Give me strength

[Weefster]

Hi.  Like many others, I found my way here through self discovery and self preservation.  I'm pretty sure the love of my life has BPD, and I am trying to understand him and and myself. Him, in order to better cope with the situation, and myself in order to try to figure out whether I am drawn to him, or the fact that I feel I need to help him.  I have been seeing a therapist privately for five years, and in this third or fourth go-round of my 30ish year on and off mostly in my relationship with the same person, I am here.  We have been living together this time for a year.  I don't know where to start. I haven't talked to anyone about this except for my therapist. thank you for giving me a place to vent.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, welcome.

It is a doubt many of us have had. Am I fueled by the need to help this person, do I need to be needed, useful?  Do I need to be the savior?

It was a big question for me since I knew my GF. Because I already had a marriage that was based on "serving".

When I tried to be selfish because it was what I was supposed to do, it didn't work. It actually caused a lot of pain. So I had to admit that doing something for other person was part of me, part of what I would consider fulfillment.

With my therapist we took the mission of finding out if she was contributing something to me or not. And I had her to admit she was making me happier. Even if it wasn't easy.

Sometimes I surprise myself, feeling love and hope and joy, among all the difficulties.  This relationship forces us to take a journey of self discovery,  and anthropology, to depths we couldn't imagine before.  It's a life with a lot of drama. But it is life, and we are growing.

It doesn't mean that everybody should take what we take, it is a personal choice. But you'll find some support and understanding here. We deserve that, no matter what.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome

Many of us have been or still are in the same boat as you. You will find lots of support to help you navigate your relationship with a pwBPD. You will find many workshops on the right side of the page to help you learn better ways of communicating with your pwBPD and for taking care of yourself. Here is a link to one of the workshops on dealing with enmeshment and co-dependency:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

Looking forward to learning more about you and your SO.

[Weefster]

Thanks so much for the encouragement and safe place to vent.  Today, my SO blew up because I got him a sandwich with mustard, and he doesnt like mustard.  This turned into a volatile rant about how I pull guilt trips on him and he can't ever talk to me about anything because he hates it when I get "all butt hurt" and to him that is my way of making him feel guilty.  It's exhausting.  I lost my cool and responded in an immature way and made it twenty times worse.  I am really working on setting boundaries. I know I absolutely contribute to the problem.  the rages and yelling are the worst.  I'm sure our neighbors are sick of his yelling.

[Weefster]

After the blow up, we retreated to our respective spaces and I continued with dinner plans I had made (without him).  When I got home, he was very attentive - going out of his way to watch tv shows I like that he doesn't usually watch with me, then even talking about the shows I watch vs the shows he watches pointing out the similarities.  This morning he made me breakfast.  Yesterday, during our discussion, He talked about how we have trouble communicating, and I brought up the possibility of MC, through his healthcare provider.  My T and I have discussed it and agree that he needs to be the one to initiate it and it should be with someone of his choosing.

My Question/advice needed: how can I encourage without pushing him to continue this line of thinking? I am continuing with my T for my own self care, but I know we would both benefit from MC.

I have been going through the lessons on this site. Grateful to have found a life-line.