Trying to find strength

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Firstly I wanted to say that I don't know what I would of done without this board and I wanted to thank everyone that has posted on here with their stories, viewpoints and advice. The mere fact that there are others out there that either understand what I have been going through or are going through the same thing themselves has provided me with so much comfort, and stopped me from feeling that I was either completely alone, or crazy.

I'm not yet ready to tell my whole story, the wounds are still too fresh. However, I have been NC, from my BPDexgf for 9 weeks now - without trying to be over dramatic, the last 9 or so weeks have been by far the worst time of my life. Without going into the whole story, I will give an outline of what's happened and where I am. My ex hunted me down, she was the one that started everything, she found me and came after me hard in the begining and she sold me a picture of someone that I now realise wasn't real, but was everything I wanted to her to be. I had never met someone so beautiful (and I'm lucky to have been with some very beautiful women), someone apparently so full of energy, charisma and life. My guard was completely up when i met her, and I wasn't expecting to fall for her like I did, but I was completely seduced by everything she had to offer, and the promises she made. I'm sure everyone is familiar with the song and dance - She couldn't believe how much she was attracted to me, she had never felt like this so quickly, she could see us being married, she wanted us to buy a place together, she wanted a short engagement, I was the one she knew she was going to spend the rest of her life with etc. In the end we were only together 5 months, but it was more intense than the 6 year relationship I had come out of around 8 months before. The whole thing was a surprise for me, I wasn't one to fall so quick, and was usually guarded but the way she treated me and the things she was saying just blew my mind, and melted me. And yet I now realise there were so many red flags I ignored, even right at the beginning that if only i realised would of saved me all the hurt that followed. I now realise the classic symptoms of BPD were all there, there was mirroring, drastic mood swings, addictions, anger, acting out, issues with her family members especially her dad, very bad night terrors, fear of abandonment, bad previous relationships which were always to do with her ex's treating her bad or displaying unreasonable behaviour,  push pull, devaluation, impulsiveness, she had feelings of emptiness, there was over-spending, I was trinangulated with an ex, humiliated and embarrassed. I have no doubt at all that my ex is BPD, even though she has not been diagnosed (although I'm not entirely sure she isn't aware, as she is in therapy and has had mental health issues for sometime - although she always used to ask me if I thought she was bipolar!), she literally ticked every single bit of the BPD criteria. I just wish I knew early on in our relationship so I could of maybe of helped her properly and saved myself the heartbreak that followed.

When she told me at the beginning of our relationship that she was suffering with diagnosed anxiety, panic attacks, headaches and depression - that she was on different medications and receiving therapy and had tried to kill herself on two occasions, I should of reaslised that there was more going on than I could cope with. But she seemed so together at that point and so self assured, and so crazy about me, that I empathised with her. I admired her openess and honesty and I thought that because I had also suffered with depression some years back (which i believed I had now beaten - how wrong i was), I believed that if I could show her enough patience, love and understanding, I could heal her too and take care of her. I was completely niave to what I was taking on because she hadn't really shown her full self yet.

Once she had me on the hook with promises of what an amazing life we would have, suddenly her behaviour started to gradually change. It was very slow in the beginning, small pockets of devaluation and mood swings, which gradualy became more common with increasingly bizarre behaviour and rants. The push pull completely confused me, one day she wanted to marry me, the next day it was all too much and she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me. The person I went to sleep with was never the person I woke up with - in fact I never knew who I was going to wake up with. The worst times always came after an amazing occasion, or an amazing night/date etc. The problem was that by the time this behaviour started and got more frequent I had already fallen for her and I couldn't get out. I don't know why, I just couldnt. It was like all logic had gone out the window. It was always sudden and the verbal attacks from her became more common and her behaviour more irrational. She would constantly build me up, then put me down, sometimes in front of other people. She had learnt the things that were my biggest insecurities in what I thought were moments of honesty and begun to use them against me to win arguments are to make me feel bad. This then turned into being dumped out of the blue, followed by periods of silence and then after a few days she would call out the blue and ask to see me and tell me she was sorry and wanted us to be together and was just freaking out because of how special we were together, and she could see us being together for the rest of her life -and she couldn't believe that she had risked loosing me. I now realise I was being recycled on numerous occasions - I was always pulled back in, it didn't matter that I knew deep down that the behaviour wasn't normal and I knew it would all happen again, I had fallen for this girl and logic had gone out the window. I gradually completely lost myself , and as she more gradually started to mess with me, with more put downs etc, I lost my confidence and self worth. Just longing to get the girl back that I had fallen madly in love with. At times she was there, and there were glimpses and good moments, which could sometimes last for days... .and then suddenly out of the blue, she couldn't stand me again or the relationship was too much for her, she didn't know how she felt etc. I have never been so confused. I was constantly walking on eggshells, it was like riding a rodeo bull, desperately trying to cling on.

