Is it normal to start feeling/acting "crazy" yourself after being dumped?

[roberto516]

I'm new to this board but it has been 2 and a half months with contact and I feel like I need to reach out to more people so I can deal with the idle thoughts and regrets. Anyway, I posted yesterday the actual story of the relationship. But once she dumped me I have been doing all sorts of crazy things for the past 2 and a half months. I sent her gifts, and made my pleas of love. All to be shot down. Then I'd turn into a rage when she told me "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore." and I'd start saying really mean and nasty things. I threatened her regarding telling coworkers how she tried to have me get her drugs.

I decided to join some dating sites and have talked to a couple people on it and gone on a few "dates". But right now there's no one I want to be with so I'm not even considering being with anyone for a very long time.

As I type this it makes me sound like the one with the dx. I know for sure I have codependent traits and I am a caretaker which I guess draws these people to me. But is it common for this rage/attempt to get some form of payback I guess once you realize they never loved you after all your sacrifices, and raising them up?

[Ragnar1982]

Roberto I know the feeling. I use to beg for mine back,too. Towards the end I started to leave her and she would beg for me. After I finally broke up with her for good I found out she had been lying to me about an awful lot of things, including the state of her marriage. I sought out my revenge and blew her in. It wasn't worth it, but I know what it's like to feel like the crazy one at times. It's hard not to pick some of this stuff up along the way, but my dr and T think it will subside for me with some distance from her. My therapist called it "catching fleas". Even as I type this, knowing all of the crazy things that have happened between us, I still struggle with thoughts of wanting her back and missing her. It's absolutely insane to me to think i would ever subject myself to this again, but I do know I won't be seeking her out trying to make amends.

[roberto516]

It's just odd that I am the one who is begging and everyone seems to be in the different spot where the ex is begging for them back. Maybe it would have come in time but I said a lot of mean and rage type stuff to her probably as a way to make sure she didn't try to reach out to me. I dunno. Rough day man you know? And it's only 2 hours of NC for me. I just want to start feeling better.

[Octy]

I went nuclear at the end, sending her religious  mother pics of her tattoos(and I like tattoos) when I found out she had been hiding me from her now husband the entire time. I spoke with  him but he was sure I was making up the yr r/s and 8 months of her living with me as he is stationed in Hawaii. Ring shopping,  family meeting,  and baby names? All denied.

 At the end of a separate local r/s she said she pitied that bf. Any attempts to "fix" things however small will be pitied as she liked your strength and independence to begin, and "look where you are now" is the negative self profiling prophecy that has played out. I lashed out with proof it was real(pics + texts I hadn't deleted)  when even to me it doesn't seem real now. She eloped to Hawaii to escape all the people who knew about us(everyone at our work said they knew I loved her but saw all the signs, and my deterioration) . Her plans were to stay and start school from what I found out but option two was the runaway fantasy. My actions were because I just wanted it to be over yet I only made a fool of myself. She called and said I had more one chance if I wanted to stay in touch and drunkenly I hit send anyway. DO NOT BE OCTY.

[roberto516]

I went nuclear at the end, sending her religious  mother pics of her tattoos(and I like tattoos) when I found out she had been hiding me from her now husband the entire time. I spoke with  him but he was sure I was making up the yr r/s and 8 months of her living with me as he is stationed in Hawaii. Ring shopping,  family meeting,  and baby names? All denied.

 At the end of a separate local r/s she said she pitied that bf. Any attempts to "fix" things however small will be pitied as she liked your strength and independence to begin, and "look where you are now" is the negative self profiling prophecy that has played out. I lashed out with proof it was real(pics + texts I hadn't deleted)  when even to me it doesn't seem real now. She eloped to Hawaii to escape all the people who knew about us(everyone at our work said they knew I loved her but saw all the signs, and my deterioration) . Her plans were to stay and start school from what I found out but option two was the runaway fantasy. My actions were because I just wanted it to be over yet I only made a fool of myself. She called and said I had more one chance if I wanted to stay in touch and drunkenly I hit send anyway. DO NOT BE OCTY.

Thanks for the personal experience octy. And you're right. If I would have just stayed away she probably would have reached out. There were times she did the past 2 months because, as she said, she was feeling lonely. She texted me yesterday saying she won't text me anymore when she feels weak and that it's now the end.

