Hello and background with my BPD husband

[tonepoems]

Hello everyone,

I'm very grateful to have found this group. My husband has been recently "unofficially" diagnosed as having BPD by his therapist and will be undergoing an extensive psych evaluation next month. However in reading everything, my husband exhibits so many of the symptoms, we feel it's a technicality at this point.

My biggest struggle is realizing how much I've unknowingly enabled his insecurities by constantly trying to make him feel better. His self-loathing episodes get so bad that he has suicidal thoughts. It's those instances where I really feel helpless.

Now I've learned that compliments don't work at all, and any attempts to help him find something good about himself don't work, so it becomes a pretty exhaustive cycle.

How have some of you dealt with your spouse being really negative about themselves?

We've just started meditating in the morning, but I would appreciate any other suggestions.

This diagnosis is new for us, but thankfully my husband is self aware and willing to work. He's been reading on his own and has purchased a few workbooks until we can get an official treatment plan.

Thank you!

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[ArleighBurke]

Validation. Read about it on the link to the right ->

Validation is a conversation technique where you get to discuss how he feels. His feelings are not right or wrong - they just are. So as you said, trying to make him feel better doesn't work - because you are trying to get him to ignore or change his emotions. For a BPD, his emotions are "the truth". So just talk about them. (kind of like a person with a fear of spiders. They can KNOW it's an irrational fear, but they still feel afraid. You can't talk them out of it).

After you learn validation, learn SET (sympathy empathy truth). In conversations, once you validate their feelings, they are then ready to hear your "truth" - and perhaps then he can start to feel better.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the board . Lots of info and support here that can help improve your relationship. Check out the lessons on the right side of the page. Looking forward to getting to know you and learn more about your situation.

[bananas2]

Welcome   & glad you found us!
Like others are saying, make sure to check out the info to the right of this page. Incredibly helpful.

Just a note Re: the "extensive psych eval" next month. Don't be surprised if it ends up that BPD is not the formal dx. It took many years & several evals to determine my BPD hub's diagnosis. Ultimately he got his dx from therapists doing a DSM criteria checklist for BPD. If there is formalized testing involved, it may not indicate BPD due to the fact that many pwBPD do not have enough insight to answer the questions authentically.

Having said that, it is great that your hub is self-aware & willing to work! That is a HUGE positive!

How have some of you dealt with your spouse being really negative about themselves?

When my BPDh is negative about himself, it almost always manifests in him making comments about being a "bad person." It doesn't even always relate to himself directly; pwBPD tend to think in black & white (very much like a child), so I often notice when he is feeling negative about himself he will start categorizing ppl into "bad guy" & "good guy." Even while watching a movie or show, he will say, "That's the good guy," or "He's a bad guy." In these moments, I try to remind him that ppl generally aren't "all good" or "all bad," but that there are gray areas - ppl can be good but do bad things. It doesn't make them an inherently "bad" person.

[tonepoems]

Thank you everyone for the welcome! I'm definitely checking out that sidebar and educating myself as much as possible!