Intro Post

[gotodengo]

Greetings fellow Non's,

I am a 42 yo male, married 11 years to an undiagnosed BPD. Like many posts I've read here, I struggled for years to understand what has been going on for effectively the entire marriage. Doubting my own recollection of events, having my already trampled self esteem taken advantage of, turning to alcohol, isolation in my own home, you name it, all par for the course I am reading. After a recent BP meltdown over the fact that I ate lunch in a favorite restaurant of ours without her, I started spending serious time researching. Ultimately it led me to put a copy of Randi's "... Eggshells" on my kindle, and by page 30 I was just, flabbergasted. I consider myself intelligent, I myself went thru years of therapy as a young adult to reconcile my sh-t childhood, how on Earth could I become this shell of a person who's marriage consists of navigating a dynamically changing mine field? Why can't I rise above it and not take up a spot on the ye olde triangle?

And honestly the forecast is grim. We recently changed location, and before I understood how serious of a role parents can play in passing this on, I had my suspicions that moving would allow my wife the space she desperately needed to become an individual. Instead of that, I feel like its made her lash out more, and feel even more BP fueled despair and emptiness. Our new home town took us in with open arms, many people in our new neighborhood have made themselves available to her, but she will make excuses and generally not engage beyond small talk. Meanwhile I have made several new friendships, all of which have been subjected to the BP treatment, constants texts to me while I'm out, open insults to their face, etc.

Unfortunately unlike some of you, whose BP lottery resulted in a person who can be charming and personable at times, I feel like the sunniest it gets, is partly cloudy. I am left to make the best of that, and at times, I think it's been great. Sharing fun experiences, sex, talking, laughing. But most of it, what we do, where we go, all comes from my side. And in the past when I've gotten tired of being camp counselor, I am made to feel like I don't love her anymore, and that I don't take the time to "woo" her. THEN, if there are any activities she's more interested in than me, it's up to me to learn of them telepathically, or because you know, when you truly love someone you know everything and can read their minds, and if its not produced and said event passes us by, watch out. That's BP rage fuel for days. I  think the biggest A HA moment for me with Randi's book was the inflection in speaking queues, how BP's feel interrupted etc. I swear there have been 4 second pauses that I decided to throw a word into that I paid for with her tears for DAYS. Aside from a few things though she isn't really into anything, besides building up her rage fuel on facebook so that I can be accosted the moment I come home from work with the political opinions of some idiot she went to Highschool with 25 years ago. She is essentially dysfunctional, never really seeking a job, and when she has sought employment it's never lasted more than a few months. And instead of assuming the house duties, I am the one who is made to feel bad for doing dishes after I cant stand it anymore, because that's her job to ignore indefinitely and how dare I step in. Granted I understand now that this is a trigger for the BPD, but it's just more doubled bended reality skewing that has quite honestly made ME depressed, hopeless, and in need of help.

At the end of the day I don't care anymore about the marriage. I care about my 10 year old daughter who has this for a female role model and for whom I fear it may already be too late. From the little research I have done, and from my own therapy experiences, "behavior therapy" specifically, is ill-understood, quite expensive, and wrought with the same level of ineptitude as any other industry or service. When reading thru eggshells, Randi's accounting of what happens to the BPD when they are compelled into therapy, and they are able to run their game on the therapist, and its believed, quite honestly just frightens the sh-t out of me.

Anyways, this is definitely going to rant status and for that I am sorry, I just dont know how to act, feel, or speak about this anymore. I just want to be in a supportive and loving relationship for my own selfish reasons I guess.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome gotodengo:   

At the end of the day I don't care anymore about the marriage. I care about my 10 year old daughter who has this for a female role model and for whom I fear it may already be too late. . .I just don't know how to act, feel, or speak about this anymore. I just want to be in a supportive and loving relationship for my own selfish reasons I guess.

I'm sorry for what you are going through with your partner.  I hear that you are in a lot of pain and care very much about how your partner's behavior will impact your daughter.  It's definitely not selfish to want to be in a supportive and loving relationship.  You deserve it.   

When reading thru eggshells, Randi's accounting of what happens to the BPD when they are compelled into therapy, and they are able to run their game on the therapist, and its believed, quite honestly just frightens the sh-t out of me.

I've read the same information in, "Stop Walking Thru Egg Shells".  When someone does not want to go to therapy, but is forced to, the outcome is generally not good.  Even when they willingly start therapy, they can feel threatened and then rebel.

We can't change anyone, only ourselves.  The best that you can do is look at yourself, learn various communication skills to help you manage the way you interact and react to your partner.

The two links below lead to two lessons that would be a good place to start:
BOUNDARIES

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

I myself went thru years of therapy as a young adult to reconcile my sh-t childhood, how on Earth could I become this shell of a person who's marriage consists of navigating a dynamically changing mine field? Why can't I rise above it and not take up a spot on the ye olde triangle?   

Is it possible that you are a bit codependent?  Do you think that you worked through your issues from your childhood?  If you still have some healing to work on, in regard to your childhood, you might want to post about those specifics on the board "Coping and Healing from a Borderline Parent, Sibling or In-law"

DEALING WITH ENMESHMENT AND CODEPENDENCE

THE DYSFUNCTIONAL DANCE - SELF-INFLICTED WOUNDS

If more therapy for yourself isn't something you want to consider, there is a lot of good information here to help you with various skills.  Sounds like you made some friends in your new community.  Maintaining friendships is something you might want to set some boundaries with.  You don't want to be isolated and without friends.  Perhaps the excess texting is something you could set and enforce a boundary regarding?

Check out some of the links and let us know what you think.  What boundaries would you like to start working on?  How about giving JADE a try (Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain)?

[Turkish]

. I just want to be in a supportive and loving relationship for my own selfish reasons I guess.

I don't think this is selfish at all; rather healthy,  really.  Your wife might see it the same if asked, but considering a likely disordered world-view, her definitions thereof would likely sound very different,  after all,  you've experienced trying to meet that standard, an undefined target,  ever moving... .

What are your thoughts here on moving foward? The book as well as the resources we have here (not to mention the peer support) will help you. 

As a father as well,  what do you see with your D10 which leads you to believe it may be too late? We also have a ton of resources and peer support for parents.  What's going on there?

Turkish

[Panshekay]

It can be overwhelming when you finally figure things out and realize what it really is.  It's very difficult when children are involved. What finally made our son file for divorce was when he thought " I rather have my kids come from a broken home than live in one".  He has been seperated for over 3.5 years and trying to divorce her for 1.5 years... .it has been a mess with tons of false allegations to CPS and DHS.  She is very good at convincing others that what she is saying is true.  If you think you will end up leaving one day with your daughter be very prepared... .the saying that I have is "you can't second guess crazy" and that is unfortunately very true. Read, read and read some more, get your ducks in a row.  You never know what someone like that will do or say. Be proactive and document everything!  Good luck.