In retrospect there were times where she tried hard to help

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My relationship was pretty standard with the archetype of a BPD relationship but before she could completely devalue me and leave for another, I got tired of the gaslighting and abuse and I left her. I stayed friends on Facebook for a month until she liked one of my posts and quickly saw that it would be the platform for sacking me back in or keeping me updated on her goings on. I deleted and blocked her. When we broke up I foolishly said she could write me one letter and I would read it and respond. I told her that it could be years later to check in or it could be just a few months away, it didn't matter to me. I had taken the blame for our relationship failing as per suggestion of my therapist so that it would fit her narrative that she was the victim and that I was the malfunction in the dynamic. After I blocked her, I received the letter. It was journal entry styled so I was basically reading her diary about the breakup but it was addressed to me. I was drunk the night I got it and foolishly responded. After that, silence. Nothing from her for 5 months until she dropped a birthday card in my mailbox  and we ran into each other on the street blocks from my house (it really was an accident on both of our parts, there's no way she could have known she'd see me and she was totally scrubbed out). We parted ways with the idea of hanging out again before I moved away from Chicago. She texted me a few days later and I didn't reply because I had realized it was a mistake to get in the car. I sent her a letter that was kind but meant to distance and tell her to back off. After that I moved to California. I'm 3 days back into California and I can't stop thinking about her. I'm visiting friends and seeing places that her and I went together when things were great. I am slowly realizing that there were times when I wasn't being great to her or I was easy to manage because of my own issues. There was a time where she helped me renovate a basement theatre for 6 hours and she didn't complain once. She had crafted a really honest and healthy way to support her through her anxiety attacks. Even reading the stuff she sent me now, it was only marginally codependent.  Truly. It's hard right now because I'm realizing that she tried very hard to be a better version of herself with me. She tried to be a great girlfriend. I just didn't see it sometimes because I was too caught up in my own stuff or reeling from the previous fight or just not paying attention. I'm having a hard time now that I'm away and she and I truly can't see eachother.  I know it was the strongest play I could have made, to move. I moved here for a job, family, and to get away from her... .But now I'm here and I'm seeing the ways she tried hard. And I am struggling to feel like I'm headed on the right path.   Has anyone realized after the relationship was over that their ex wasn't completely selfish or abusI've all the time? I've been employing anger,logic, or frustration to distance myself when I start negative cycling about myself or fixating on her. But in realizing her factual attempts to do the right thing, I can't employ the same tactics to shift focus. It sucks. I miss her emotionally and am cognitively frustrated because I know what she has and what she can and can't give me and I know that nothing healthy or fulfilling on a consistent basis is possible with her... .anyone else have issues that are similar? Advice ?

[Learn and live]

My relationship was pretty standard with the archetype of a BPD relationship but before she could completely devalue me and leave for another, I got tired of the gaslighting and abuse and I left her. I stayed friends on Facebook for a month until she liked one of my posts and quickly saw that it would be the platform for sacking me back in or keeping me updated on her goings on. I deleted and blocked her. When we broke up I foolishly said she could write me one letter and I would read it and respond. I told her that it could be years later to check in or it could be just a few months away, it didn't matter to me. I had taken the blame for our relationship failing as per suggestion of my therapist so that it would fit her narrative that she was the victim and that I was the malfunction in the dynamic. After I blocked her, I received the letter. It was journal entry styled so I was basically reading her diary about the breakup but it was addressed to me. I was drunk the night I got it and foolishly responded. After that, silence. Nothing from her for 5 months until she dropped a birthday card in my mailbox  and we ran into each other on the street blocks from my house (it really was an accident on both of our parts, there's no way she could have known she'd see me and she was totally scrubbed out). We parted ways with the idea of hanging out again before I moved away from Chicago. She texted me a few days later and I didn't reply because I had realized it was a mistake to get in the car. I sent her a letter that was kind but meant to distance and tell her to back off. After that I moved to California. I'm 3 days back into California and I can't stop thinking about her. I'm visiting friends and seeing places that her and I went together when things were great. I am slowly realizing that there were times when I wasn't being great to her or I was easy to manage because of my own issues. There was a time where she helped me renovate a basement theatre for 6 hours and she didn't complain once. She had crafted a really honest and healthy way to support her through her anxiety attacks. Even reading the stuff she sent me now, it was only marginally codependent.  Truly. It's hard right now because I'm realizing that she tried very hard to be a better version of herself with me. She tried to be a great girlfriend. I just didn't see it sometimes because I was too caught up in my own stuff or reeling from the previous fight or just not paying attention. I'm having a hard time now that I'm away and she and I truly can't see eachother.  I know it was the strongest play I could have made, to move. I moved here for a job, family, and to get away from her... .But now I'm here and I'm seeing the ways she tried hard. And I am struggling to feel like I'm headed on the right path.   Has anyone realized after the relationship was over that their ex wasn't completely selfish or abusI've all the time? I've been employing anger,logic, or frustration to distance myself when I start negative cycling about myself or fixating on her. But in realizing her factual attempts to do the right thing, I can't employ the same tactics to shift focus. It sucks. I miss her emotionally and am cognitively frustrated because I know what she has and what she can and can't give me and I know that nothing healthy or fulfilling on a consistent basis is possible with her... .anyone else have issues that are similar? Advice ?

[roberto516]

Mine is still fresh (only 2 months) but what has made it hard is the times she was good to me. But I realize that 99% of this was in the beginning of the relationship. We could cook for us, give me random cards with positive messages, surprise me with sex, etc. But then I am quick to recall that when I really made it known I'd like to see this movie instead of that and she'd say "I TOLD YOU WE AREN'T GOING TO SEE THAT MOVIE." Or when she would get mad because I didn't come over when she wanted to watch her dog. Or how she never made an effort to watch any of my tv show interests with me.

So yeah, I just have to remind myself (as my therapist said) that all these kind things were not for my own benefit. They were for her.