Caught between my BPD Wife and Caring for my Kids

[Confused1975]

I need help to set limits with my BPD/narcissist wife where children are involved.  I am not sure where to start but will try to be conise.

First of all, my wife and I both work and are raising two children, a son who is 6 and a daughter who is 8 years old. We have been married for 10 years with an outwardly normal and satisfying life. My wife works 4 days a week and I bring in a significantly higher salary bringing most of the income, however her income is still significant. I bring this up because she reduced her work hours to supposedly spend more time home, however, on these days and many others when she calls in sick, she stays in bed watching movies.

We have periods where everything is going well. We plan our week, get up together, make breakfast and lunches, plan our time when we can each go to the gym, yoga etc. However this lasts maybe up to two week, perhaps (but rarely) 3 weeks. Then she collapses... .sometimes slowly and sometimes suddenly.

Now I could get into all the details, however there is one area that I am stuck on. A big part of me setting limits with my wife around my work and social life means that I have to depend on her to put the kids to bed, make them dinner, help them with activities and homework and just be present... .they are still young. So if I have an obligation, such as teaching a class in the evening or having made a commitment do something, she would usually become very tired or sick and just go to bed. Leaving the kids to fend for themselves. For example, I needed her to pick the kids up from school a couple of days ago and when they got home at 4:30pm, she went straight to bed. I didn't get home until 6:30 and my 8 year old daughter set the table with pretzels and cheese trying her best to make dinner for the family. Luckily I had brought burgers home and I thanked her for her effort... .I was deeply very angry at my wife for not paying attention to them or even having the courtesy to explain to the kids that daddy will be home at 6:30 with hamburgers... .So ... .what ends up happening is that I start to cancel all of my engagements, such as going to the gym, I leave work early, fall behind etc so that I could be present for the kids and in return I enable her to act like a victim for the lay in bed all day.

One last thing... .she is very critical of everything I do... .how I clean, cook, do laundry and I things things do not bother me... .But she is very jealous of my my relationship with the kids. She says things like since my daughter was born, that she is not #1 in my life. That I love the kids more than her? It is these that types of incidents involving the kids that really trouble me.

Any help or direction would be appreciated.

S.

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[hope2000]

Hi Confused1975

I've been through your situation and I'll share my own personal experience.

I worked full time and nurtured my 4 boys as a single parent. Although their mother was married to me she didn't do much parenting in the home. Her parenting was more like sibling relationship with our children.

I put our boys need first and my relationship with their mother second because there was no co parenting from her. The boys psychological and physical well being were far too important to be neglected.  It turned out to be a good decision in my situation because they're now fine men. Research shows that children needs at least one significant care giver to grow up with healthy resilient. Placing my priorities with a BPD partner will not improve our  relationship.

I hope this is helpful.

[RHVG]

Dear Confused1975,

I'm also new to this blog, trying to figure things out. My situation is very similar to yours -- I'm very concerned how my husband's BPD is affecting the kids, and am trying to find help setting the boundaries effectively.

First of all, I want to caution you to not take this ligjtly, based on my personal experience. Of course, my situation seems a bit more intense that yours (read my post "I almost killed myself... ." - not sure how to post a link, but search for the headline, posted yesterday) - but then again, it's hard to judge things on just a quick summary like a question post. I'm a few years ahead of you: have been married for 20 years. The beginning of our marriage was just like what you've described: I was slowly starting to cancel my personal activities, limiting things I did with friends, even cutting work assignments at financial expense in order to take care of the things at home. You're fortunate to spot the problem and sound an alarm now: I did not wake up until 20 years later: and at the present, I feel burned out and overwhelmed, having totally overextended myself, have NO friends, NO hobbies, NO social life... .and the kids, who are now teenagers, STILL have problems induced by my spouse's negativity, criticism and bad example. It all seemed manageable and maybe even trivial when they were little. But when they started to come into their teens, the jealosy that you also experience shifted from me to their friends -- resulting in them losing good relationships and consequently seeking questionable ones. Do not wait till you end up in my position! You are doing the right thing by seeking answers now: do not give up until you find a solution.

And if you come across some good information, please let me know -- as I've said, I'm trying to solve the same problem. The insights that I have so far:

1. The problem here is that the BPD SO will not take any personal responsibility -- for anything.  It's not that they don't DO anything (and mine would vehemently argue that everything he does goes unnoticed) - they do things, and they argue what they do do as their contribution to the relationship or parenting.  But they will NOT take the responsibility for any end results. For example, they will do the dishes when they feel like helping out - but it they "don't feel it" and the house is a mess, it's your problem and often "your fault". They'll play with the kids when they are in the mood (and hold it as a token of their involvement, next time you try to argue you point), but they will not take any responsibility for the children's overall mental and emotional well-being. I'm finding out that avoiding taking responsibility is a common symptom of BPD and the indication of the absense of the BPD person's healthy boundaries and the inabiith to define and set them.

