In need of help.

[Gemaaa]

Hi. This is my first time reaching out, in hopes that someone else has had the same experience.

My fiancé has BPD. His happiness and wholeness is a major priority in my life, but I've realized how emotionally draining it can be to love someone with BPD, and I think it's time that I go and talk to someone who specializes in BPD so that I can better understand how to help him and myself.

Here is where I need help. How do I tell him that I want to speak to someone about how to better understand his disorder without it triggering his disorder? I haven't been able to come up with anything on my own, and I'm desparately crying for help.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hello, and welcome.

That's a very reasonable concern. I've been avoiding seeking therapy for myself in order not to worry her more. As in "I'm so bad, even you need to go to therapy".

If you go to the right of this website, you'll find basic tools and Lessons that are really valuable, and useful. It's a great place to start knowing what else to do.

Has he been oficially diagnosed? Is he getting help, therapy? Does he accept the diagnosis?

Only you can choose the moment, but I would ask him. "I'm concerned about doing you wrong, about making things worse for us, would you like if I go seek help to learn about this?" I haven't found my moment, so I understand your concern. But she knows I participate in forums, and I come up with terms an theories that she knows I took from research. But she's ok with that.

Good luck

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Welcome to the board,

Many members on this board have had difficulties in talking with their pwBPD about having BPD. When they hear a diagnosis it can cause them to dysregulate because they think we see them as weak, or deficient, or crazy. Many others have found that telling them about BPD is not always the best approach.

When I began therapy, I was tempted to tell my H that I need therapy because of his behavior, but I knew he would never be ok with me going to therapy if it was about him. So, I made it about me--after all, it really was about me. I shared with my husband that I was depressed, sad all the time, and having a hard time dealing with everyday stress. I told him that I was at a point where I really felt like I need to talk to a professional about it because it's affecting my daily life. He was perfectly ok with me going to therapy when it had nothing to do with him.

After my first couple sessions, he asked me what I said about him. I told him that we talked about how I cry all the time, how it's hard for me to get out of bed sometimes, and how I get stressed out easily.  Again, I did not mention or even act like anything about him was said. I made the focus on ME. He stopped asking about my appointments. I think he even forgot that I was in therapy since I would go to my appointments during my workday. I learned the communication skills that my T taught me and began to use them with my H and things really began to get better. He never knew the difference. He didn't even notice the way my language with him changed.

[Gemaaa]

Thank you so much for the great advice. To answer a few questions, he has been officially  diagnosed with BPD but he isn't getting help for it because he can "do it himself." He accepts the diagnosis for what it is, but doesn't like speaking about it at all. Bringing his BPD up is definitely a trigger.

I think I learn a new trigger every day.