When the last time she broke up with me came around  - it was particularly brutal. In a way I could never possibly of imagined. I would never of believed that this girl that I protected and looked after and cared for could ever of treated another person like that, let alone me. It again followed a period of time where she was telling me the most amazing stuff, and promising me that she would never risk losing me again. Then suddenly she once again pulled the rug. The instant dismissal of me, of everything we were, the smearing and her vanishing out of my life literally overnight - were more than I realised I could take after the months proceeding it. I lost all the blocks that I built up, that were holding me up, and I crumbled, like I have never crumbled before.

That was 9 weeks ago now. The only thing I was lucky with was that I had sufferered with clinicaly depressed episodes before so when I started to completely fall apart I knew I needed help. I had no support network as family and friends couldn't understand how a girl could make me lose my way like this, but they didn't really understand what had been going over the period of a few months and how it (she) had effected my stability. I was lower than I have ever been in my whole life, when she destroyed me - and I used the word destroyed on purpose - because at the very end it almost felt like she knew what she was doing and wanted to break me. It even seemed like she enjoyed it and enjoyed the drama she created. Again, i purposely haven't gone through the whole story and what exactly happened yet as it's still too raw - but she didn't just finish things like a normal person would - she acted suddenly out of the blue, just when things were at a new peak between us and put things in motion that would completely break any normal person - and by that time in our relationship she knew these things would of hurt me deeply. But she did them and she didn't care and obviously the anger and blame for behaviour was focussed at me even though I was completely shell shocked.

So when it all eventually came to a halt - I had completely lost myself, and no longer knew who I was. I was completely and totally heartbroken on top of it. However, as I said above my knowledge of mental illness somehow stopped me from doing the very bad things I wanted to do to myself and seek help. I saw a doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist, who put me on double doses of anti depressants and sleeping tablets. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety and ptsd and I started therapy and hypnotherapy, and made a conserted effort to put some of the 3 stone in weight I lost back on.

Though there was previous recycling that happened numerous times in our relationship, the behaviour she displayed on this occasion was so so bad, that I believe this time she is gone for good (most likely) For two reasons - 1 she has to save face and can not admit to herself or anyone else how bad she's behaved, as admitting guilt would make her whole being crumble from beneath her - her whole world would literally come falling down. And 2, on this occasion, I made what I thought was an error at the time (I spent weeks thinking that I was wrong for doing this and blaming myself) - I told her in no uncertain terms in the most honest and maybe harsh way, what I thought of her behaviour, the way she acts and how she had treated me  and others over the last few months. I did something that the people around her who enable her to act the way she does have been scared to do and i put a mirror in front of her face. Her only option is to paint me black which she well and truly has, otherwise she would of had to acknowledge the truth in what I said, and that's i something she could never do.

So what am I trying to say here... .I'm not really sure. I guess I'm trying to say that it's been the worst 9 weeks of my life. I realise one person triggered it, but the only person that can fix me is me, and I'm working hard to fix myself. I have good days and very very bad days - but right now I'm ok - and weeks ago I would of given anything just to feel ok  - so ok will do for now. And as for her. Well I'm still very heartbroken. My judgement has never been so off before, I truly believed that this was the girl I was going to marry. I've been in relationships before and never had the same lightbulb moment, and I really believed that her behaviour was just her insecurity as opposed to a larger mental illness. Even though it's clear to me that that is the case, and I know that I couldn't of fixed it, I still feel that there is a major part of me missing, and I still can't help thinking about her and what we had. There are many times that I question whether she even was ill and whether I imagined what happened - it was obviously all my fault. Then I have a moment of clarity and remember the times that I knew her behaviour wasn't right, and that by blaming myself i am looking for excuses for her in case she comes back. It seems much easier to blame myself. Some days I wake up and regardless of everything, I still miss her so bad and then I get angry at missing someone who could treat me so appallingly. I still have days where I'm lonely and sad and can't stop thinking of her, but I'm so much better than I was 9 weeks ago. Because 9 weeks ago I never thought I'd get through it. A lot of that goes down to going NC and working on myself and a lot of the power and strength to do that came from coming on these boards daily and reading other people's stories and thoughts. I don't know how I've had the strength not to get in touch with her, but it feels like it's the last card I have left to play and I've committed to it regardless of how desperate I am to hear her voice again or see her face. I just don't want to give her the pleasure.

