Did your ex's therapist enable him/her?

[WishIKnew82]

I felt my ex's therapist really did. Not because she didn't care or was a bad person but because she was scared to get on his bad side. She always talked to him in a way to not piss him off. If she said something he disagreed with, he would text her, email her, call her and she would just have to explain herself until he felt at ease again. The same way he treated me and everyone around him. But isn't her job to NOT do that? Is it not her responsibility to confront him? Or at least stop treating him if she can't deal with it.

It is very unfair I feel to the family and loved ones. She enabled him and he felt backed because of it. He felt like he was right on his treatment of me because she validated his opinion. She even texted me and told me to be more kind to him.

Sometimes I still feel like I want to send her a email and confront her. She was part of the reason why my life was a living hell for a long time.

Besides that. He will never make progress with her. He has been with her for over a decade and nothing has changed. It has only gotten worse. Because she does not try to get through to him. She has not told him that they should look into other diagnosis besides depression and anxiety. It is insane. Because I know, she knows. That is exactly the reason she acts the way she does.

[joeramabeme]

There is a word that describes the situation you posted here; powerless.  Powerless to change him or the therapist.  And it seems even more frustrating because your observations are likely accurate and yet nothing changes. 

My ex has been with her T for over 20 years and still gets validated for staying the same.  I am not condoning it.  But there is little nothing we can do to change others.  Which means, we can only change ourselves, which is even harder to listen to when we feel justified and yet it is the only truth that we have any power over.

Do you have a plan to deal with the hurt from all of this?  Have you thought about talking with another T about what has happened with this T?

[bus boy]

You can not fix a lie. That's what they do is lie. Xw and I went to a child therapist everything xw said was a lie or a manuplated twisted version with some truth mixed in. She went to a T for 6 sessions, her T wrote her a glowing letter for family court. I know she came from a sexually abusive family, you don't fix that in 6 sessions. You can't fix a lie, they go to a T, lie and nothing ever changes bc they have the T fooled.

[Me-Time]

This is a major problem for me right now. My uBPDxw and I are divorcing and still living together. She's going to a therapist who my ex has completely snowed. I made the mistake of telling my ex I think she has BPD (actually, I know she has BPD) and she brought it to her therapist. Not only has the therapist told her she is most definitely not BPD, but she has told her that she is a victim of choosing poor partners (me), that I am emotionally abusive and invalidating, and I am to blame for fueling her chronic anxiety. My ex swears she is being "completely open and honest about both sides of our stories". But she's actually told me what she tells the therapist and it amazes me how clueless my ex is. She presents it to me as - see how honest I am with her? But from what she tells me she tells her, it's no wonder the woman thinks I'm invalidating. I've come to the conclusion that my ex will only ever be able to present her skewed, illogical perception of what's going on - making her look like the perpetual victim of a horrible partner. Our relationship has gotten worse since she's started seeing the therapist, to the point where we can't even be in the same room anymore. (We aren't even supposed to be living together but that's a whole other story involving leases and her repeatedly leaving and returning to claim her right to be in the house). Anyway, I'm upset with this therapist for being incompetent and continually reinforcing my ex and making this situation worse. It's a real disservice to my ex too, because she doesn't stand a chance at getting healthier this way.

[Soulcrushed4]

My ex seemed to use going to therapy or attending recovery meetings as a way to either have an audience or forum to try on alternate masks and seek validation for what appeared to be minimal effort.

His acting out would often become worse the more these therapists or groups unknowingly or unwittingly enabled and validated him.

It's easy to chronically binge when a groups tagline is "relapse is a part of recovery". He admitted to using so as not to lose the support of the recovery community.

It almost seemed like a game with therapists to see what lies he could convince them of... .anything from that he was gang raped to that I was abusive for getting angry when continually lied and cheated.

Sadly I feel almost responsible for leading him to his latest group of enablers and him being able to add all the catch phrases from the recovery/addictions or mental health community into his bag of tricks of manipulating new supply sources that he has changed.

The therapists he tended to stick with were ones that seemed to exacerbate his self pity and ever the victim mindset. As I wasn't at his individual sessions but we would talk about them after I realized he often heard what he wanted to hear and ignored what he didn't like. Often times he would claim the therapist said certain things that upon further discussion were not at all what was actually said but his own spin on it - just like with everything.

[Tobiasfunke]

After my final devaluation and her discarding me there was an attempt at recycle.  At the time my head was spinning. She had no official Diagnosis. I agreed to see a counselor/ therapist with her. She had gone 2 or so days prior. When I walked in the guy was very nice. It's hard to describe but it felt like  he was   Trying to make comfortable like I was sick or injured. At the time I felt like maybe he didn't want us together or work it out. As I said we had never gone and would only go a total of 2 times. In retrospect I feel he knew exactly what was going on. He knew it was an abusive r/s and it would only get worse and would recycle forever or until something tragic happened and he knew this would be a way to get me off the rollercoaster. At the time I remember not liking the things he was saying but he was trying to help me. He knew that there was not going to be a happy ending and ripping the band aid off was the most humane thing.

Busboy, do you go to that therapist together now? I know your ex has put you through a lot since you have been posting. How could they still write such a positive letter?

Guys I feel if we can see the red flags now. And when I hear other people talk about their r/s I cringe. I never butt in or give my 2 cents but you can tell because you have been in those situations. So if we see it the pros sure should be able to. I know they manipulate and if someone has a 20 year r/s with their therapist that can cloud things too.

