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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: His pleas for "help" are breaking my heart...  (Read 913 times)
chillamom
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« on: February 17, 2017, 08:46:32 AM »

Hi, All,

I've been LC with my dEXBPD/NPDbf since we broke up. (for like the 20th time, I lost count) in late December, save for one disastrous meeting near his birthday when I took him to lunch, followed by hours of screaming, accusations, and not letting me out of my own car... .needless to say, it's been rough.

He has a lousy family situation, is unemployed, lives at home and really has no friends.  I have been responding to his texts and calls, which are daily, but have tried to be as "Grey Rock" as possible in my responses - not always easy.  My T and I both agree that it's time to go full NC but that I have a problem with that.  I KNOW it will help me, but I have to believe it will help HIM as well and so far, it just feels cruel to do it.

He of course wants to "be close friends" (aka use me for sex, $$ and companionship, although of course he "loves" me and denies the using part).  I have told him, sometimes patiently and sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, very angrily, that I am not going to do this.  He NOW apparently realizes that we cant be in a "real" relationship, but he'll "take anything he can get".  (The 8 year relationship was full of emotional and verbal abuse, plus practically speaking he wants kids and I'm past the age).

What do I say to him?  I have repeated myself over and over and over... .now he is texting me and literally begging me to PLEASE HELP HIM over and over.  He is appealing to the rescuer in me, of course, which is what got me in with him in the first place and which is a part of my personality I'm trying to suppress with the help of my T and reading and mindfulness etc. etc.  But I really don't know what to do!

This is a man I loved and still love, a human being who is in emotional pain!  My overwhelming urge is to do what I can to help... .but I know I can't be recycled again because years of depression and projection and hurt and blame are just too much and I won't go back.  If I go full NC now, even with yet another explanation, I feel he will end up back in the mental hospital yet again.  But I don't see how I can help him!  And I cant continue to shirk my own work and family responsibilities to be on the phone with him all day as he cries and begs. 

Any ideas on the best way to help him cope?  And me?  I know how awful loneliness is and I can't help but place myself in his shoes and feel just awful for him.  But yet I can't really do anything without getting back into a situation that is SO SO wrong for really both of us!

Thank you for anything you can share.
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marti644
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« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2017, 08:56:02 AM »

Chillamom,

There is no easy answer to this and my heart goes out to you. If you actually do want to end the relationship you need to leave, and NC is the only way.

In my experience those with BPD surround themselves in drama and injury, some of what is real and some that is not, and use this specifically to drag you in as their 'rescuer'. It is one part manipulation, and one part reality. Like everything with my BPD-ex, it was always dual. In her case her mom had had a terrible stroke and had diabetes making for a very difficult healthcare situation. While my ex was looking after the situation and struggle to balance the various week-by-week crises throughout our relationship she added a manipulation into the mix. She kept telling me that the medication prices had doubled and that she had run out of money that month and if she didn't get the medications her might would die. I now know that this was a gross exaggeration. It was a form of control over me (luckily I didn't have any money to give so I didn't get sucked into that trap).

Balancing the lies with the reality is so exhausting and you will burn yourself out if you try to help them without looking after yourself first.

Are you in a position to help anyone in your current emotional state? It sounds like you need to take time for yourself and then maybe later you can come back and help your BPD-ex. Unfortunately the likely outcome will be rage at you and quick disappearance (because they are looking for a new target).

Hang in there. XXXX
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2017, 09:07:09 AM »

Hi chillamom,

Excerpt
My T and I both agree that it's time to go full NC but that I have a problem with that.  I KNOW it will help me, but I have to believe it will help HIM as well and so far, it just feels cruel to do it.

I agree with marti644, I hear that you're more worried about him than yourself in your words, no contact is not a cruel weapon, no contact is self protection, you said so yourself that if you don't self protect he's going to use you for sex, money, companionship. Nothing changes without change.

There's only one person in this life that's responsible to take of yourself and that's you. That being said, if you help him it's going to enable his dysfunction and delay any opportunities for him to do self work because he doesn't need to he's got you.