I'm going to try to keep strong - as much as I still feel empty and miss her, and as much as I'm sad and lonely. I have to believe that good things will come to good people and karma will look after her. The crazy things is I know deep down that if she called me later on tonight and told me she needed me, I'd probably still be there in a flash even after the hell she's put me through. But I also know that part of this process is working on myself enough to make sure that if she does ever call me for a recycling attempt, i have the strength to tell her to go away and leave me alone. It's so up and down for me at the moment but I'm trying so hard to find the value in myself even though I feel so broken, and move away from her in my body and mind.

[Figuringitout78]

Firstly I wanted to say that I don't know what I would of done without this board and I wanted to thank everyone that has posted on here with their stories, viewpoints and advice. The mere fact that there are others out there that either understand what I have been going through or are going through the same thing themselves has provided me with so much comfort, and stopped me from feeling that I was either completely alone, or crazy.

I'm not yet ready to tell my whole story, the wounds are still too fresh. However, I have been NC, from my BPDexgf for 9 weeks now - without trying to be over dramatic, the last 9 or so weeks have been by far the worst time of my life. Without going into the whole story, I will give an outline of what's happened and where I am. My ex hunted me down, she was the one that started everything, she found me and came after me hard in the begining and she sold me a picture of someone that I now realise wasn't real, but was everything I wanted to her to be. I had never met someone so beautiful (and I'm lucky to have been with some very beautiful women), someone apparently so full of energy, charisma and life. My guard was completely up when i met her, and I wasn't expecting to fall for her like I did, but I was completely seduced by everything she had to offer, and the promises she made. I'm sure everyone is familiar with the song and dance - She couldn't believe how much she was attracted to me, she had never felt like this so quickly, she could see us being married, she wanted us to buy a place together, she wanted a short engagement, I was the one she knew she was going to spend the rest of her life with etc. In the end we were only together 5 months, but it was more intense than the 6 year relationship I had come out of around 8 months before. The whole thing was a surprise for me, I wasn't one to fall so quick, and was usually guarded but the way she treated me and the things she was saying just blew my mind, and melted me. And yet I now realise there were so many red flags I ignored, even right at the beginning that if only i realised would of saved me all the hurt that followed. I now realise the classic symptoms of BPD were all there, there was mirroring, drastic mood swings, addictions, anger, acting out, issues with her family members especially her dad, very bad night terrors, fear of abandonment, bad previous relationships which were always to do with her ex's treating her bad or displaying unreasonable behaviour,  push pull, devaluation, impulsiveness, she had feelings of emptiness, there was over-spending, I was trinangulated with an ex, humiliated and embarrassed. I have no doubt at all that my ex is BPD, even though she has not been diagnosed (although I'm not entirely sure she isn't aware, as she is in therapy and has had mental health issues for sometime - although she always used to ask me if I thought she was bipolar!), she literally ticked every single bit of the BPD criteria. I just wish I knew early on in our relationship so I could of maybe of helped her properly and saved myself the heartbreak that followed.

When she told me at the beginning of our relationship that she was suffering with diagnosed anxiety, panic attacks, headaches and depression - that she was on different medications and receiving therapy and had tried to kill herself on two occasions, I should of reaslised that there was more going on than I could cope with. But she seemed so together at that point and so self assured, and so crazy about me, that I empathised with her. I admired her openess and honesty and I thought that because I had also suffered with depression some years back (which i believed I had now beaten - how wrong i was), I believed that if I could show her enough patience, love and understanding, I could heal her too and take care of her. I was completely niave to what I was taking on because she hadn't really shown her full self yet.

