I feel so guilty and helpless

[JJJJJJJ]

My daughter's mother has been a total nightmare for 17 years. Only recently did she receive BPD diagnosis. She denies it but it makes perfect sense. Absolutely. I feel so guilty and helpless because of all the damage she has done my daughter. She's alienated her from me and my family, caused incredible distress for everyone, and even though over the past 8 years I have made huge strides and my daughter and I have a great relationship now (ours has improved while her relationship with her BPD mom has become extremely strained), I feel so guilty for not being able to do more and for not being able to handle her Mom. I see all these huge issues my daughter is dealing with that are so common with a BPD parent and I feel like I couldn't save her. I have her in therapy now and it is really helping but I just feel so hopeless and helpless and traumatized by her Mom and I can't begin to imagine how my daughter feels. I have so much resentment for all she has put the two of us through --- at one point she even had someone else's name put on my daughter's birth certificate instead of mine --- it has been a total nightmare and I feel so much like a failure for not being able to save my daughter from all this. Even when she's got an issue that is a direct result of her Mom I feel like it is indirectly my fault.

[david]

Starting to walk out of the fog can be painful. I found a therapist that helped me see my part in the relationship. That helped me get my bearings straight and then I was better able to help our two boys. They are 18 and 13 now and things are much improved. I have a great relationship with them and their mom has pushed them away by her behavior. You and your daughter need time to process things. Using the past as a guide you can look forward to a better future. It does get better.

[takingandsending]

Hey, JJJJJJJ

I am so sorry to hear about the distress your daughter is going through. Children with BPD parents do not have it easy. And you are not alone in feeling remorse and helplessness in bringing a child into the world with a marginally functioning parent that can and often does cause your child harm. I am in the midst of this as well, with a S5 and S11. Feeling like a failure is part of what we deal with, and probably, maybe on some level, why we found our BPD partners in the first place.

But there are really good tools on this web site that can help you learn how to put yourself back together so that you can be there for your daughter. She needs you. She needs a secure and healthy emotional attachment to a parent, and you have more resources to provide that than your D's mother.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation right now? Are you still living with BPDmom? If not, what is the custody arrangement like?

Hang in there. As david says, it really does get better ... .for both you and your daughter, if you keep taking the small steps that you need to be healthy yourself. You are not alone, and there are a whole lot of folks here who can help with advice, understanding and experience. 

[Panda39]

Hi JJJJJJJ,

We all want to be the best parents we can be and none of us is perfect.

I was married 20 years to an alcoholic and my SO (significant other) was married to his uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) for 17.  All of our children have felt the effects of our dysfunctional marriages.  We were not perfect, we stayed for various reasons, and we were co-dependent.  We were not perfect but thank goodness our kids had us to give some normalcy, some stability, give them love, and to meet more of their needs than would have been met had we been absent. I would like to add that since we left those relationships our children are thriving... .It isn't always perfect, it isn't always wonderful, the kids have some "fleas" (learned behaviors from the dysfunctional parent) but they are happy, working, going to school, hanging out with friends etc... .IMO much of the damage can be undone, with support, therapy and healthy examples... .kids are resilient.

I would stop focusing on what you did or didn't do in the past (other than what you can learn from those experiences)... .what's done is done.

Focus on now and the future.  Show your daughter what a good example you can be now and going forward. You might feel guilty, but you are by no means helpless.  You are doing something right the improved relationship with your daughter should tell you that, you have got her going to therapy, and you obviously care deeply for her, these are all positive things. (I got all of those goods things just from your short post  )

I also want to say own what is yours to own, but don't take the blame that should lie elsewhere... .Don't beat yourself up. (You might consider therapy for yourself too if the guilt is too overwhelming  )

I'm glad you posted and have joined the group.  Please keep reaching out the members here are great at giving ideas, support and a listening ear.

Take Care,
Panda39