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[Depression = 72% of members]

This is the first time that I've ever done anything like this online but I figured it was time to reach out to others who may understand. So here goes... .

I'm an adult child of a mother with what I believe is BPD and a step-father with NPD traits and OCD. For many years I thought it was my step-dad who I had the most stressful relationship with because of his criticism and constant invalidation. However, that changed when I attempted to reconnect with my bio father and my mother turned on me,saying that I was "betraying" her. She threatened to not let me see my little brother at t time because of her anger towards me.

To complicate matters, I'm a therapist myself. I realize now that I was groomed perfectly for this field. I feel like I anytime I try to set reasonable boundaries with my mom -not at all in counselor mode-she accuses me of trying to be her counselor. I don't want that job! Essentially, if I disagree with her at all, she rages at me and threatens me,now that my brother is older, with  not being allowed to see my little sister.
It's ridiculous!

I recently went back to my own therapy because I'm in a new relationship and realize i go numb and can't be myself around him even though I want to be. Has anybody else experienced this fear of vulnerability And shut down even though you know you  actually with someone you can trust? How did you tell your S.O. About your parent with BPD?

Thanks for reading!

[Treasures82]

This is the first time that I've ever done anything like this online but I figured it was time to reach out to others who may understand. So here goes... .

I'm an adult child of a mother with what I believe is BPD and a step-father with NPD traits and OCD. For many years I thought it was my step-dad who I had the most stressful relationship with because of his criticism and constant invalidation. However, that changed when I attempted to reconnect with my bio father and my mother turned on me,saying that I was "betraying" her. She threatened to not let me see my little brother at t time because of her anger towards me.

To complicate matters, I'm a therapist myself. I realize now that I was groomed perfectly for this field. I feel like I anytime I try to set reasonable boundaries with my mom -not at all in counselor mode-she accuses me of trying to be her counselor. I don't want that job! Essentially, if I disagree with her at all, she rages at me and threatens me,now that my brother is older, with  not being allowed to see my little sister.
It's ridiculous!

I recently went back to my own therapy because I'm in a new relationship and realize i go numb and can't be myself around him even though I want to be. Has anybody else experienced this fear of vulnerability And shut down even though you know you  actually with someone you can trust? How did you tell your S.O. About your parent with BPD?

Thanks for reading!

[Pale Shelter]

Hi Treasures,

Welcome fellow newbie! I have gone on other sites before, but this one looks more comprehensive, so I just joined today!

I relate to your post. I didn't realize my mother had BPD until events that occurred once I was an adult and had a child of my own finally reached the point where I went searching for an explanation to help me cope. I have recently remarried and sometimes wonder if I chose a partner who is NPD or perhaps just good old-fashioned self-absorbed because I don't really want to connect. I actually have had times in my life where I have felt numb and unable to connect to those around me who I should love. I have fortunately moved beyond that, but do think that in my romantic relationship I want a lot of space because I don't want light shed on this area of my life. To those unfamiliar with BPD, my explanations sound crazy so I've given up. With my husband, I just explained that my mother suffers from mental illness and that I do my best to keep it from affecting my son and that I manage my emotional turmoil through reading and online support and occasionally therapy.  I warned him of some typical patterns of her behavior that might affect special occasions such as engagement, weddings, vacations, etc. and said that it was just a part of my life. He accepted this explanation and didn't ask for more and whenever she acts out, he doesn't get mad or make a big deal out of it. Just says it's too bad and hopefully, she'll get over it quickly and he does always make whatever adjustments necessary to our plans without complaint. In a way, I like how it minimizes the event. To me, theses events always seem catastrophic, but his casual way of handling them may actually be really healthy for the stability of mine and my child's life. I have worked really hard to break the habits that one develops when their primary parent suffers from BPD, but getting stuck in my head is a tricky one!

Idk if the numbness ever fully goes away. It may depend on how vicious of a cycle you remain in with your mother. It's hard to open up if you are tensed for the next blow and it sounds like, now that you realize your mother's issues, you are also aware that there will be more to come.

Best of luck to you and your relationship!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Treasures8:  
I'm sorry about your mom.  It sounds very frustrating for you. I find that it is a lot easier to give advice than it is to sometime follow your own advice

However, that changed when I attempted to reconnect with my bio father and my mother turned on me, saying that I was "betraying" her. She threatened to not let me see my little brother at the time because of her anger towards me.  

Were you able to connect with your bio dad?

  I feel like I anytime I try to set reasonable boundaries with my mom -not at all in counselor mode-she accuses me of trying to be her counselor. I don't want that job!  

I can understand how you don't want the job. What are some of the boundaries you have tried?

  if I disagree with her at all, she rages at me and threatens me,now that my brother is older, with not being allowed to see my little sister. It's ridiculous!

That sounds unpleasant. Have you tries to avoid circular arguments by
DON'T JADE ( Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain)

How did you tell your S.O. About your parent with BPD?

I'm thinking at some point it might just seem like a natural conversation to have. Perhaps you have the conversation before bringing your SO to meet your parent. It might be wise to coach your SO on some communication strategies to use with your parents to prevent arguments.

[peacebthejourney]

Welcome, treasures82!

I'm glad you've joined us. I am finding it very therapeutic to write posts at this time of my life when my stress is elevated. I hope that you find the same is true for you.

It takes courage to go through the therapy process and deal head on with things that feel very difficult. Bravo, treasures!

There is a lot of educational material and many posts to read to understand more about borderline and about how being raised by a borderline parent can effect us. 

Yes, I have struggled at times to be vulnerable. Well, in my case, I'd take the vulnerability risk and then feel lots of internal backlash of self-criticalness and fearfilled messages. It has gotten better as I've worked through my past.

As far as explaining to a spouse or significant other about living with mentally unstable people, it's not easy. I've explained to my husband but it has taken years for him to begin to grasp what I am talking about. I have noticed that was I've become more and more transparent and less in a defensive state, he has understood better. I also found that writing some of memories down and asking if he would be willing to read them, helped bridge the gap.  It can all take time and small steps forward in sharing difficult things. As I've reduced my false shame load it has gone more smoothly. It has also helped to realize that my husband may never fully understand, he's never experienced what I've lived. I remind myself that I can't know exactly what his childhood was like either, it was so much calmer than anything I knew. But we can share with one another using feeling words and try to understand.

Best wishes on this leg of your recovery journey.

[Treasures82]

Thank you all for responding and for the support. I feel more "normal" just hearing about your experiences. I, too am finding it therapeutic to write posts!

The guy I'm dating is so calm and normal and sometimes I think maybe he's boring. But honestly, I think I'm struggling because I'm so used to be in codependent relationships with men  because of the relationship with my mom.

I'm definitely going to be looking into that resources on here!

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Treasures82:   

The guy I'm dating is so calm and normal and sometimes I think maybe he's boring. But honestly, I think I'm struggling because I'm so used to be in codependent relationships with men  because of the relationship with my mom. 

I tend to think that it is a lot easier to spice up boring than it is to tame raging and out of control. I'm thinking there can be comfort in anticipating calm and not wondering if a mental explosion is around the corner.

After you have time to check out some of the lessons, feel free to ask questions and/or let us know how it's going for you.

Best wishes,