I am concernerd with both scenarios: being recycled back into the relationship as well as physical violence.
I'm also concerned with protecting my emotional well being and recovery from this experience.
I am not at a place, yet, where I feel that I would be strong enough to resist him, but I'm getting there.
I'm very sorry to hear about all this. It's very painful. I know.
It's far too short a time to even consider communicating or any type of interaction.
You've just started on the road to recovery.
Are you working with a counsellor/therapist? I would recommend it. It tends to make the healing process faster and more effective, and offers an extra layer of protection.
Given the reaction you are aware he can provoke in you, I think the only answer is cut
all possible forms of communication and maintain No Contact. Clearly, there are potential consequences other than emotional and psychological devastation.
If he shows up at your residence, call the police.
If he continues to harass you, there are legal avenues you can pursue. This may seem shocking and excessive to you, some even feel ashamed or embarrassed - but it's reasonably commonplace in these relationships - [We've seen it all!] - and safety comes
first.
We had 3 episodes of physical violence in our relationship, but it was me that assaulted him after EXTREME provocation. I felt embarrassed and so terrible about myself afterwards. I am not an angry or violent person by any means, so the fact that I did that to him made me question myself and my sanity.
Make 2 lists.
1. Write down a list of every negative thing you can remember about the relationship. Nothing is too trivial.
Include this in it.
Whenever you feel weak - read it. If he makes any attempt to recycle you - read it.
Being recycled back into this relationship, could be extremely dangerous.
One minute you are hoping things can go back to the way they were, next minute you are in court for assault charges, or even some totally false allegations.
2. Make another list.
This list should contain everything you are grateful for in your life right now.
And all of the things that you can do now, that you could not do when you were in the relationship with him.
Really though, he knew what he was doing to incite the reaction and it only helped to serve his projection and manipulation tactics... ."Oh you are crazy, you hit me all the time, you think its okay to disrespect me, you have issues" blah blah blah. Never acknowledging or admitting to HIS behavior and actions that led to me blowing up. He never hit me back, but there were several separate instances where I ignored him or had gained the upper hand in a disagreement and he balled up his fists and got in my face.
When you review what you have written here, about his behaviour and his provocation - do you consider that loving?
I'm not judging you for your reaction at all - I've been there. I've been the one doing the fist balling. I've been driven to jumping up and down in exasperation.
But it's important to recognise, while he has mental health issues - we also have issues that we need to address in ourselves.
Such as why we have continue to endure a person who treats us like this and provokes us like this.
This is one of the places where a therapist can help us a lot
I now recognize that he is mentally ill, and it makes it even harder because I still have love in my heart for him and the good times we shared.
I think we have all expressed this exact sentiment.
Your perspective will change with time and distance tho.
What is the best way to act if I see him? Do I acknowledge him? Or do I pretend I dont know him and walk the other way?
Totally Ignore.
Call the police if you are being harassed.
Do not be drawn into any attempts to discuss reasons why the relationship ended. Best case, it would temporarily relieve your guilt, but any logical or rational reason you give, is likely to be interpreted as 'shaming' to them.
That can result in extremely unpredictable behaviour.
If you absolutely must give a reason, then make everything your fault:
'I'm not capable of being in a relationship, you were right, I have issues, I'm working with a therapist, he says I'm too toxic and I've hurt you too much. It's not fair to you. I don't want to be the source of your pain any more'
I would recommend you read this article; it may provide further insight into your current and past experiences in this relationship:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
