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Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
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She is doing better?
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Topic: She is doing better? (Read 377 times)
hurting300
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She is doing better?
«
on:
February 22, 2017, 07:25:39 AM »
Why do I keep thinking she is doing better in life without me? Two years later I still feel like I was the one holding her back. That really bothers me. I mean I do want her happy and successful but I swear I tried to help.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Sunfl0wer
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Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #1 on:
February 22, 2017, 07:31:29 AM »
Hopefully you can forgive yourself for not being responsible for another persons mental well being and happiness.
Forgiving myself for things has been a struggle at time. Much easier for me to beat myself up. Just here and there, doing my best.
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
hurting300
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Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #2 on:
February 22, 2017, 07:46:47 AM »
Quote from: Sunfl0wer on February 22, 2017, 07:31:29 AM
Hopefully you can forgive yourself for not being responsible for another persons mental well being and happiness.
Forgiving myself for things has been a struggle at time. Much easier for me to beat myself up. Just here and there, doing my best.
Its just something that bothers me. I begged her to do good and finish college when she was with me. Now she actually finished. That hit me. And I really started blaming myself.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Lucky Jim
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Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #3 on:
February 22, 2017, 09:20:16 AM »
Hey hurting300, The bottom line is: you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult, as Sunflower notes. Suggest you let it go. Also, if she suffers from BPD, I doubt she is doing as well as you think. There's no magic bullet or cure for BPD, as you know. Happiness for a pwBPD is a fleeting thing, so any lasting change seems unlikely. My advice: Don't beat yourself up! Be kind to yourself. Time to forgive yourself? You're human, my friend.
LuckyJim
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
bus boy
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Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #4 on:
February 22, 2017, 10:26:22 AM »
I know exactly how you feel. I like what sunFlOwer said. It think most of us struggle with " they doing better". I'm learning to observe Xw's actions. She is getting worse to parent with not better, how does your ex act towards you when you see her? My Xw looks and talks to me like I'm a nothing, stocks and harasses my sister so if your ex acts like this in anyway, I would say he/she is not doing better, has not detached and moved on. In a normal split up people are usually after a short period of time civil towards each other.
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hurting300
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Re: She is doing better?
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Reply #5 on:
February 22, 2017, 08:26:51 PM »
Well it's just odd she was so lazy when she was with me. Now she works goes back to school. Granted I'm not around her. I don't want to be. But to the outside world I look guilty as hell.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
marti644
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Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #6 on:
February 23, 2017, 04:25:10 AM »
hurting300,
Don't be so hard on yourself. You may not realize it yet but you are likely the reason she did better. She has her various reasons for being so stuck in her cycle because of the disorder that have nothing to do with you, but maybe you should consider that you had a good impact on her?
Have consolation that you helped someone, you planted the seed of that decision most likely.
Also ask yourself, were you trying to help her to go to school for you or for her? Shouldn't you just be happy she is getting an education? Why does it matter that it started after your relationship is over? Why is her going to school good or bad in connection with your feelings?
I know in my case if I really analyze my rescuer complex I was actually shaping her into the person I wanted her to be, instead of who she actually was. Which is not healthy. Just a thought to ponder.
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Sunfl0wer
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Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #7 on:
February 23, 2017, 04:30:15 AM »
Sometimes a person needs for others to quit helping them in order to reach down inside them to find some inner resoirces that they didn't know they had in them.
Excerpt
Well it's just odd she was so lazy when she was with me. Now she works goes back to school.
Is it possible there was a bit of drama triangle going on when you were with her, you wanting to take the rols as rescuer?
If so, this could be a worthy lesson to visit so you can look for ways to address a rescuer tendency in yourself. This is something that you can discuss here and we can help you help yourself vs comiserate with you.
Treating folks like they are capable is empowering them with tools to help themself vs rescuing/saving them. :thought:Maybe you can find some tools to work on for your own healing? Or look up drama triangle and ask questions about it?
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
hurting300
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Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #8 on:
February 23, 2017, 04:44:59 AM »
Quote from: Sunfl0wer on February 23, 2017, 04:30:15 AM
Sometimes a person needs for others to quit helping them in order to reach down inside them to find some inner resoirces that they didn't know they had in them.
Is it possible there was a bit of drama triangle going on when you were with her, you wanting to take the rols as rescuer?