But I'm glad I did all that because if she asked for me back I might have done it. And if I remain with no contact whatsoever and start to live my life again I bet she will reach out. Especially once she starts to feel the void again which will naturally come. And I won't reply. Life is too short for me to be depressed over someone who never actually loved me. I use to tell her she was in love with the idea of me. And it would get her so mad. But it was true. I saw it then. Now I have to accept and feel liberation at actually being free from someone who wasn't capable of love.

[vortex of confusion]

But is it common for this rage/attempt to get some form of payback I guess once you realize they never loved you after all your sacrifices, and raising them up?

I think that there are two parts to this.

One is that it is very normal to have all sorts of anger and hurt after or during a break up. It feels like the ultimate form of rejection. I felt all kinds of hurt and pain and rejection and I did want to lash out. I wanted him to know how much he hurt me. I wanted to expose him to the world and let everybody know that he wasn't the sweet little Catholic guy that was a great husband, father, son, whatever. I wanted other people to see him for who he really was. I wanted to expose him for who he really is.

I have done may fair share of acting crazy. I contacted the woman that he told me was his soul mate. I had a nice chat with her and she ended up blocking him and not talking to him again. I have snooped. I make snide comments to him. I know that I look like the crazy one at times. The thing that has made it most difficult for me is that he tended to hide a lot of what he was doing so that it looked like he was the perfect husband. He loved putting on a good boy act. Nobody outside our marriage saw that he was chasing other women or that he was telling me how great they were and how bad I was. People had no idea that he spent the first couple years of our marriage hiding in porn. People didn't see any of that. When I would share little bits and pieces of stuff, I looked and sounded crazy.

I think the craziest I ever looked was one time when I made a post on FB that said something along the lines of, "Free wife. You can do whatever you want with her. All you have to do is clean her up before you send her home. For details, contact Mr. Vortex." People were worried about HIM after they saw me post that. What people didn't know was that ex was encouraging me to see other men and then come home and give him all of the details. That was the only way he could get excited. The comment stemmed from him saying that he liked a particular guy that I was talking to because he said something about me coming home clean or something. I try not to remember the specifics. All I know is that I looked batcrap crazy. The truth of the situation is something that is almost beyond belief. As I typed that out, it made me feel sick. Why did I allow myself to do those things? Why did feel the need to expose him or prove anything to him or anybody else? I am not one that tends to need to prove anything to anyone. I know what I know. I think it stemmed from the fact that it was all so crazy and surreal that I thought maybe I could find some kind of validation in sharing or exposing or lashing out. I wanted him to acknowledge what he had done. I wanted him to see how horrible his behavior was towards me. The thing is that it is quite likely that he won't see it. If he realized how horrible it was, he might not have done it to begin with.

Two, I don't want to use the word "normal" with regards to lashing out. A lot of people do it and try to justify it as normal. I did it and still continue to do it on occasion. However, if you don't look at it from the perspective of "normal", it is pretty easy to say that it is NOT healthy to act on those feelings of rage. There is nothing healthy about wanting to hurt somebody that has hurt you. The healthy thing to do is to acknowledge those feelings, work through them, and NOT act on them in negative and unhealthy ways. (I am saying this for myself as much as I am saying it for anybody reading. I need to continually remind myself that my snide comments and other little ways of lashing out at him are NOT helpful and they are NOT healthy.)

Also, why would you want to chase after somebody that clearly doesn't want to be with you? Why do you feel the need to prove something to them? (Not trying to pick on you. These are questions that I have asked myself.) Why did I continue to try to put so much effort into a relationship where the other person wasn't reciprocating?

Why did I make so many sacrifices and then get mad at HIM for not seeing it? He didn't ask me to make those sacrifices. He didn't ask me to do some of the things that I did. I made those choices by myself. How could I hold him responsible for me choosing to make sacrifices for him? (There are some very sick and twisted things that he did ask me to do. There are also a lot of things that I did of my own accord in hopes that it would somehow make things better. It is important for me to distinguish between what I did and what he did so that it isn't a situation of blaming.)

It is really easy to think that he never loved me. I don't think that is true at all. I think ex did love me. The problem is that he didn't love me in the way that I wanted or needed to be loved. When that happens, it becomes too easy to dismiss him with "you never loved me". The question that I have wrestled with is, "If he did love me, how could he do those things? How could somebody do those things to a person that they supposedly love?" His view of love was very different than mine.

[roberto516]

Vortex you have made some amazing discoveries and that was really insightful for me. And it's true I went from bashing her to telling her I'm sorry, and I wish you well... .back to bashing... .back to well wishes. It was not healthy for me. But for the past 2 hours I have decided to make a conscious decision to be happy, and to move on.