Once she had me on the hook with promises of what an amazing life we would have, suddenly her behaviour started to gradually change. It was very slow in the beginning, small pockets of devaluation and mood swings, which gradualy became more common with increasingly bizarre behaviour and rants. The push pull completely confused me, one day she wanted to marry me, the next day it was all too much and she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me. The person I went to sleep with was never the person I woke up with - in fact I never knew who I was going to wake up with. The worst times always came after an amazing occasion, or an amazing night/date etc. The problem was that by the time this behaviour started and got more frequent I had already fallen for her and I couldn't get out. I don't know why, I just couldnt. It was like all logic had gone out the window. It was always sudden and the verbal attacks from her became more common and her behaviour more irrational. She would constantly build me up, then put me down, sometimes in front of other people. She had learnt the things that were my biggest insecurities in what I thought were moments of honesty and begun to use them against me to win arguments are to make me feel bad. This then turned into being dumped out of the blue, followed by periods of silence and then after a few days she would call out the blue and ask to see me and tell me she was sorry and wanted us to be together and was just freaking out because of how special we were together, and she could see us being together for the rest of her life -and she couldn't believe that she had risked loosing me. I now realise I was being recycled on numerous occasions - I was always pulled back in, it didn't matter that I knew deep down that the behaviour wasn't normal and I knew it would all happen again, I had fallen for this girl and logic had gone out the window. I gradually completely lost myself , and as she more gradually started to mess with me, with more put downs etc, I lost my confidence and self worth. Just longing to get the girl back that I had fallen madly in love with. At times she was there, and there were glimpses and good moments, which could sometimes last for days... .and then suddenly out of the blue, she couldn't stand me again or the relationship was too much for her, she didn't know how she felt etc. I have never been so confused. I was constantly walking on eggshells, it was like riding a rodeo bull, desperately trying to cling on.

When the last time she broke up with me came around  - it was particularly brutal. In a way I could never possibly of imagined. I would never of believed that this girl that I protected and looked after and cared for could ever of treated another person like that, let alone me. It again followed a period of time where she was telling me the most amazing stuff, and promising me that she would never risk losing me again. Then suddenly she once again pulled the rug. The instant dismissal of me, of everything we were, the smearing and her vanishing out of my life literally overnight - were more than I realised I could take after the months proceeding it. I lost all the blocks that I built up, that were holding me up, and I crumbled, like I have never crumbled before.

That was 9 weeks ago now. The only thing I was lucky with was that I had sufferered with clinicaly depressed episodes before so when I started to completely fall apart I knew I needed help. I had no support network as family and friends couldn't understand how a girl could make me lose my way like this, but they didn't really understand what had been going over the period of a few months and how it (she) had effected my stability. I was lower than I have ever been in my whole life, when she destroyed me - and I used the word destroyed on purpose - because at the very end it almost felt like she knew what she was doing and wanted to break me. It even seemed like she enjoyed it and enjoyed the drama she created. Again, i purposely haven't gone through the whole story and what exactly happened yet as it's still too raw - but she didn't just finish things like a normal person would - she acted suddenly out of the blue, just when things were at a new peak between us and put things in motion that would completely break any normal person - and by that time in our relationship she knew these things would of hurt me deeply. But she did them and she didn't care and obviously the anger and blame for behaviour was focussed at me even though I was completely shell shocked.

So when it all eventually came to a halt - I had completely lost myself, and no longer knew who I was. I was completely and totally heartbroken on top of it. However, as I said above my knowledge of mental illness somehow stopped me from doing the very bad things I wanted to do to myself and seek help. I saw a doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist, who put me on double doses of anti depressants and sleeping tablets. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety and ptsd and I started therapy and hypnotherapy, and made a conserted effort to put some of the 3 stone in weight I lost back on.

Though there was previous recycling that happened numerous times in our relationship, the behaviour she displayed on this occasion was so so bad, that I believe this time she is gone for good (most likely) For two reasons - 1 she has to save face and can not admit to herself or anyone else how bad she's behaved, as admitting guilt would make her whole being crumble from beneath her - her whole world would literally come falling down. And 2, on this occasion, I made what I thought was an error at the time (I spent weeks thinking that I was wrong for doing this and blaming myself) - I told her in no uncertain terms in the most honest and maybe harsh way, what I thought of her behaviour, the way she acts and how she had treated me  and others over the last few months. I did something that the people around her who enable her to act the way she does have been scared to do and i put a mirror in front of her face. Her only option is to paint me black which she well and truly has, otherwise she would of had to acknowledge the truth in what I said, and that's i something she could never do.

