Disappeared again after apologizing for disappearing that day. How to handle?

[heartandmind]

Hi all!

My ex wBPD recently went on a pretty extensive disappearance of approximately one year after we broke up for the moment (we knew we'd get back together at some point). During this time, we spoke about four times. I know that she didn't date anyone seriously in the interim.

About a week and a half ago, she showed up at my apartment and had a breakdown, apologizing for everything and saying that she felt so stupid for the way that she treated me, but the truth was that she had never loved anyone so much in her life and - quite frankly - I think that I terrify her (or rather, our intense feelings for each other do). This was a twenty minute blubbery emotional explanation, full out. After that, we had sex, which was very sudden (especially for pwBPD) and I'm not sure it should have happened, but it did. She was leaving for business two days later for about ten days but left her jacket, shirts, and various items at my apartment upon leaving, so I know she had every intention on returning, as she said she would. As she was leaving, she told me that she loved me and to call her later.

The trouble is, I did place a call to her later that day and I haven't heard from her since. I know that she returned back to our city yesterday and still no word.

I know for a fact that everything she said was genuine and I know that she hadn't dated anyone in the year that we broke up (she was going through a very hard time herself), so I'm not questioning the validity of what she said, I just cannot understand how you show up at my apartment after a year, apologize for everything saying you feel like such a fool, then do the same thing all over again. That very same day.

In the past, I would have contacted her three times by now and have realized since after extensive research that this is not helpful in dealing with pwBPD. So I am trying to deal with this the best I can and give her space (I haven't contacted her since), but any further advice or explanation would be well appreciated. Thank you!

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[stayingsteady]

Hi heartandmind,

That's tough.  I'm dealing with a similar(ish) situation.  I would organize these situations like this:

An item is asked to be performed by an individual with BPD.  The item is performed by their significant other. Once the significant other performs the requested action, the individual with BPD does not reciprocate.

I've been trying to understand why myself.  I believe (at least in my situation), the individual with BPD is accomplishing two things.

First, I believe these behaviors can be used to place a relationship at a safe distance, not to close, not to far. 

Second, I believe these behaviors increase the significant others desire to pester the individual with BPD.  This could subsequently increase control on the significant other since they are in an increased emotional state.

I also believe the individual with BPD acts unconsciously while doing this.

I also feel these actions could increase a feeling within the individual with BPD that they are not controlled by their significant other.

I've been trying to just not pester.  I provide information stating I have completed what I had agreed to do, remind her (or inform her) of what needs to be done on her side, and that's it.  I don't bring it back up.  At some point, I have needed to use boundaries when the behavior becomes excessive.

Just some thoughts,

-Staying Steady