Because you are absolutely right. Why do I care? She wasn't capable of loving out of sacrifice and for me. She was only able to love as it met her needs. Like I'm sorry, but she might change one day and be perfect for someone else. But she probably won't. Because she doesn't see any of these behaviors in herself. She said people change and she "outgrew me". It's convenient that she "outgrew me" the first time I set boundaries and told her we both had to put some work into repairing this relationship.

But it's her delusion. And I feel bad for her. I just couldn't believe the other day when she told me that I need more mental help because I'm the crazy one. Well rest assured before I was preyed upon and taken advantage of for my kindness I was the calmest level headed person I knew. And I guess she can't understand this because you have to care for someone selflessly to experience the hurt.

But I'm done. She doesn't deserve any space in my head anymore. She blew it as far as I'm concerned. And if she never sees that, oh well. I can't live worrying about that. I'm alive you know! And that's an awesome thing to be able to say. Life is good.

Will I have a bad day? Of course. This was an addiction, and I'll have my withdrawal symptoms again. But I'll be ready to remind myself "Who cares? You know what to avoid from now on and that person isn't worth any more time in your life or your thoughts."

[roberto516]

And in a weird way maybe all my mean words were an attempt to make sure she stayed away from me. I called her a borderline and told her she has the emotional capacity of a stunted child and she feared abandonment so she abandoned me. How she is working on herself but in reality she's just running from the negative feelings. How she would have had to shown some real committment in the relationship, and that's why she ran. Maybe she will take all this to heart and bring it up in therapy. Because her therapist doesn't appear to have an inkling. But I highly doubt it. Someone with borderline takes words to heart, and hold onto resentments. So it will probably make her stay away which is good, but will probably just reinforce to her that she isn't any of these things.

[vortex of confusion]

Will I have a bad day? Of course. This was an addiction, and I'll have my withdrawal symptoms again. But I'll be ready to remind myself "Who cares? You know what to avoid from now on and that person isn't worth any more time in your life or your thoughts."

This person may not be worth any more time in your life or your thoughts but they will be there. You can be done with the person without being done with trying to sort out your own feelings. I am done with ex. I am NOT done trying to process the feelings and such that are still lingering. It still friggin' hurts. The hurt has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

In a lot of cases, I completely put my feelings aside in order to continue in the relationship. I was too selfless. Now, I am letting myself feel stuff and trying to figure out how to be a little bit more selfish.

[roberto516]

This person may not be worth any more time in your life or your thoughts but they will be there. You can be done with the person without being done with trying to sort out your own feelings. I am done with ex. I am NOT done trying to process the feelings and such that are still lingering. It still friggin' hurts. The hurt has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

In a lot of cases, I completely put my feelings aside in order to continue in the relationship. I was too selfless. Now, I am letting myself feel stuff and trying to figure out how to be a little bit more selfish.

Very good point. I guess what I was trying to say is that I'm not going to allow someone else to rent space in my head. And that all starts with loving myself again. I've been processing how my own scared little boy view of relationships had an affect on this. Also how I did a lot of projecting of my own fears. But in a relationship with someone you love, I think, the partner would want to work through that especially after the self-realization is found. But she has quit couples therapy because it was "too much work".

But it doesn't have to hurt anymore. people have said so many mean things to me in the world. And I always pity them, and feel sorry for why they did it. So I will work on doing that. Like I said I will have some slips. But as my therapist said, "When do you want to stop causing yourself all this pain?"

And I think 60 plus days is enough. I can start now. And I confront the scared little boy with unhealthy coping mechanisms and the fear of abandonment without even having to think of her anymore. Because my problems and solutions start with me. But I'm not ignorant to the fact that eventually I am gonna have a bad day. And I'll be on here reaching out for some help

[FSTL]

I did the whole crazy by proximity thing when we broke up.

She told one of her friends that I was "needy" and a "psycho". I was certainly needy, but the psycho comment may have been a bit of projection and her friend was nice enough to tell her that I only did it because I loved her.

I did the manipulation and pleading to win her back. All sorts of stuff I really loathe now.

Anyway, as time went on I began to realise what I was doing (partly by reading up on what she was doing) and I learnt to stop the manipulations - I mean, why would I want someone back if I had to manipulate them to get them? I would only want them if they really wanted to be with me. And I definitely stopped with the needy - she clearly hated it (as it reminded her of herself) and, ironically, not appearing needy actually made her want me because she felt like she was losing me and she hated that more than anything. Even that I saw through in the end and just let her get there on her own or not at all (as was the case in the end).

