How long can my stbxw BPD function?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am in the mists of a custody case with my stbx wife (BPD). We have been married almost 16 years and she has had many ups and downs and different levels of being able to take care of family responsibilities. Anywhere from absolutely nothing for months on end to super mom doing almost everything for a few months.

Since I filed for divorce she has now been taking care of the house at a more acceptable level and is making efforts to connect with our 4 daughters.  This has been one of the longest periods of time that she has functioned since we were married.

Obviously it looks good for her in court and it makes my fight for the kids harder.  I have plenty of reasons as to why I know that I should be the primary parent after the divorce but this issue concerns me.

Does anybody have an insight as to how long they think that she could keep this up?  Anyone seen this in their experiences?

  

[Marc33]

I am in the mists of a custody case with my stbx wife (BPD). We have been married almost 16 years and she has had many ups and downs and different levels of being able to take care of family responsibilities. Anywhere from absolutely nothing for months on end to super mom doing almost everything for a few months.

Since I filed for divorce she has now been taking care of the house at a more acceptable level and is making efforts to connect with our 4 daughters.  This has been one of the longest periods of time that she has functioned since we were married.

Obviously it looks good for her in court and it makes my fight for the kids harder.  I have plenty of reasons as to why I know that I should be the primary parent after the divorce but this issue concerns me.

Does anybody have an insight as to how long they think that she could keep this up?  Anyone seen this in their experiences?

  

[ForeverDad]

My then-Spouse was moaning and groaning a lot in the final year or so of the marriage.  I made breakfast for our toddler, she refused to get up until I walked out of the house for work and then she would just lay on the couch, etc.

Once we separated and divorced she was quite the reverse.  I guess rage and Motherhood fueled her since.  Not once in the past decade has she given any indication of that waif behavior.  Doesn't mean your spouse is like that or will be like that.  We get all flavors here, though if you've gone to the effort to find peer support then likely you're in for a wild ride.

How consumed is she that she is Mother of 'HER' children?  I recall that our custody evaluator wrote in his initial report to the court that "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."  Those were the CE's actual quotes.  He could tell she perceived her child as an extension of herself and that she had totally discounted me as Father.

[livednlearned]

Hi Marc33,

Can you remind us how old the girls are and what kind of custody arrangement you are hoping to get?

Do you have confidence in your lawyer?

The court probably won't care about her ability to take care of the house, is my guess. It will be more about how the girls are doing.

Do you plan to have a custody evaluation or something else to bring your wife's mental health issues to light?

LnL

[Marc33]

Sorry about the delayed response... .you can imagine that life is not so smooth and easy right now.

My daughters are 14, 13, 11 and 9 and I hope to have them living with me and that my wife will have visitations about twice a week or so and then every other weekend. 

My lawyer has proven himself to be VERY competent and understands difficult people well.  I trust him fully.

We are now aiming to have a full psychological evaluation of the entire family.  I am gaining confidence that my wife will not be able to fool anybody, especially professionals trained to diagnose personality disorders. Also, that my kids know that she is the one with the problems and she is the one causing the separation.   My 13 year old just yesterday yelled at my wife to stop hurting me and that she is the problem not me.  It was quite validating. 

I think that things are set up as best as they can for me to get what I have determined to be best for my children but there are just a lot of unknowns that I am anxiously awaiting.

Thank you for your time and support,
Marc33

[livednlearned]

Great that you have a good L! And the psyche eval sounds like a good plan.

Do you know much about what kind of psyche eval will be used? Is it part of a custody evaluation?

I learned the hard way that there are different kinds.

The first psyche eval involved 4 talk sessions between my ex and a psychiatrist. The shrink produced a report that did not conclude in a diagnosis, although it had the vague phrase, "A personality disorder could not be ruled out. Further testing is recommended."

Even without the dx, the report was pretty thorough. While it did not say my ex was BPD or NPD, it described a lot of the same behaviors. It did not make a custody recommendation, although it did say that N/BPDx had a noticeable lack of knowledge about his son's daily routine and lack of awareness about son's major milestones, as well as a limited sense of son's inner/emotional life.

For a bunch of reasons, my L and I filed a motion for a second psych eval that the judge granted. Others here recommended I request that it be the MMPI-2, and that it be done by a forensic psychiatrist trained in administering the MMPI-2. Because pwBPD tend to stonewall and obstruct, the motion also said that the eval had to be done by day/date. Failure to comply meant default visitation of xyz.

I had a good L, but I found I still had to make sure that all loopholes were closed. Even then getting N/BPDx to comply with court orders was hard.

Your L gets paid whether your ex stonewalls or not, so it falls to you to make sure that you don't have to run back to court every time your ex fails to comply with this or that. That's why it's good to ask your L to add language about contingencies or consequences for your ex's non compliance.

You minimize opportunities for the judge will let your ex drag things out for the next 2-3 years.