Rage, accusations, trust problems, and still I love her

[tempestcalm]

Hello. This is the first time I've told anyone anything about my problems with my wife's BPD. She is diagnosed. In fact, when we met a little over three years ago, she actually was very forward about it, and told me that she had a "mental condition." I assumed, at the time, it was linked somehow to the bulimia she'd gotten through several years prior to me meeting her. Unfortunately that's not the case--and for that matter, the bulimia is back in force as well. Anyway, the story.

Quickly after meeting her I discovered she's very jealous--or I thought that then. As a guy whose predominant friend base was comprised of women, she couldn't accept anything about my friends. I have a handful of good guy friends, but all my best friends WERE female. Completely professional and platonic, in fact. I tapered back my contact with them and then ultimately ended every single female friendship in an effort to calm her worried that I was romantically interested in any of them. Her worries weren't completely unfounded. As a traveling, move-every-year-or-two military man, I was happily enjoying my single life in Germany when I met her. I had no intention of dating her long term, and definitely never expected to fall in love and marry. But love is funny that way.

I had several girls I was intermittently seeing when I met the wife. After the first date though, I knew something was different and I ceased seeing all of them. I didn't immediately cease textual contact though. And when she figured that out, she made me feel guilty and terrible, as if I was twisting a literal knife in her back. So I [rightly] cut ties. But it didn't end there. Of course, outside my control, I would occasionally get emails or text messages or Facebook messages from an ex, or an ex fling, or even just a female friend. She would go into rages about trust and openness and accuse me of going behind her back (incidentally, I've never once cheated on her or been around anyone in anyway that could be even loosely construed as cheating). She assumed if I used Facebook it was because I was looking at and communicating with women. She assumed that every woman in the friend list was a former lover. So I stopped using Facebook. I lost the last bits of connection with friends and distant family I had. As a military member it was my only link to the real world and stable relationships.

It didn't help. Over time I had to be in constant contact during work so that she felt satiated in her desire to ensure I wasn't cheating. And when I moved to a job where cell phones aren't allowed in a classified area i thought I'd lose her forever. Email became my only option. And if I fail to respond quickly, or if she calls the office and I'm in the restroom, she instantly assumes I'm out doing something bad. Female coworkers are all evil and if I have to communicate with them I'm trespassing against her trust. I go out of my way to avoid emails or interactions with females at all because I'd rather not feel guilty by not telling her about itt, and if i do  tell her about a female at work, she'll berate me about never having brought that female up before. I'm in an endless loop of being unable to talk about them but also being required to talk about them. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

And doing anything public is miserable. I love the beach. I love shopping. I like people watching. But heaven forbid I open my eyes at all. I'm forced to wear sunglasses just to prevent my eyes from being seen. Any movement of my head results in accusations that I'm checking girls out and that I "should just go ___ them and get it over with." And forget going "out" anymore. Clubs and bars and musical shows and concerts all have far too many women I could possibly "stare at." We've forgone nearly all of them.

Friends? I wish I had some. My unique position in the military lends to a lot of solitude. Many people work for me, very few work "with" me. The boss isn't the guy people turn to for a friend. The wife's friends are all really great people. I enjoy being around them. But if I make any eye contact with a female friend or the wife of a friend, a two-day tirade will ensue. So that's out.

I am isolated physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I am accused of being a cheater, a liar, a bad person, the cause of all problems, the cause of the return of bulimia, the worst thing to ever happen to her, the reason she has no friends, the reason we have no friends together, the reason the sex is no longer fun/connected/emotional/intense/worth having.

And then, sometimes I am the sweetest and most caring man in the world. The only person to never abandon her, no matter what's going on. The tempest is calmed.

And then the storm rises. The explosions occur. And the cycle repeats.

I've been given a black eye from a cell phone-punch to the face. This was witnessed by a coworker after she had exploded during a work event for me. She proceeded to tell that coworker how his wife was a filthy whore and nothing about her was good and that she's ugly and miserable. (She had never actually met the poor woman.) I lost his trust and confidence as his leader.

Any hint of alcohol in her system, especially at an event with many people and women, results in accelerated tirades. She's yelled at me. She's yelled at others. Everything anyone says somehow invalidates her, breaks her down, pushes away her opinions. Everyone in the world is wrong.

Time is relative, according to Einstein. According to her, time is hers. Every human is slower than her. Dumber than her. Not ok her schedule. On a mission to slow her down, to prevent her from accomplishing something in the timeframe only she can see. She eats fast. Drives fast. Talks fast. Expects everyone to understand her feelings, conversations, and opinions fast. If you don't, you're wrong. Prepare for a storm. If you pretend you understand, just to get her moving along to another subject, she'll detect it. Prepare for a storm.

Any minute difference in a pattern means I have gone out of my way to sabotage her life and our relationship. A pop up meeting at work is a clue that I was "___ing a female coworker again." Traffic jams require photo evidence via text.

I cannot have an adult conversation about any other female. It always degrades into physical appearance. She compares herself to every female on TV, and every girl I've ever known or dated. And she never feels worthy. Never mind that I MARRIED her, not them.