[bus boy]

My first T ( retired ) told me I would be making a huge mistake going to marriage councelling with Xw, he said it sounds like she has a personality disorder. I never heard of any such thing. We went to a child psychologist, that was a monumental waste of time and money, again lies and manuplation. We had a parental impact assessment done, again she lied to the forensic psychologist. The psychologist stated in her report, through the tests we did, hundreds of questions, that Xw shows the traits of a personality disorder, very high possabality she has a disorder and will carry this through out her life in to future r/s's. Xw's affidavits for family court were fabrications of the truth, on the stand with written evidence placed before her that she was lying she still lied about a lie. They are cunning, baffling and powerful people.

[bus boy]

Hi Tobiasfunk, no we don't go to councelling together. She totally discarded me year 1/2 ago and she is vicious and mean when I come in contact with her. Xw was always emotionally abusive in a sinister way but now she looks at me like I'm a nothing piece of dirt and she addresses me as such.

Xw went to see a T on her own filled him up with lies that I'm an alcoholic, I'm taking her to family court Bc I'm trying to get back at her bc she has a BF. Very skillfully placed words with maximum impact that her T swallowed hook line and sinker.

[Teereese]

My ex seemed to use going to therapy or attending recovery meetings as a way to either have an audience or forum to try on alternate masks and seek validation for what appeared to be minimal effort.

His acting out would often become worse the more these therapists or groups unknowingly or unwittingly enabled and validated him.

It's easy to chronically binge when a groups tagline is "relapse is a part of recovery". He admitted to using so as not to lose the support of the recovery community.

It almost seemed like a game with therapists to see what lies he could convince them of... .anything from that he was gang raped to that I was abusive for getting angry when continually lied and cheated.

Sadly I feel almost responsible for leading him to his latest group of enablers and him being able to add all the catch phrases from the recovery/addictions or mental health community into his bag of tricks of manipulating new supply sources that he has changed.

The therapists he tended to stick with were ones that seemed to exacerbate his self pity and ever the victim mindset. As I wasn't at his individual sessions but we would talk about them after I realized he often heard what he wanted to hear and ignored what he didn't like. Often times he would claim the therapist said certain things that upon further discussion were not at all what was actually said but his own spin on it - just like with everything.

Literally my xBPDh

Any audience will do and he had the ability to make new audiences feel so important ... .until he found another new audience with different thoughts/beliefs/values. Devalue NA at the bar, devalue the bar in therapy, devalue therapy at work, devalue work at the bar. Devalue his family and marriage everywhere. NA was his all around go to because he felt superior there - they were hard core addicts in his view. Round and round he went.

It is much better off the ride. 

[Shedd]

My ex always listened to her therapist.  Went by her every word because she would do anything to get better.   I always thought that her therapist told her it would be healthier if she broke up with me.  It just seems like she told her if she wanted to get better she couldn't be in a relationship until she was.   Since then she has yet to be in a relationship as far as I am aware.  Otherwise, I know I would have been replaced already.

[FSTL]

My ex always listened to her therapist.  Went by her every word because she would do anything to get better.   I always thought that her therapist told her it would be healthier if she broke up with me.  It just seems like she told her if she wanted to get better she couldn't be in a relationship until she was.   Since then she has yet to be in a relationship as far as I am aware.  Otherwise, I know I would have been replaced already.

I got my BPDx into therapy and, being the caretaker that I am, I paid for it (and still do... .) as she claims she couldn't afford it without me.

I also got the impression her T was counselling her to split with me. I also got the impression that the T barely scratched the surface with her and, like another poster, is only doing band aid work on her anxiety and depression. It's difficult for the T, though, as telling them they ought to get tested for BPD would be shattering for someone who already hates themselves and freaks out or gets depressed very easily.

What that means is that all the other issues (lack of sense of self, lying, projection, etc) never get dealt with (or not for a long time) meaning a lot of issues that ruin relationships are left open ... .meaning the BPD can still blame their SO for all that is wrong in their life, hence the feeling that they are being enabled.

What did annoy me was that my BPDx said (in a nice sort of way) that I "enabled" her. I think she meant it in a nice way (as in I support her), but I suspect that she got that phrase from a therapist. It's annoying, because even if it were true, the way to fix that is to talk about it (as I did with her issues), not discard me.

[roberto516]

It's tough to say. In the beginning I tried to talk to her about my concerns and she shut me down. She then told me her therapist said "You can't shut him down when he's trying to talk to you." Which made me think she was a good one. But the one enduring feature of a borderline is that they need control.

She gave up on couples therapy because I think he was pushing her on some difficult questions and ideas. She told me "it's too much work." So I have a feeling this therapist is telling her "Oh poor you that he's being so mean and angry with you and you have to take care of yourself."

So she probably feels in control with her therapist. My therapist is a little more direct and honestly doesn't care if I like him or not. I can't imagine that she's been going to her for 10 years, and the therapist doesn't have her questioning whether she left me because she feared I'd leave her or because she felt like she was losing control in the relationship.

I think she has her therapist completely focused on her as a codependent, and that spending time doing what she wants is gonna help. The reality is she always did what she wanted with my encouraging, and now she's leaving because it's time to do some relationship work, and it's safer to abandon lest ye be abandoned. That's how I see it. Maybe I'm wrong. Any thoughts?