2. Common advise seems to be to try and educate the BPD SO on the fact that this is their problem: instead of expecting them to take responsibility as a normal person would and getting frustrated when they won't, acknowledge the positive things that they do (like, dishes and the occasional outing with the kids), but be bold in bringing out the fact that they have a problem in not taking respocibilities, and that this is a disorder that is damaging to your relationship and their own happiness. As I'm reading here, BPD often results from emotional trauma and/or neglect in early childhood - so, I think it would be helpful to bring out the fact of the "disorder" as the scars of their personal trauma that is now imparing their emotional and mental health. They have damaged self-value and self-esteem, and as a result it hurts them to take on responsibility.

Now, I've seen some success and progress over the years in my BPD SO's behavior by using this acknowledgement approach and trying to educate him on his issues. But as for the not taking responsibility part, I've just discovered it yesterday, so I'm yet to try it myself.

Lets keep each other posted

[Confused1975]

Thank you both Hope2000 and RHVG,
Your responses are much appreciated.

I think my problem is specifically that when my BPD wife is in her victim mode, I feel guilty when I sent limits, For example, today I woke up at 7:30 am, got the kids ready for their Saturday activities and dropped them off at 9:30. I told myself that I would go to the gym and enjoy my day until I had to pick up them at 2:30.

Once at the gym, I found myself calling my wife to see how she is feeling and offered to come home and make us some lunch. I did this because she was acting so depressed, sick (she has a common cold) and lonely and I felt like it was my job to cheer her up.

In any case, I cheered her up and we watched a movie together (the new Star Trek ) and then she just went back to bed for the rest of the day and night and now here I am running around getting the kids, making dinner, doing laundry etc... .and she is in bed being the victim?

How do you recommend I respond in this situation?

I did get a little exercise at the gym which helped me feel better... .but I still feel resentful toward her and at the same time avoid a conflict.

[hope2000]

You're in a very tough situation. My first response after reading your difficulties is to say take very good care of yourself and don't get burn out. See a good counsellor with experience dealing with BPD. The counselling will help you work out strategies.

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome, Confused!   

To reply briefly, it sounds like you have a waif/hermit BPD wife on your hands, and you are starting to shrink your life to accommodate her.  Not a good idea!  It's important for you to keep being you and doing all those activities you need to do.  You didn't cause the BPD, and you can't possibly cure it (no matter how much your caretaker tendancies tell you that you need to try), so there's no use throwing away your life in a vain attempt to rescue her from her feelings. 

Learn emotional validation and boundaries.  In addition to the eggshells book, check out When Hope is not Enough by Bon Dobbs for some good perspective and advice/examples on validation.  Read the "tools" linked at the right side of this page.

Do what you need to do to make sure your kids are cared for, but by all means, do not continue cancelling activities and isolating yourself.

[ArleighBurke]

I would also say it's a tricky situation.

Firstly, do not give her attention if she "is sick". Calling from the gym, then coming home to help her (when she really doesn't need it) is a bad road to go down. You are rewarding her for her "sickness" and you will end up with no life. She is responsibile for herself. Do your own thing. Check in with her as required, but give her no energy. If she wants your attention, force her to get out of bed and interact with you. Use phrases like "I'm sorry you're sick. I look forward to spending time with you when you feel well" (plant the expectation of good times if she gets up).

As for her not looking after the house/kids - very very tricky. Possibly I would try the same logic as above. For a few weeks, can you do great things with the kids when you get home? So play with them, or take them out to dinner when you get home. If mum is sick - say "I'm sorry you're sick. You stay here, we'll give you some quiet time. See you when we get back". Then GO without her. Enjoy your kids. Have a great dinner, play, go to the park, whatever. Dont' rub it in her face, but make sure she knows that when she is being "sick" she misses out on all the fun. (The kids will most probably tell her everythying she misses anyway). If you can arrange it, tell her "I know you're often sick in the afternoons, I'll have the kids go to X's home to be looked after". It *could* be seen as her getting a free ride, but it's also a mini-slap in her face. If she hates is, she may say she's feeling OK and take the kids. Then thank her for managing the kids - give her good/positive attention for doing "the right thing".

If she loves not having the kids, and things don't get done, then ramp it up. Say that because she's sick you'll need to hire in a nanny, or a cleaner, and that means that X good thing gets cancelled (eg no family holiday because we can't afford it). Force there to be a consequence for her actions (but it has to be a "natural" consequence).



I don't like the "remind them of their responsibilities" suggestion from RHVG. It doesn't feel like a BPD would take that well. Instead, I would treat them more like a child and give them a list of what you'd "like them to do". Be VERY clear (eg dinner at 5:30pm, vacuum lounge).

one last thing... .she is very critical of everything I do... .how I clean, cook, do laundry and I things things do not bother me...

Standard BPD. She "knows" she is failing at doing those things, but rather than improve herself it's easier to pull you down.