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_Joy_

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 7


« on: February 17, 2017, 09:27:24 AM »

Hi all,

My mother has untreated BPD. I have had a lot of mental health issues because of it, but I am finally in a place where I am happy and healthy. I have a loving husband and a baby on the way. Being pregnant has made me realize that I don't want my mother to be a part of my child's life. This has caused a lot of people in my life who haven't gotten out of my mother's web to turn against me. I'm just looking for some support from people who know what I'm going through.

Thanks for reading!

- A
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DaughterOf

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 13


« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2017, 02:08:10 PM »

Hi _Joy_! 

It's so hard to set a boundary as you have. Many, many people will not understand. Many on this site will understand. I do. As someone raised by a person with BPD, I know how difficult it is. Your job is protecting your child and, if your mother isn't going to be able to manage herself in a way that is safe for your child, that boundary is necessary.

When I was adopting, I made it very clear to my mother that if she didn't behave herself, she would not see the little one. She pulled it together enough to make it be OK. But I was perfectly willing to cut the cord in the interest of protecting the child. It was hard and it felt lousy. But it also felt strong and fierce: I will not allow anyone--not even my mother--to hurt my child.

I hope you can feel that strength and fierceness too as you protect your child.

Good luck.
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Kwamina
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2017, 02:09:32 PM »

Hi _Joy_  

I am sorry you've had so many issues. Many of our members with a BPD parent have found themselves struggling with certain issues in their adult life. Great that you've been able to reach a better place now though Smiling (click to insert in post)

Congrats on the upcoming baby! You say that being pregnant has made you realize that you don't want your mother to be a part of your child's life. Have you also told your mother this?

Could you tell us a bit more about your mother's behavior? What are her behaviors that you find most disturbing or difficult to deal with?

Take care and I'm glad you are reaching out for support
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
_Joy_

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 7


« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2017, 10:04:48 PM »

Thank you, DaughterOf! It does kind of feel fierce! When I made the decision that my mother wouldn't have a relationship with my child, I felt like a strong mama bear. Smiling (click to insert in post) It's the first parenting decision I've made and I know it was a good one. Unlike my mother, I will do anything for my child, and that includes protecting him/her from my toxic mother.

I really appreciate your support! Thanks again!

Hi _Joy_! 

It's so hard to set a boundary as you have. Many, many people will not understand. Many on this site will understand. I do. As someone raised by a person with BPD, I know how difficult it is. Your job is protecting your child and, if your mother isn't going to be able to manage herself in a way that is safe for your child, that boundary is necessary.

When I was adopting, I made it very clear to my mother that if she didn't behave herself, she would not see the little one. She pulled it together enough to make it be OK. But I was perfectly willing to cut the cord in the interest of protecting the child. It was hard and it felt lousy. But it also felt strong and fierce: I will not allow anyone--not even my mother--to hurt my child.

I hope you can feel that strength and fierceness too as you protect your child.

Good luck.
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_Joy_

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 7


« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2017, 10:18:01 PM »

Thank you, Kwamina! The last time I spoke to my mother I told her that I would not be speaking to her again until she apologized for the hurtful things she said to me. That was 4 months ago and I don't foresee her apologizing any time soon. If she does reach out, I will communicate my decision to her. I think I will give her the option to have a relationship with my child if she makes some changes, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

My mom engaged in a lot of gaslighting. She was also very shaming and judgmental. Her biggest criticisms were usually around my physical appearance. Boundaries were nonexistent. Her moods were very volatile and I always felt like I was walking on egg shells. There was also a lot of alcohol abuse.

I've been taking a lot of criticism for establishing this boundary with my mother lately and it just feels really good to hear from people who understand how this feels. Thanks so much for your response!


Hi _Joy_  

I am sorry you've had so many issues. Many of our members with a BPD parent have found themselves struggling with certain issues in their adult life. Great that you've been able to reach a better place now though Smiling (click to insert in post)

Congrats on the upcoming baby! You say that being pregnant has made you realize that you don't want your mother to be a part of your child's life. Have you also told your mother this?

Could you tell us a bit more about your mother's behavior? What are her behaviors that you find most disturbing or difficult to deal with?

Take care and I'm glad you are reaching out for support
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2017, 10:45:13 PM »

Hello _Joy_,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you here, and congratulations on the bambino  

From a similar,  though not exact,  angle,  I've dealt with establishing boundaries regarding my kids (now S7 and D4). I've gotten grief over it,  and learned I was bad mouthed to others for this.  My mother never engaged in such blatant shaming of me,  however. That's extremely hurtful.  What specifically concerns you about letting your mother be a part of your new life? We here could guess a lot,  but we don't want to assume.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
_Joy_

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 7


« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2017, 11:17:44 AM »

Thanks, Turkish! We're very excited for our little one.

What specifically concerns you about letting your mother be a part of your new life? We here could guess a lot,  but we don't want to assume.


People keep telling me I need to think about the kid and how it would effect him/her to not have a relationship with my mom. This is very insulting because I think about this A LOT. I think about how she will call my child fat or ugly. I think about how she will call my child a liar when he/she tries to tell her something important. I think about how confusing it will be for my child to be so hurt by someone who is supposed to love you. I just don't see her adding anything positive to my child's life at this point.

Thanks for asking because it felt good to vent about that!

 
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Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
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Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2017, 11:28:37 PM »

Being here among fellow travelers, you're neither alone, nor among those who don't understand.

Cutting off all contact may be necessary in some cases,  but it may be more helpful to learn to establish boundaries,  and doing so can also help you heal.

Keeping in mind I'm a male, so was by biology sheltered a bit,  my mom used to tell me she was homely. 5 or 6 or 7, I remember this. 

Fast forward 30 plus years... .2 years ago, a stranger at a restaurant commented on how beautiful my then D3 was.  My mom said.  "People shouldn't say that,  focusing on beauty.  That's what's wrong with society!" This was on earshot of my daughter.  I was fuming, but didn't say anything.  Interestingly,  I heard first hand and also second hand how my mom would show pictures and tell people on her small rural community how handsome my son was. Pointing out this hypocrisy wouldn't be helpful.

Her comments, like those of your mother,  are about how she views herself.

If I were still on contact with my mother  I might have to lay down a boundary there. 
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
DaughterOf

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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Posts: 13


« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2017, 09:09:38 AM »

Thank you, DaughterOf! It does kind of feel fierce! When I made the decision that my mother wouldn't have a relationship with my child, I felt like a strong mama bear. Smiling (click to insert in post) It's the first parenting decision I've made and I know it was a good one. Unlike my mother, I will do anything for my child, and that includes protecting him/her from my toxic mother.

You go, strong mama bear!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Your child will need you: your love, your protection, and your sanity. Whatever can help you provide those things is good in my book.

Quote from: _Joy_
People keep telling me I need to think about the kid and how it would effect him/her to not have a relationship with my mom. This is very insulting because I think about this A LOT. I think about how she will call my child fat or ugly. I think about how she will call my child a liar when he/she tries to tell her something important. I think about how confusing it will be for my child to be so hurt by someone who is supposed to love you. I just don't see her adding anything positive to my child's life at this point.

It's so hurtful and harmful when someone who you expect to love you commits violence against you (I'm including emotional violence here). You've suffered from it. There's no reason your child should.

That said, grandchildren can change things. She might learn how to temper her rage and hurtful behaviors in order to have a relationship. My mother was able to do that when I told her very clearly that it was shape up or no relationship. With my mom, it was a long shot, but she came through. I hope your mom can also find the maturity and grace to come through for you. Has she ever been able to control herself / manage herself when it mattered?
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