This might seem counter intuitive, but you may glean wisdom from some of the tools in the Improving Board:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190After all, all of us here are still "in" these relationships to varying degrees.
What is probably happening here is projection, or projective identification ("I have feelings of neglect, therefore my son is neglected". Stepping away from getting lost in the psychology, which we can only guess at, it looks like your child's mother is feeling anxiety. Given the projection, you may as well (or at the very least frustration, even anger). I felt it when my kids were babies, and I still get it from time to time.
Last evening, she dropped off something she forgot for D4, which she should have dripped off at school (I took a half day and picked both kids up from school for my weekend). She noticed D4's lips were dry and asked if I had chap stick. I replied that I had Aquaphor, which is better. I went into the back room to put some on my finger. As I approached our daughter, her mom asked, "did you wash your hands?" I ignored her and put on the balm. She asked me again. I ignored her and finished. I got no further static.
I had actually washed my hands within the last half hour in the bathroom, and was also doing laundry, which she knew because the garage was open. The old me would have gotten pissed off and at a minimum responded sarcastically, which wouldn't have been good in front of the kids. I didn't even BIFF it. This communication tool may work for you verbally . I've used it in this manner from time to time:
TOOLS: Responding to hostile emailWe have a saying here: "validate the valid, invalidate the invalid."
The
feeling that your kid is being neglected is valid, but the
fact that he's being neglected isn't. Using the communication tools like SET, you might be able to deflect some of this. My personal view of this is to use it tactically of it helps the overall strategy. The strategy being that you'll likely have contact through the college years, but you need to keep your own sanity to be an effective, healthy parent.
For instance, I mistakenly, in retrospect, thought it was safe to invite my ex to Christmas In the park. However, the dynamic of blame and anxiety were the same add on our r/s (I picked up on her mood when we stopped by her parent's house to pick her up and I was instantly feeling it was a bad idea). I was blamed for not watching S6 when he tripped on a curb and twisted his ankle (as if I could have prevented it even if I were watching him). Didn't feel the need to validate then.
Dig into the tools, some of which it sounds like you already may know. Choose your battles wisely.
Is this helpful at all?