She makes me a breakfast and lunch to take to work, for fear that I'll leave my seat to meet with a woman. I haven't cultivated a professional relationship or network in three years, because I fear her tantrums. And I am not conflict driven person. I want peace. As a learner of Buddhism and eastern ways of life, I just want calm.

And still, I love her. Somehow.

I have confided in her my darkest secrets, my hopes, my goals, my faults, and my successes. Only to have them all used against me during arguments. Or threats developed from them when she's intensely raging. She's cut herself, she punches her legs, she's threatened violence and has repeated hit me. I can take that, and I can soothe her. But in the event that I can no longer deal, I won't be able to leave. Every thing I've ever done in life is a weapon for her. She's threatened to ruin my career, spill dark secrets to family and (the remaining) friends. She's threatened to humiliate and destroy me.

And still, I love her.

The storms are intense. The calms are blissful. But the calms are suddenly fewer and farther between. We have no identity separation anymore. And I don't even know where to begin setting limits and boundaries.

I don't know what I hope to garner from this community, but for those who read this far thank you for being the first to let me express myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, tempestcalm,

It was brave to tell us all of that, welcome to the family.  It is painful to hear, mostly because it's all too familiar.  The distrust hurts a lot, to me is really painful, as I counted honesty as my only sure  characteristic. I would keep my word even if no one was there to see me.  Then at 36 I get a divorce and I break the promise of marriage, and I feel I should die. But I met this woman... .

And this woman thinks I lie all the time. My wife was my first kiss, and I kept her all my life. I never had any other relationship. And then now I am suspected of being a ladies man. I tell her my deepest feelings and flaws, and she tells me she doesn't know me at all, and that I keep everything to myself.  My gf is anorexic, not bulimic. I get also distrust about food, she watches what I eat, and comments and thinks I lie to her and I binge outside home to fast at home and make her feel guilty... .

There is no way of telling her this, if I wanted to lie to her, if I wasn't committed to her... .Why would I put up with all of this? She's been threatening to leave me every two weeks for the 3 years of our relationship, I would simply need to say "ok, you are right", and then go to my harén with my hundred girlfriends.

But yeah, and yet we love them, and she's my life.

I could describe my relationship pretty close to yours, and then in the blissful phase I would feel ashamed "she's not like that, she's just in pain... ."

Today I can just tell you I understand your pain. I have no advice.  I've had hate all morning and silence all evening and I'm desperate to hear from her, I want to know if she's all right. And she's just 2 rooms away, but I don't want to go and get more hate from her.

We do a lot of sacrifices thinking "this will show her" and it doesn't work at all. She would say "I hate that you don't see any friend because of me"  and then the sacrifice I make not seeing my friends, not only has no meaning, but suddenly is something horrible that I do to hurt her. There is no winning.

It only gets better when we stop going out of our way to avoid hurting them. If something is normal and healthy, she has to learn to live with it, not you. Even if she doesn't, you will be better. You will be on your way, and she won't be able to pull you further and further from it. She will resist this, but you know you can't take this life forever.

Check out the first steps on the right of this forum, and take one day at a time. Good luck.

[Shane87]

tempestcalm,

I understand some of where you are coming from.  I love my wife, who suffers from BPD.  I want to have a happy, healthy marriage with her.  That's what I've always wanted from the beginning many years ago.

Much like yourself, I've suffered being the perpetual "whipping boy" for the duration of our marriage until very recently.  I know what it's like to be perpetually accused directly, and to also be the target of distortion/smear campaigns.  Due to this ever present threat, it will be impossible to completely trust my Sweetheart fully.

Still, there are things that have helped me:

First, it has helped to recognize and accept the reality of the situation.  Having expectations based on reality helps guide what else I need to do.  She has a disability, and will probably suffer from it to our dying day.  I accept that and want to do my part to strengthen our marriage.  I can only take responsibility for myself and my own efforts.

Second, it has helped to realize that I don't need to accept responsibility for her fabricated accusations.  I can acknowledge that she feels or believes something, but I have a right to my own feelings and my own experiences.  There is no need to argue.  No need to present facts.  I simply recognize what she feels or what she perceives, then express my own feelings and perception.  When her (altered) perception disagrees with mine, I say that it is OK to have different views.  I am not invalidating her perception, but only taking responsibility for my own.

Third, when she's completely dysregulated, I may not respond to her at all.  She often has a difficult time maintaining her verbal attacks if I don't respond.  If she becomes too aggressive with her attacks, I tell her that I love her but that it is necessary to excuse myself.  I tell her that I'm going for a drive and will return later.  This is a way or setting a boundary on how she treats me.

Fourth, I look for things to compliment.  I try to reinforce good behavior.  I tell her of those things I value and appreciate about her.


Since I stopped trying to argue about facts or behaving defensively, and stopped taking responsibility for her (skewed) feelings or perceptions, her attacks have notably decreased in frequency and severity.  Combined with reinforcing positive behavior and reassuring her of my love and devotion, our relationship and the dynamic in our home is the best it's been since our honeymoon.

I hope that you will be able to find the approach that works best for you and you relationship.

[Tlw300300]

Wow I could have written this. Everything matches but the physical but, I believe in time that would come also.