If so, this could be a worthy lesson to visit so you can look for ways to address a rescuer tendency in yourself. This is something that you can discuss here and we can help you help yourself vs comiserate with you.
Treating folks like they are capable is empowering them with tools to help themself vs rescuing/saving them. :thought:Maybe you can find some tools to work on for your own healing? Or look up drama triangle and ask questions about it?
Yes and No? I mean I own rental property now. I didn't have much when I was with her. When I would mention us working towards that goal and what we had to do she'd talk about how her ex's family had all this property and she dismissed me. I never "rescued" her. I simply wanted her to help out. She quit school she wouldn't work she expected me to pay her and I did. Now she's back in school and works. It's confusing.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
hurting300
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292
Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #9 on:
February 23, 2017, 04:46:37 AM »
Quote from: marti644 on February 23, 2017, 04:25:10 AM
hurting300,
Don't be so hard on yourself. You may not realize it yet but you are likely the reason she did better. She has her various reasons for being so stuck in her cycle because of the disorder that have nothing to do with you, but maybe you should consider that you had a good impact on her?
Have consolation that you helped someone, you planted the seed of that decision most likely.
Also ask yourself, were you trying to help her to go to school for you or for her? Shouldn't you just be happy she is getting an education? Why does it matter that it started after your relationship is over? Why is her going to school good or bad in connection with your feelings?
I know in my case if I really analyze my rescuer complex I was actually shaping her into the person I wanted her to be, instead of who she actually was. Which is not healthy. Just a thought to ponder.
No I didn't try shaping her I don't think. I would tell her that she is capable of so much in life. Things like that.
Logged
In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
marti644
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 313
Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #10 on:
February 23, 2017, 04:49:54 AM »
Hurting,
What bothers you specifically about her going to school now? I suggest trying to answer the question in detail for yourself so you can uncover why it bothers you so much. I feel similar sorts of hurt about my BPD-ex improving after she bailed.
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hurting300
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Posts: 1292
Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #11 on:
February 23, 2017, 05:06:03 AM »
What bothers me? What if I'm the one who held her back? What if that's why she left? I'm honestly happy she's doing better IF she is.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Sunfl0wer
`
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583
Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #12 on:
February 23, 2017, 05:19:59 AM »
Quote from: hurting300 on February 23, 2017, 05:06:03 AM
What bothers me? What if I'm the one who held her back? What if that's why she left? I'm honestly happy she's doing better IF she is.
Oh, this is easy... .
You are NOT responsible for her success in life.
So yea, not your fault!
Good?
(Not gonna let you waif me out on this, )
... .
I am in a caring profession.
It gets tricky when folks want to thank me for helping them.
My job, is not to save them. (Not an EMT or any emergency/rescue personelle)
I am cautious when people over thank me, paint me white, etc.
Cause if they hold me responsible for their healing too much, then they are bound to have a decline, and hold me responsible for that!
So I take myself off the drama triangle.
I remind them of their efforts in the process and that it was a team effort, NOT all me!
Logged
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
marti644
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Posts: 313
Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #13 on:
February 23, 2017, 05:26:46 AM »
Hurting,
This is so hard I know. The contradictions are mind boggling in a BPD relationship. Like others have said, you need to forgive yourself. And this takes time. And if you were supporting her than you weren't holding her back. You were encouraging her. Her thought processes are very different than your own. She left for reasons you likely weren't responsible for. My ex literally disappeared after I commented that she needed to "work on how proud she was" because she would never say sorry. There is no logic in their reasoning most of the timing for when they do things. Decisions are impulsive.
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hurting300
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Re: She is doing better?
«
Reply #14 on:
February 23, 2017, 11:23:55 AM »
Quote from: marti644 on February 23, 2017, 05:26:46 AM
Hurting,
This is so hard I know. The contradictions are mind boggling in a BPD relationship. Like others have said, you need to forgive yourself. And this takes time. And if you were supporting her than you weren't holding her back. You were encouraging her. Her thought processes are very different than your own. She left for reasons you likely weren't responsible for. My ex literally disappeared after I commented that she needed to "work on how proud she was" because she would never say sorry. There is no logic in their reasoning most of the timing for when they do things. Decisions are impulsive.
My ex literally disappeared too without even telling me it was over. I only asked her to get a job and try. Oh and stop lying so much.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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