Again I agree with marti644, NC is not a hard and fast rule, take the space and time that you need to do self work, when you feel stronger and ready, change your boundary and resume some type of r/s as friends and see how things go? .
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AustenJ
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« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2017, 09:10:27 AM »

I assume you are paying your therapist good money, don't waste it. Go no contact.

As we nons know, borderlines prey on our boundless compassion and love... .in fact they are banking on those traits... .

Chillamom, going NC will be one of the hardest things you will do in your life, but it is designed to save your live... .it is now time to rescue yourself instead of others... .

Take it slow... .One week at a time NC... .then talk to your therapist about your feelings... .then do two weeks... .then 3 weeks... .be patient with yourself... .love yourself... .be compassionate with yourself... .NC becomes easier with time... .it takes practice... .

Don't strive for perfection, but strive for progress... .you can do this... .

we are here for you
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marti644
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« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2017, 04:59:15 AM »

Hang in there Chillamom,

Just remember that everytime you are are recycled the treatment of you will only get worse. NC is extremely difficult (one month), but it slowly gets easier. Recharge yourself!
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2017, 06:02:41 AM »

Excerpt
Any ideas on the best way to help him cope?
Already great advice here!

Just wanted to add that since you have lready went NC in the past but then ended up recycling, likely it will be harder for him to believe you are in fact determined to go NC.  He may not believe you. (Even if he says he does.)
He is likely to test boundaries.

Best thing imo to help folks cope with behavior is:
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Be consistent.
Make your words and actions match.

This actually helps him cope by him believing you vs giving him false hope.

... .

After the break up of myself and my ex, the best thing that happened to help me detach was that neither of us relied on the other for any soothing or coping.  We DETACHED.  We focused on our future life. (A future that did not include one another)  When faced with moving forward with life, leaning on ex was not an option.

Had it been an option, I am sure this would have deeply harmed my detaching process/ my ability to grieve / my ability to cope.

... .

Sounds like the ongoing recycles, understandably make this confusing.
Often this is no longer about two folks who want to get back together because they love one another and want to share themselves.  Often such frequent recycles are about not wanting to experience the pain that is natural to detaching and grieving loss.  It becomes a negative "coping" mechanism of ongoing avoidance.

(There is a Lesson or such about this, if anyone happens to have handy, sorry, I such at finding threads)
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
heartandwhole
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« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2017, 06:54:54 AM »

Hi Chillamom,

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine how much your heartstrings are being pulled. In your shoes, I'm sure I'd be struggling mightily. I hope you are being gentle with yourself. Long-standing patterns aren't necessarily changed on our timetables. 

You know that this is an enabling situation. No one is being helped by this crisis-rescue-crisis-rescue cycle. How will he learn better coping skills if you cope for him? How will he  learn to soothe himself if you do it for him? This IS heartbreaking, but it's not helping either of you. Going down with him is not going to help him, either. He needs something else, and so do you. 

Try not to equate NC with abandonment. Sometimes a "no" to someone else is a big fat "yes" to ourselves.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
chillamom
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« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2017, 04:38:58 PM »

Thank you to everyone who responded to this, and I really appreciate your comments and insights.  I understand that this is enabling, and I understand it is hurting both of us.  I am going to try my best to be as LC as possible, but I have to say that seeing message after message after message is wearing me out (NOT wearing me down, and I am NOT going to go back!). I wish there was some way to remain friends, but only in the rarest of non-BPD relationships and with the healthiest of people might that be possible.  I am definitely not in a healthy place myself and need to work on that.  It will be easier if I can be NC or very LC and get myself together, because on the rare days that I can I feel actually pretty good. 

Marti6644, your comment about balancing the lies with the truth as being exhausting is so true.  The depression that this is renewing within me is hard to cope with, and I really wish I could sleep for, oh, a good year or so and wake up on the proverbial other side of this! And Mutt, you've said similar things before and I'm ashamed that I don't seem to be able to "get" it at an emotional level yet. Thanks for pointing out, HeartandWhole, that the enabling is not helping him, I know that in my head unequivocally.

