she faced you it would bring up painful feelings of shame, some of us become a source of shame for our ex partners, my ex avoided me for the same reasons, it was another r/s that failed for her out of many r/s's, she couldn't face the pain that she had cause from abandoning me. We can recover from this pain, we have to let go of the image that we have of our exes in our heads, an image that is not realistic of our exe partners, there is good and bad, our exes suffer from a serious life long mental ilness, our love is not above the disorder, we can't cure it with our love, we have to accept reality for what it is, it will speed up our recovery, everyone grieves in their own way but we can help ourselves with strategies to recover more quickly.


PS The lessons are on the right side of the board, i'd also like to point out the quote, attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
jo19854
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 143



« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2017, 10:44:37 AM »

Indeed Mutt, grieving, it's hard. Thank you for the words of support, it's true what you wrote, as cruel as reality is.

Noid , it's how it feels for me. If she would have said it in my face at least I could have had my say-so on it. Sorry it happened to you.

Kentavr, I get trauma treatment  soon. Disagree on codependency, sorry. The codependency movement blew a certain reaction originally connected to addiction way out of proportion. But anyway I do respect your point of view

Jo
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FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
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« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2017, 11:32:16 AM »

Same thing happened to me... I was abandoned exactly 2 months ago and she started dating a girl who she had already been seeing during the past few breakups.

I too get the message that "I meant nothing to her" by getting the total silence...

It would be nice to know that after 4 years together, I meant something to her?

I was not always the best boyfriend, but my intentions were always positive and I always wanted the best for both of us. I tried very hard to make her happy and give her the life she deserved. It seems like that doesn't count for anything?

In the end, none of the good things that I had done seemed to matter... .just my mistakes.

They are cowards and cannot face anything.
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2017, 12:55:32 PM »

Excerpt
I too get the message that "I meant nothing to her" by getting the total silence...

If you think about splitting as a defense mechanism and the disorder being triggered by intimacy, a pwBPD split the people that they care about the most black. Our exes cannot communicate effectively due to strong defense mechanisms, it's the nature of the disorder, but if you look closely there are signs there, it's difficult to see when we're emotionally wounded and suffering from our own pain.
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jo19854
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 143



« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2017, 06:28:23 AM »

... .it's the nature of the disorder, but if you look closely there are signs there, it's difficult to see when we're emotionally wounded and suffering from our own pain.

Hi Mutt,

Can you explain a bit more about what you are saying? I mean, in the last year being with me she had a chemo for HepC and in that period she withdraw wich i blamed on the treatment (supported by her doctor who said it was a common side effect). At that time i was working to make a home and a doing the chores. I was motivated and afraid, but not wounded. Now i am.

Ive never heard from her after she left with only a note. She thanked me for everything. Last year ive heard from her other ex (father of their children) she labeled me being a drama queen for my grieving.

Jo
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