So what am I trying to say here... .I'm not really sure. I guess I'm trying to say that it's been the worst 9 weeks of my life. I realise one person triggered it, but the only person that can fix me is me, and I'm working hard to fix myself. I have good days and very very bad days - but right now I'm ok - and weeks ago I would of given anything just to feel ok  - so ok will do for now. And as for her. Well I'm still very heartbroken. My judgement has never been so off before, I truly believed that this was the girl I was going to marry. I've been in relationships before and never had the same lightbulb moment, and I really believed that her behaviour was just her insecurity as opposed to a larger mental illness. Even though it's clear to me that that is the case, and I know that I couldn't of fixed it, I still feel that there is a major part of me missing, and I still can't help thinking about her and what we had. There are many times that I question whether she even was ill and whether I imagined what happened - it was obviously all my fault. Then I have a moment of clarity and remember the times that I knew her behaviour wasn't right, and that by blaming myself i am looking for excuses for her in case she comes back. It seems much easier to blame myself. Some days I wake up and regardless of everything, I still miss her so bad and then I get angry at missing someone who could treat me so appallingly. I still have days where I'm lonely and sad and can't stop thinking of her, but I'm so much better than I was 9 weeks ago. Because 9 weeks ago I never thought I'd get through it. A lot of that goes down to going NC and working on myself and a lot of the power and strength to do that came from coming on these boards daily and reading other people's stories and thoughts. I don't know how I've had the strength not to get in touch with her, but it feels like it's the last card I have left to play and I've committed to it regardless of how desperate I am to hear her voice again or see her face. I just don't want to give her the pleasure.

I'm going to try to keep strong - as much as I still feel empty and miss her, and as much as I'm sad and lonely. I have to believe that good things will come to good people and karma will look after her. The crazy things is I know deep down that if she called me later on tonight and told me she needed me, I'd probably still be there in a flash even after the hell she's put me through. But I also know that part of this process is working on myself enough to make sure that if she does ever call me for a recycling attempt, i have the strength to tell her to go away and leave me alone. It's so up and down for me at the moment but I'm trying so hard to find the value in myself even though I feel so broken, and move away from her in my body and mind.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Figuringitout76,



I don't even know you, but I'm proud of you.   You have been through a lot, and I commend you for taking care of yourself in the face of an emotionally loaded relationship. It can be so very difficult to let go of someone with whom we have such a bond—it takes strength and self-love to do that—and your ability to acknowledge that and take steps to change your behavior is admirable.

I'm sorry you had to go through that with your girlfriend. BPD is indeed a sad disorder, for both pwBPD and his/her loved ones. The dynamic that develops in romantic relationships between pwBPD and the partner can be  destructive.

I'm so glad to hear that you have been reading the site and the message boards. This site, along with NC and therapy, really helped me get over my relationship with pwBPD. The breakup hurt me like nothing I had previously experienced, and I felt terrible during the grieving process—I think I was experiencing situational depression.

The article below helped me so much when I got here. If you haven't seen it, I'd love to know what you think. There was a moment for me when I saw the fantasy for what it was and hope just died. From then on, I was free and ready to start the process of rebuilding myself, so to speak.

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

Keep posting. Things really DO get better, and you can thrive again. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[marti644]

Figuringitout,

Thank you so much for your story. It is amazing how similiar most of our stories are. The loneliness and crazy-making is much reduced when we see so many people have gone through almost identical experiences. My story is similiar to yours, and lasted for 8 months. I had come out of a very seriously and relatively normal relationship about a year and a half before. It wasn't perfect but it wasn't the chaos of my BPD relationship. I realize now that I was still recovering from the loss of my other relationship when I started dating my BPD-ex.

Do you think maybe that your boundaries were weakened by your emotional fragility following your other relationship? Do you think you were ready to commit to something else so soon after?

I now think that was one of my potential problems. If I had been more emotionally aware I would have noticed some of those red flags that are very clear to me now.

Also don't be so hard on yourself. You probably are alot strong than you think if your NC for nine weeks. This usually means that they realize they can't manipulate you anymore. As soon as the game is up they run, because they can't face themselves. They usually burn all bridges and move on, it is their only way to survive in their emotional world. Sad really. But luck for you because you can build a stronger normal relationship with someone else.

Keep strong my friend!

[ynwa]

Hey there Figuring.  You have done a great job of putting down your thoughts and feelings. I can see you are going through a lot and still able to find perspective.  As heartandwhole said, it's not easy to step back and look at what happened without feeling divided.  But I see in your words, honesty and caring for yourself and your loved one.  Having boundaries and creating space for yourself are not bad things.

She clearly did not destroy you.  You are right there, and even feeling as you do, you are making strides to move forward.  I felt very much the same way, isolated and alone.  It takes time, and I'm sure you have seen it get better. And I'm not trying to make what you have been through a small thing, I'm seeing and telling you a stronger person is emerging through the other side.

You are not broken, you got this.  The trick I think is figuring out what "this" is right?

Thank you for sharing, truly!

Ynwa