Thank you everybody... .I think one of the hard things to start really understanding here is that I am starting to see he NEEDED me and WANTED me but never LOVED me. 

I'm 59 years old with a failed marriage and a failed long term relationship, and I don't think I know what love really is, nor will I likely ever get the chance to find out... .ah well, at least my daughter baked cupcakes for dessert! I am fortunate to have the love of family and friends, and a kid who can do really good buttercream icing!

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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2017, 04:45:36 PM »

Hi chillamom,

It takes as long as it takes   Smiling (click to insert in post) I just wanted to ask you if you're blocking the text messages? I remember the incessant emails that my ex left, it takes time but it will die down, it will help if you blocked him temporarily until you regain your emotional footing. Some people describe a pwBPD like an emotional black hole, they rarely give and will often take.
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chillamom
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« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2017, 05:32:44 PM »

Thanks, Mutt, and I confess that I've been inconsistent in blocking the texts.  I typically have him blocked but he begs so much via email for me to remove the blocks that I do... .my T has suggested leaving email open and answering ONCE a day only and blocking him everywhere else.  But stupid me, I can do that for a bit and then he says something so hurtful that I can't help but respond, or he manipulates the guilt skillfully and I unblock Facebook or iMessage or whatever.

last night he pushed my buttons by telling me that unless I came out to see him he would make contact again with a women he dated for one month back when we were broken up for a time (six months) back in 2015, whom he left very quickly because "she wasn't me" (even though she was my replica in a very creepy almost exact way).  Of course that hurt me and I lashed out at him, because at the time he was with her, he contacted me every day telling me he loved me and wanted me back and never told me he was seeing someone else.  I only found out about the month-long relationship when I got back together with him 6 weeks or so after it ended, and it hurt me to know that he was seeing someone else while professing love for me.  Whatever the case, he pushed my buttons on this, and later told me he had "just been testing me" to see how I would react and if  "I still cared" and that he was uninterested in returning to that person.  He told me that my emotional response to him indicated I still cared and he felt gratified.  I felt sickened.

I told him that the manipulation he had just done was wrong either way - if he was "testing" me that was hurtful, and if he would be willing to use another person in any way that would be hurtful as well.

Sorry to rave on... .I am just really becoming aware of how deep his pattern of needing to self-soothe at the expense of others goes, and he wants me to be on the receiving end of it again.

Thank you for reminding me that blocking and finding a way to stay strong despite his pleas and protests is important.  I have to find a way to make this about ME.
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hurting300
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« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2017, 10:51:59 PM »

I see no problem with No Contact as long as you explain to him that it's over and you wish to no longer talk. It's not your fault if he can't take a hint
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2017, 09:17:43 PM »

Hey chillamom

Excerpt
I'm 59 years old with a failed marriage and a failed long term relationship, and I don't think I know what love really is, nor will I likely ever get the chance to find out... .ah well, at least my daughter baked cupcakes for dessert! I am fortunate to have the love of family and friends, and a kid who can do really good buttercream icing!

I think you know more about what love really is than you are giving yourself credit for; the fact that his pleas for help are breaking your heart shows your compassion, knowing how tough it is being lonely shows your empathy, caring about him as a human being shows your respect, add trust and honesty which you sound like you know well, and you have what I believe are the foundations required for love.
Really be honest with yourself about who you are, and remember that we don't have control of who crosses our path and exactly how things will go (we can only control ourselves).
Kudos to you in realizing the love of your family and friends.
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bus boy
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« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2017, 06:24:16 AM »

 I know how you are feeling, all of us on here feel for your situation. Love you. Your ex is not your problem anymore. Direct your loving kind energy back into you. Like an old fella said to me once " after me, your next." Look after you. One time I was talking to my brother in law, his aunt was drinking something fierce, he was always getting wrapped up in the drama that comes with having a chronic alcoholic in the family. I asked my bro in law what are you going to do to help her ( I was still quiet sick with codependency and detachment issues) he said I've had enough of this drama, she refuses to help her self I'm washing my hands of her. He said " not my cow not my farm" that made so much sence. Your ex is not your problem " not your cow, not your farm"
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