Having been apart from her and with every day of NC or very LC I feel better all the time and feel less like I would take her back if she happened to dangle herself in front of me. I like how I feel now, not how I felt before in that crazy making mind blender that she created.

[lovenature]

Your feelings are normal. They loved us to what they were capable of.
Once you learn enough about this awful, serious mental illness, and have allowed yourself to go through the necessary stages of grieving and detachment you will see things differently; the further out we get, the clearer things become and it is both helpful and painful.

[roberto516]

I did the whole crazy by proximity thing when we broke up.

She told one of her friends that I was "needy" and a "psycho". I was certainly needy, but the psycho comment may have been a bit of projection and her friend was nice enough to tell her that I only did it because I loved her.

I did the manipulation and pleading to win her back. All sorts of stuff I really loathe now.

Anyway, as time went on I began to realise what I was doing (partly by reading up on what she was doing) and I learnt to stop the manipulations - I mean, why would I want someone back if I had to manipulate them to get them? I would only want them if they really wanted to be with me. And I definitely stopped with the needy - she clearly hated it (as it reminded her of herself) and, ironically, not appearing needy actually made her want me because she felt like she was losing me and she hated that more than anything. Even that I saw through in the end and just let her get there on her own or not at all (as was the case in the end).

Having been apart from her and with every day of NC or very LC I feel better all the time and feel less like I would take her back if she happened to dangle herself in front of me. I like how I feel now, not how I felt before in that crazy making mind blender that she created.

This mirrors me exactly. Except the part of her reaching out to me. Granted I pushed for damn near 5 weeks of pleading and I only stopped texting her this morning. But I hope I was nuts enough fr those 5 weeks to make sure she doesn't reach out to me.

But it's a realization I'm coming to. Why in God's name would I want her. She even told me 2 weeks ago "you need to be with someone who loves you." But again it's that illness. And that lack of understanding that someone could love out of actual care and not out of self need.

I guess that's why it's s easy for them to leave. It was always "please don't leave me" and then the last time it was "see ya" and I didn't know how to react.

[FSTL]

I guess that's why it's s easy for them to leave. It was always "please don't leave me" and then the last time it was "see ya" and I didn't know how to react.

That's the biggest mindf--k of all - for the longest time they are desperate to be with you and then, out of the blue, they reject you. It was incredibly destabilising for me and I think it was the biggest source of "crazy by proximity". It hurts for them not to be there and you would do anything to get them back. Only time and NC/LC makes you realise you don't really want them and their craziness back.

[roberto516]

That's the biggest mindf--k of all - for the longest time they are desperate to be with you and then, out of the blue, they reject you. It was incredibly destabilising for me and I think it was the biggest source of "crazy by proximity". It hurts for them not to be there and you would do anything to get them back. Only time and NC/LC makes you realise you don't really want them and their craziness back.

Yeah I just have to keep reminding myself why would I want to spend my time doing everything for her and being made to feel guilty if I set boundaries? It's too much for any sane person.

[AustenJ]

My new favorite quote by Mary Wollstonecraft:

"No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks."

Not that pwBPD are evil, even though there may be some good arguments for that... .but definitely our relationships with them are evil/toxic, especially when we are discarded and trying desperately to win them back... .she was my entire world, the love of my life... .I was blind to her abuse, and I mistook it for happiness--now that's crazy!

We only gain perspective through no contact and therapy... .

[roberto516]

My new favorite quote by Mary Wollstonecraft:

"No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks."

Not that pwBPD are evil, even though there may be some good arguments for that... .but definitely our relationships with them are evil/toxic, especially when we are discarded and trying desperately to win them back... .she was my entire world, the love of my life... .I was blind to her abuse, and I mistook it for happiness--now that's crazy!

We only gain perspective through no contact and therapy... .

It's so funny actually. How I thought her wanting me to spend all my time with her was out of love. In actuality it was just because I was providing her with something. And when it came to put in some work mutually she couldn't deal with those emotions. So she left and probably feels safely in control of her life again.

[mar356]

I think it is normal.  Mine seemed to make her decision in a split moment and I was confused like crazy. I figured she was just kidding and it was out of aggression. Then I went no contact for a week and realized I did not make any mistakes. You almost have to detox from them and radically accept that is how they are and their is no justifiable reason to their behaviors.  They are basically adults stuck in a toddlers emotional state. This site seems to be very helpful reading about other peoples similar experiences.